Reflecting into the past

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Struggling to fight.....

So today it's been one week since I had any pills. I can't believe I have gone that long. AND..... whereas in the past, I probably would have stayed in bed and hid from the world for a good bit of that time, I only did that one day this week. I actually got up and did productive things and yea, I actually functioned without any pills. It has taken everything in me not to go doctor shopping until I can get some more pills on Tuesday. I saw my doctor the other day and I said to him..... "I DO want to be free of narcotics, but when I get to that point where it's just too much to handle, and the pain is just beyond what I can bear, as it occasionally does get that way, what am I SUPPOSED to do???" And he agreed with me. Luckily the pain has only gotten that way once this week, and that was the day I knocked myself out all day. So am I strong enough to say even though I CAN get more pills on Tuesday, I'm just not even going to get them, as in refuse to get pills when I am ABLE to?  Haha funny.... yea, no I'm not even close to being that strong. I do occasionally need them for real.... but the biggest test comes when I get them and I have a full prescription amount of them. When I started this fight, I only had a limited amount left so for some reason it was easier I think than it will be to have a full bottle of them and still control myself like I have been. I believe I can do this though! I just know I can.... whether I have 12 or 60, I should still be able to have the same fight I have had all this week..... right? Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that anyway.

So anyway, I woke up today (I slept REALLY late.... I have been pretty worn out..... it takes a lot out of you to fight like this!! ) and the first thought on my mind was pills. My pain level? Today about a 7. Not great but not unbearable either. So I guess it was the addiction calling my name. I HATE addiction..... God I hate addiction!!! I'm sick of it ..... it doesn't have the right to control how I feel and think and consume me like this....All I want today is just a few pills.... it's ALL I want right now...... But I've made it to day 7 and haven't lost the fight yet..... so it would be dumb of me to give in NOW!! I have NEVER gone this long..... Sure, I was at Mercy for about a year and I wasn't using then..... but I didn't have a choice then....AND, I didn't have to deal with nearly the pain levels that I deal with now either..... THIS time, it's all MY choice.... this is MY fight..... I have chosen this...... no one has forced this one me!! That's what feels so good about it! I am the one who has chosen to allow God to team up with me and fight this addiction head on..... Ugh but my strength seems so low today...... I seem to be swinging back and forth between the thought "I am so proud of myself for doing this...." and then "I am just ready to give it up..... I will never win ..... addiction is way stronger than me.... I don't have a chance...."  So to control my thinking instead of addiction controlling the way I think is definitely a challenge and it's wearing me out!! Completely wearing me out. I slept til almost 2 today!!  I do feel rested, but I feel a migraine coming on..... grrr I can't win sometimes...... So anyway, that's my struggle for today..... please keep supporting me..... I really really need it right now.....

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Breaking down walls, getting real with myself and others....

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a few days..... Let me backtrack..... Easter weekend was beyond amazing. We found some really cool spots in the mountains and climbed rocks and hiked a bit.... And, I did the whole weekend without any pain pills!

Now about yesterday..... it was a VERY rough day to say the least. I'm almost a week into the fight with narcotics..... I don't have anymore pills right now for a few days..... BUT the fight not to doctor shop was beyond difficult. Yesterday, I was mad as hell at my addiction.... it doesn't have the right to put me through this!! My body is having a hard time not having any narcotics in it. A couple days ago I just knocked myself out all day... then the next day, I decided not to because that was my old way of dealing with not having any pills. I got up and spent a lot of time with Gracie and that helped some. But yesterday, nothing seemed to help. I was a very aggressive driver yesterday (that is NOT me at all) and I just drove like I was mad at the world. We went down to the beach last night and I thought that would help, but no not really. All I could really do was go to sleep for the night and pray for a better day today. The amazing thing, though, is that I did not doctor shop yesterday. I was too mad at my addiction to even give in for one day. I won't allow it to have anymore control over me...... no more.

What I have to be very careful of is that I don't replace this addiction with another, while only fooling myself. I am struggling very much so with my Eating Disorder. I am mad about that too. I completely recovered from my ED, so it doesn't have the right to come back into my life like this. I'm not sure what brought it on but I went two days without eating anything or drinking anything. The following day, I really felt it in my body and it didn't feel good at all. I knew my blood pressure was very low based on how I felt.... I took it today and it was 80/53. My heart rate is flipping out too. Part of this is because of the fact that I'm detoxing from narcotics. But part of it is because I'm very weak from not eating. So yesterday I was determined not to let ED back into my life. Well, he already came in but I'm kicking him out again. I did eat yesterday and I will make sure to do so again today. Besides, Gracie is fighting an Eating Disorder and I must practice what I preach and be an example to her. I totally lost sight of that for a couple of days. But I'm back on track with that.....

So all in all, I'm not doing too bad. I'm struggling for sure, but I knew this wasn't going to be easy by any means.... that's why it's a fight..... but like I said at the very beginning of my blog.... Every morning I ask myself "Is today the day that I will give up?" And the answer is always the same. "Not today."

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Easter

Well, Happy Easter, everyone! Today is day three of my official journey of "pill rehab". I only got a couple hours of sleep. Gracie had a pretty rough night and I held her for most of it and tried to help get her through it. I just hope I made an impact and actually helped her to feel just a little bit safer through it. I was there for her, though, and was more than happy to do so, as I always will be.

I woke up and barely could move though as my lower back as well as my neck were a level 8/9 on my pain chart. I was pretty much in tears. So I took a couple of my pills. That's it for today. I won't take any more. We are going to get going pretty soon and go on a little trip. To celebrate Easter today, I wanted to go to a place where I love having some time with God. We are going to the mountains. I thought it would empower me a little bit more to go to a place where I have always seemed to find extra strength. There is something about being in the mountains and standing in awe of God's creation that empowers me. I am reminded of the incredible power of God when I am there. I live at the ocean so I occasionally use that too. I see the vastness of the water, the endless waves of beauty and awesomeness. And then I feel just a little bit closer to God. Well that's what being in the mountains does for me but on a whole other level. It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside so it's going to be a GREAT day for a drive. Going on a drive is another way that I grow closer to God. I use it as a way of spending time with Him and listening to my music which helps me too. So yea, this is going to be a great day and I am so thankful that Christ arose from the dead to give ME new life! It's only because of HIM that I can even think about beating this addiction and finding freedom.

Last night I really had some anxiety because even though I wasn't in huge amounts of pain (I was between a 4 and a 6 most of the day yesterday), I just had this uncontrollable urge to take pills. I'm not just addicted to narcotics; I am addicted to taking pills, period. So even though I was determined not to take any of my narcotic pain pills, it was definitely a struggle not to find pills around the house and just start taking them. Tylenol, motrin, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anything. I just wanted to start taking pills! I did take one motrin 800 to calm the pain a little bit and that was all I took! When my anxiety started getting really bad, that is when I wrote the letter to my addiction. I was NOT going to let my addiction win last night. And I actually got through the night w/o taking any of my narc pain pills and I didn't over-do it on anything else, either. I didn't take the motrin 800 b/c of the addiction. That was ONLY to calm the pain, because if it were the addiction, I would have taken several and combined it with other things.  That is the very first time I have EVER had narc pain pills available to me and refused to take them. And on top of that, I didn't try to compensate with taking a bunch of other pills. I can't believe I did this. I just can't believe it. But I really did! I drew upon God's strength and the strength of those around me who are fighting for me and pulling for me. This is a milestone for sure. The first time in 10 years. Wow.

Today, I am definitely reminded of the power of God. He's alive and He lives in me. And the most awesome thing ever is that the very same power that arose Christ from the dead is the very same power that lives inside of ME!!! Hey, if that power can raise someone from the dead, of course it can conquer an addiction to pills!!! Satan is defeated. He wants me to lose this battle. He wants this addiction to completely take control back and take over my whole life again. Well I got news for him..... he done lost this battle. I will conquer and I will be free!!! As my sister says, freedom is worth fighting for. She couldn't be more right.

Well, it's time to get going and get on the road. I can't wait. It's so pretty outside today! It's going to be a great Easter!!!