Reflecting into the past

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 22!!

Ok so this is the longest I've gone in 11 years...... 22 days..... I'm looking forward to going to an NA meeting and getting that 30 day keytag...... when i feel like giving up on recovery, which I do sometimes, I have to remember why I've held on for so long...... Why have I held on for so long? Because I WANT freedom..... screw addiction..... I no longer allow it to control my life.... do I need a kick in the @sss sometiems when I want to give in,... um, yep but sometimes that's what it takes..... but mostly, I've done this on my own with my faith in God... w/o His strength, I wouldn't be who I am, let alone drug free for 22 days......... it doesn't sound like much, but after 11 years, it's a long time for me and I even just spent 18 hours in the ER with a friend needing help..... was that hard as hell for me? YES!!! Because I knew dilaudid was everywhere and I could have done something to seek it out, but my focus was on helping a friend and that's where it needed to be. I made it though!!! I'm so proud of myself and that's hard for me to say........ I have a lot more to say (imagine that) but I realy gotta try to sleep..... because unfortunately, after 18 hours in the ER they could not help her and that pisses me off to know end.... just b/c she doesn't have health insurance.....and they couldn't tell us that in the first hour or two??????? Seriously? I was beyond livid at some points but then I changed my attitude after a good friend "got into my head" and suggested I kill 'em with kindness..... hey it worked!!! All of a sudden I had a very nice nurse saying "bless your heart" to me every 10 minutes. it was kinda funny but it felt good to be acknowledged for what I was doing even though that wasn't my REASON for doing it.....I'm just a good friend, what can I say...haha.... I've learned a lot from other friends though on how to be the right kind of friend with balance and that's what I'm working towards and apparently I'm "getting it" according to the girls in the house.... it's all a learning processs....... much easier to do drud free though!! I actually hve a clear head now minus the lack of sleep..... anyway we have to repeart the process at the Medical College of Virignia in Rchmond tomorrow. .. if that's how it hs to be then so be it......... ok my eyes are closing and I can't even see what Im typing...... one of my biggest pet peeves, mis-spelling and all that english stuff.... but im surei' messed up a lot.......

ok i seriously this ambien is messing wiht me.... i think it's time to go to sleep now!