The Girl in the Mirror

update

2011-12-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

So, it's been quite some time since I posted anything. Just wanna give a summary of where I've been over the past few months. I've had some pretty crazy ups and downs. Things were pretty good for awhile. I was experimenting with herbs and vitamins and a means for pain relief and anxiety relief. I had pretty much 100% success.... but then later on, my addictive side said "this isn't any fun, I want the addictive drugs!" So, I got back on pain killers and benzos. I was taking nearly 100 mg of valium at one time and 40 mg of oxycontin. I was getting Morphine from the streets which is something I've never done before. I felt safe about it because I knew the person, so I justified it in my own mind. Then, about a month and a half ago, I OD'd on Morphine. I nearly shut down my kidneys and was only at about 70% oxygen. I nearly died. It scared the bejeebers out of me. Since then, no more morphine for me. I still occasionally use oxycontin and rarely use valium. I was ready to go to rehab when I got out of the hospital. But my insurance sucks so I had my husband sign up for more insurance through his work so I would have a backup insurance. But I can't use it until January which I plan to use and go to rehab then. The depression I've been in for several months now has been relentless. There's not really much to say about that except that it sucks. It takes a million percent effort to get up and do ANYthing at all. Simple household chores are a big deal for me. Getting out of the house for anything is a big deal for me. I feel like i'm merely existing and that's about it. I'm hoping that rehab will help. I'm looking for a Christian rehab as I need the spiritual side of things too. Please pray I find the right one and that I will learn how to really live and live without substances. Thanks.

Good things are happening!

2011-09-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

I just had to quickly update this blog. Wow, what a summer. But I wanted to let you all know that things are really starting to look up for me. Good things are happening! Later, when I have more time, I will post...... so, tune in!

If only I had the "WHY"

2011-08-17T13:59:00.002-04:00

Ok here comes this long post that has been needing to be posted for too long. I'm just gonna get it out. I can not believe what I have done and not been held accountable for. I cannot believe that I drove like 30 miles totally wasted on ativan and crossing the median and everything. I could have killed someone or killed myself or gotten arrested for a DUI. This is honestly the most scared I have ever been of my addiction. The only difference between me and a lot of ppl in prison is that they got caught and I didn't. I can not believe I am sitting here with a laptop in the comfort of my own bed when I could be sleeping on a hard thing they call a mattress in jail scared to death. This is the first time I have ever been totally stunned by my addiction. I sit and I am alone with my thoughts and they scare me to death at this point. I'm just glad I have control over whether or not this gets stopped instead of someone stopping me with like, jail. Now I often wonder why pills? My dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alcoholic. My other brother loves weed, and I'm all about pills. I'm not even drawn to alcohol except on a rare occasion, but I never take it too far. Yea, I used to party and get drunk and stuff, but that was back then and I was a lot younger, but now it's just not for me, and I'm so glad as easy as it is to get. You know how hard it is to get pain medicine anymore? Unless you're driving to Florida or Georgia to a pill mill, good luck. But back to the "why"? Why pills? What makes me so drawn to a pill? If you hand me a pill and tell me it's addictive, I want every single pill you got and then some. But if you hand me a pill and tell me it will help my heart condition, I'll give it up in a heartbeat. I mean, what's up with that? Tonight, I'm just in a brutally honest mood. No messing around. I just want drugs.... I want it for my physical pain and I want to be numb. I can't handle the past or something, but i don't even think about the past. I can't even get through each day without thinking about wanting a pill. I don't know. I am gonna end this here. I'm very frustrated with myself and who I've become. I've become my dad, only on pills instead of alcohol. That hurts. I want something different. Why can't I reach it? WHY??????

A Letter to God

2011-06-20T16:41:00.000-04:00

So God, it's me again. I know, I messed up. Why is it so easy to turn back to such painful things like my eating disorder, drugs, etc. when You are supposed to be the true Healer? I mean, I believe that You are, but it isn't making sense to me. I turn to You, and I continue to hurt and hurt and hurt and then things come crashing down even harder, and I can only do so much, God. This just hurts too darn much! I just want to scream at You sometimes!!! WHY are you allowing all of this pain in my life? Usually something comes of it and I get it, but this time, this year, it's just too much. I try to give it to You, but it feels like You are not taking it, so I say, screw it and turn back to something that I can hide behind, like an Eating Disorder, or drugs. I'm making this letter to You public so I can be honest about the fact that I've screwed up big time, but I'm so ashamed. That's why it's taken me some time to do this. NOW I've got shame on top of everything else. I got people walking away from me, people preaching at me, people giving me a hard time about the screw ups. Just make it stop!!! All of it!! Do they not know I am harder on myself than they could ever be?? I'm so glad I'm beginning counseling with someone I'll hopefully like better this week. I am praying to You that You will use her to help me through this. Cuz' God, right now, I'd rather just lie down and die. I can only do this for so long. What kind of life is this? I'm in so much physical pain, from head to toe, literally, and I can hardly do anything. I try to travel, but even THAT is beginning to diminish because I can barely stand to do it. Are you really going to take EVERYthing from me? Please stop it!! I need these things. I need to enjoy life, not cry all the time. I need to remember what it's like to just be happy and not hurt so much. I'm dying inside. I am tired of keeping everything inside. Either people will accept me or they won't. But it hurts when they don't! Even though I bring it on myself. I don't deserve anything good anymore. So what is the point? Really, tell me God, cuz I don't know what it is anymore!! I've lost sight of so much in life it's unreal. Please take the people away who are only going to judge me and condemn me, walk away from me, and leave the ones who are going to love me even though they know everything about me. I'm done trusting people. Why did You have to take away something that was helping me so much in life? As soon as I finally trust that it's going to stay, something happens (or *I* happen) and bam, it's gone. Just like that. Gone. I'm tired of wishy washyness..... why do they tell me they'll stay and that I'm worth their time, blah blah blah, if it's just words..... just words, I'm sick of just words, God. I want people in my life who are real. I can only find a couple it seems, but I don't even feel like I deserve them, so part of me wants to wall myself off from them, but part of me wants to cling to it and never let go. The problem is eventually they let go of me. So what's the point anymore? I'm so sorry I screwed up God. I'm so sorry. I know You will forgive me. I only hope they will, and even more so, I hope that I can forgive myself. Maybe then I can begin to heal? Or will healing ever even come? I'm so lost right now, I just need some answers, God..... please.....

Horrible ER experience.... more pain.... will it ever end?

2011-04-12T06:47:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday I ended up in the ER again with unbearable pain in my side..... it was again a kidney stone I was having a hard time passing. It took a total of 7 mg of IV Dilaudid to even touch the pain..... apparently, I have a severe UTI as well that I found out about that same day from a follow up nurse from a previous ER I had been to a couple weeks earlier... I had a Dr. tell me that with the amount of infection in my body (UTI that has obviously been there for quite some time, possibly caused by all the kidney stones I've had lately, the GYN infections I've been fighting to get rid of, and the UTI infection having moved into my kidneys themselves) it's amazing I'm still walking around. And the kidney stones on top of all of this infection has just really made it a fight to get through the day so often lately. I'm slowly but surely fighting off these infections but still having to deal with whatever is wrong with my liver and spleen. I'll find out more about that when I get home from Florida. So that's just an update on things......

I had taken a road trip to see a Spine Specialist that I've been seeing in Florida. It was a hard trip to say the least. We left on Saturday to make it to a Monday appointment. It's a doctor I have found that is not only treating my pain but searching for solutions as well. I can't find such a doctor in Virginia anymore because of my past addiction history. No one will any longer treat my pain in Virginia. So I searched out spine specialists who specialized in pain, SOLUTIONS to the pain, and addiction all in one. Anyway, so I'm back on pain medicine a little more regularly now again. BUT I have absolutely amazed and shocked myself with how well I've done with these pain meds. For instance, I took something when I woke up yesterday, then did probably more than I was physically capable of doing (cleaning a house from top to bottom almost, as a thank you to the friend with whom I'm staying for 2 weeks while I get my health a little more under control in order for me to make the trip back to Virginia, and then I injured myself playing with the dog and his dumb rope). Well, I just tried to bear the pain for awhile, took some motrin and no relief. So I did the whole tiger balm thing and used my new spinal stimulator that I got from the new spine doctor for several hours. All the while, I have pretty effective pain meds (Roxy's) sitting on the counter. Then I finally, after a pretty emotionally stressful night, got to bed around 1 a.m. and actually fell asleep but the pain kept waking me up along with nightmares. One particular recurring nightmare. Not until about 3:30 a.m. did I finally give in and take some pain meds. I have never in my life been able to do that. I am progressing more and more all the time with my addiction and it feels so good.

But what I really sat down to blog about is my ER experience last Thursday. It was probably one of the worst ER visits I have ever had. I can't get over how poorly someone can be treated in a hospital. Aren't these people supposed to be there to help people? Seriously, I have met some of the most unhappy people in the health profession. They HAVE to be unhappy to treat someone the way I was treated that night. That one particular nightmare to which I referred a minute ago was about this ER visit. Well I was incredibly upset from the pain and just all the emotional energy it takes to deal with the insomnia from pain and the pain itself. A lot of you know I have a pretty traumatic past and there are just some things that are hard for me to deal with even present day, such as taking my pants off in a hospital, hearing sirens (I'm much better at dealing with sirens these days), and riding in an ambulance. Well, the CT guy in the ER was ridiculously rude to me when I had a hard time laying still for the test. I wanted to give HIM a flippen kidney stone and tell him to lay still on a table that's hard as a rock. I wanted to punch him in the face is what I really wanted to do. Anyway, I finally got done with the CT and there is just no way to make this long story short. So I'm just going to skip most of it and get right to what has me so upset. For those who don't know, I was shot and gang-raped 13 years ago. I'm not seeking sympathy; just giving a little background. I have dealt with this for the most part. But the part I struggle with so much still is occasionally when I hear sirens and mostly, having to ride in an ambulance. Well, the doctor, after already upsetting me with his horrible bedside manner and his non-gentle way of examining me, etc., he told me that because I was unable to lie still for the CT, they were going to have to admit me. What is so ironic is that I had been trying to get admitted to a hospital in Virginia, or even North Carolina, somewhere near home, so they could figure out what was wrong with me and fix it once and for all; all to no avail. So I get to Florida where, after my doctor appointment, I was only going to be staying with my friend for a couple days, and they want to admit me. I was all for it until the doctor told me I would have to ride in an ambulance to be transferred to another hospital since this was a stand alone ER I was in. I asked if I could be transferred over there by my friend who was there with me. They wouldn't allow it. I was stuck. I didn't even have a CHOICE in the matter about being admitted now, after trying so hard to be admitted to no avail closer to home! When I got upset about having to ride in an ambulance, the doctor said if I didn't calm down with the crying, he would have me involuntarily committed to a PSYCH ward!!!! I was beyond offended and even traumatized by the incident. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until I had the recurring nightmare tonight about the whole experience. I have been beside myself most of the night, not only in physical pain, but also emotional pain from the way I was treated that night. So I finally decided to get up and blog. I'm hoping that I can now let the whole thing go and remember that neither he nor does any other rude health professional have the right to hurt me anymore. I have a choice in the matter. I don't have to let him continue to hurt me anymore.

Pain is getting worse.... now I'm just scared.

2011-02-23T06:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, so last night has been the absolute worst night of pain I have had in a very long time. My pain meds didn't even touch the pain. Lately, it has been causing more pain when I eat. So anyway, I was absolutely starving after my dr's appt yesterday. I decided to try some vegetable soup. I swear that was the worst mistake of my life! I was doubled over in pain for a good 6 hours after I ate. Now I'm scared to death to eat ANYthing at all! NOT what I need. I have lost 6 lbs in one week. That doesn't do much for my eating disorder, either. But I refuse to relapse on that one. I'm scared. I'm actually downright scared now! I had a CT w/ contrast last week to further test the cysts/lesions found on my liver and spleen. When I took the report to my GI doctor today, she explained it to me and I don't think I've ever teared up so fast in my life. She basically said she was concerned about malignancy in either my liver, spleen, or lung (apparently, I have something on my right lung that is concerning to my dr.). She is sending me for an MRI of my abdomen and an MRCP..... whatever that is. All I know is I HURT and I'M SCARED.

Shaken Faith

2011-02-16T18:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I've probably visited 5 doctors since I last posted. Sometimes it seems as if I'm getting answers and sometimes it feels like I'm getting nowhere. So frustrating! Tomorrow I have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. At least I get to be put under for this. Fun fun. I do have to admit that lately, my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I'm wondering where God is in all of this. I finally found an awesome Family Doctor though. She is amazing. She didn't judge me one bit about my history with narcotics. She was very supportive, in fact. I asked her if it's possible that all this pain could be just all in my head. She said it's not that it would be all in my head, but PTSD could exacerbate abdominal pain. She wants me to be seeing a counselor asap. So I'm going to be going back to therapy it looks like, but it definitely can't hurt. I have so many issues to deal with that I just ignored for several years because I was able to hide behind pills. I can't do that anymore. Even though I'm taking the pills again occasionally, I do NOT use them to self-medicate. But my addiction is beginning to scream at me big time. It is yelling at me to go back to it altogether. It's a dangerous war zone inside my head right now. But one thing I know is this; I'm getting ready to hit a downward spiral pretty quick and I'm fighting with everything in me not to.

More Challenges....

2011-02-07T06:55:00.000-05:00

I couldn't sleep so I came downstairs to upload some photos I took today and to blog, but that was 2 hours ago. I got a little sidetracked when I realized someone was trying to scam me, yet again. It's a good thing I have an eye for non-professionalism and incorrect grammar/punctuation. That's how I spot "imitation emails" and separate them from the authentic ones. If I couldn't do that, this eBay business of mine would go downhill pretty fast! It amazes me how so many people are so quick to take advantage of someone w/ no conscience whatsoever.
Anyway, I guess it's time I blog again. It's been a month. There are 2 things in life that I truly despise and they are addiction and pain, both of which I have plenty. Since about a month ago, I started having all this pain in my stomach and both sides, front and back. It started with a kidney stone. They are so painful! Well, I finally passed that stone, and that pain was gone, but I stayed in pain. It was just a different kind of pain and it was in several areas of my torso now. Why do I have to be such a complicated person? I don't try to be, really! But it seems it always takes so long for doctors to figure out what's wrong with me. Well, after 3 ER visits and 3 different specialists, and several tests, they finally discovered I have bilateral ovarian cysts with a bad infection, and liver cysts, and also a lot of scarred tissue from when I had Gall Bladder surgery. That explains the pain being in several different spots in my abdomen and back. So to start off with, I'm on a heavy dose of antibiotics for the infection. Depending on what my pain does after that, surgery may be needed.
So needless to say, I'm on pain medication again, but not full time. I have actually surprised myself and have only taken pain meds when the pain has just gotten to be too much. My doctor knows I'm an addict and has been very supportive. By the way, that has been really hard to find. I am red-flagged in the Virginia Narcotics Monitoring Program (any doctor can look me up real quick and see that I have a history of narcotics abuse) so it makes it hard to get good medical treatment without being blown off. Gracy and my husband both have pretty much had it out with a couple of different doctors because when they saw my prescription history, they immediately judged me and provided very little medical treatment, blowing me off. It wasn't even just that they refused to help my pain; it was the fact that they assumed I was drug seeking and did very little to find the problem. I understand that I have brought some of this on myself, but I don't deserve the treatment that I have received from some doctors, either. The last time I went to the ER, I even said to the doctor up front "If you look me up in the system, you will clearly see that I have a history with narcotics. I have chronic pain and therefore have gotten addicted in the past. I'm not here for pain meds; I'm here for pain RELIEF which means I want you to find the problem so it can be fixed and I'm not left needing and/or wanting pain meds." I was STILL told I was drug seeking!! WHY would I state all of that up front if I were drug seeking? I was about ready to quit altogether after that. I know that ER doctors see a lot of people who are simply drug seeking and nothing else, and I know I have at times been one of those people. It sucks how our past can so easily come to haunt us. It doesn't make recovery any easier; that's for sure. But honestly, if I were a doctor and I really believed someone was drug seeking, instead of judging him/her, I would offer to get him/her help for addiction or something. I don't know, I just know I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone when I don't know his/her situation.
Anyway, it has been a real struggle for me to need pain medication as often as I have in the past month. I haven't abused pills or anything, and I'm not taking them often enough to get addicted again, but yesterday, I struggled pretty hard in being consumed with taking a pill when my pain level was below a 5. On the 1-10 scale, my average daily pain level is usually around a 4 or 5 and I have learned to push through that most of the time w/o anything. It's usually only about two or three times a week that it goes above a 5 and I began taking pain meds again back in October for anything that reached a 6 or higher. I have done really well with that and I'm very proud of that. I never thought I could do it. I struggled with the decision to go back to the pain meds because I feared a relapse. But I also feared being debilitated for a third of each week of the rest of my life. I feared losing a third of my life to pain. Being determined for this not to happen, I decided to try to only take pain meds when absolutely necessary to function. And so far, I have successfully done so. But since I started having all these problems in my abdomen, I am taking them more often that I would like to be, although not everyday as to not become physically dependent on/addicted to them again. So like I said, I really struggled yesterday with being consumed by taking a pill. It was only when I was driving and not occupied with something else. Gracy and I found a really cool park yesterday and spent a lot of time there and I had a great time. I didn't think about taking a pill at all while I was there. But when I was driving (which is when I do most of my "thinking"), it was all I could think about. But my pain level wasn't too bad so I know it was my addiction screaming at me. So I'm back in another battle with my addiction. I want everyone to know, though, that in the end, I didn't end up taking anything. I fought it to the end of the day and yes, I won. But this is just a reminder that I'm not out of the woods with my addiction. It will always be there, but until some miraculous cure is found to all the pain I deal with, pain meds are simply necessary for me occasionally if I want any quality of life. I just have to be on guard at all times. Yesterday, I was on guard and I didn't allow my addiction to win and get the best of me. I refuse to even go down that road again. So starting this week, I'm going to take pain meds a maximum of three or four times a week until my stomach problems are completely figured out and fixed, then back to a max of 2 times a week for my neck/back problems.
I would really like to know why God allows me to have so much physical pain when I'm battling a fierce addiction to pain killers. It's so tiring and frustrating. I have cried more tears in the past month than I have in a really long time. I have learned to push through a lot of pain, but this constant pain with very few breaks..... I struggle to deal with it! It's relentless! The pain tries and tries to wear me down and eventually, it does. And just when I think I want to quit, I find strength out of nowhere to push just a little longer.
That's it for now..... I'm going to work on blogging a little more often, because not only does it help but then maybe I can make my posts a little shorter too!

3rd Night of Insomnia

2010-12-02T02:10:00.000-05:00

Wow 2 months w/o a post! I appreciate all the support I can get and I know I get a lot from my blog b/c there are fellow addicts I may never meet that can so relate to where I am, where I have been, and many who have a lot of hope to offer because you are further down the road of recovery than myself. So here goes.....

It's been a hard few months to say the least. I fell into a pretty deep black hole, dug out of it somehow and landed right back in it again not too soon after. I'm now digging out of it once again. I had somehow managed to make it to about 142 days sober. And let me clarify, when I say sober, I mean w/o ABUSING drugs of any kind. I had actually made it 100 days w/o using a narcotic of any kind at all, but then I did a REALLY stupid thing and went whitewater rafting and have had a new lower back (sciatic nerve) problem in addition to the chronic cervical spine problems I deal with ever since. I tried and GOD KNOWS I tried to make it w/o a pain pill of any sort, but a person can only take so much. So I do *occasionally* get something for the pain, but it is very controlled and the really cool thing was that my tolerance to the pain meds dropped quite a bit more than I had ever expected it would. However, that also led to my downfall.

This is a really hard time of year for me anyway because I'm naturally in more pain during the colder months (physical) but I also deal with more depression and some years are harder than others, but this year has been for some reason tremendously hard for me in missing my dad. He died from alcoholism a few years ago and it seems just like yesterday sometimes. I think this year it might be so much harder because I so BADLY want to talk to my dad about my pain and the addiction combination because he would understand more than anyone I know, as he had his own addiction to pain killers and lived in chronic pain from 2 hip replacements at a very early age. People say you can still talk to him, blah blah blah..... but I sometimes wonder if it's something people say to try and make you feel better. I wonder if he can really hear me. I don't know and I don't pretend to understand that whole side to life and death. I do believe he is with Jesus and I'm happy he isn't suffering anymore but God do I miss him!!!!! It's during this month and next that I watched him live his last 2 months in and out of a hospital w/ very little hope of survival. The thing is, he had quit drinking almost 8 months before he even got so sick enough to be put in the hospital and I thought my dad would be one of those recovering alcoholics that would have so much hope to share w/ other addicts/alcoholics. My heart hurts and aches like no other ache.... there just isn't any other like it! Although, I haven't had to bear losing a child and I can't even imagine what that would be like and I hope to never have to, but losing a parent at only age 24 isn't too easy either. I'm 32 now and I need him now more than ever!

You might say if I'm so "spiritual" why not just talk to God about it and be at peace with it? It's not just that easy, really. Of course, I talk to God about it and I know He hears me of course! But sometimes, it doesn't exactly dull that ache that I'm talking about and I need it to! So that's where I'm at. I went out and sang karaoke the other night. It's one of my favorite stress relievers. I absolutely love to do it and it makes me feel closer to my dad in a way because although I will NEVER be as talented as he was musically, I do have it in me a little bit, especially on instruments, but I sometimes sing for my dad and it brings me comfort. That's just what I needed the other night and it really helped, but I can't afford to do it all the time so I do it when I can.

Onto something else, I am having these constant headaches and I just want to flippen scream sometimes. By the way, I didn't mention that my relapse was very short-lived (about 4 days b/c I got ahold of some narcs w/o giving over the control of them to my husband as I should have) but I wonder if I was set on a relapse somehow. I wonder if I felt like such a failure, even w/ all that I had accomplished thus far regarding recovery, but because I could NOT pull myself out of this black hole, I felt useless and I just wanted the pain to go away. I honestly don't know, to be honest because I barely even remember getting them to begin with and I don't remember abusing them at all, but I do know that I did because I did things VERY out of character for myself during this time, as I was told. It makes me feel like I am literally losing my mind because I remember NONE of it, including GETTING the narcs and getting them filled or anything! Yea, I'm ashamed and feel like a total screw up for all of it but I quickly bounced back and although I will still occasionally have to use a LIMITED amount of pain pills (I've tried, I can't get around it.... I really am in too much physical pain that my physical activity is almost down to nothing anymore) And honestly, I've asked myself over and over "is this just an excuse to use pills for the emotional pain? It's something I honestly answer to God for everytime I take A pill..... yes, A pill.... not 7, 8, 10 pills at a time like it was before...... and I push myself far before I will require something. So I really have done great with recovery aside from those 4 days of I don't know WHAT the heck happened to me.... I prefer to pretend it didn't happen but I can't. It did and I hate that it did but I have to forgive myself and move on. God has.

So there ya have it..... that's where I REALLY am..... and that's how I'm REALLY doing...... now i'm hoping that since I've blogged and gotten all of this off my chest that maybe God will give me THREE hours of sleep before I have to be up? Seriously, these insomniac phases never turn out well for me emotionally..... going on 50 hours now..... grrr

This and That

2010-10-08T11:53:00.000-04:00

So it's been about 3 weeks since I've blogged. The truth is, I've been in a fog and a severe depression for the past 3 weeks or so. I simply haven't wanted to face reality, period. Right now, reality sucks. I want no part of it. What I DO want is drugs. What I DO want is to make the past go away. What I DO want is to live a "normal" life and not to feel like I have to "pretend" everything is okay when it's just simply NOT! I'm tired of the fact that I can tell someone something til I'm blue in the face (the truth) when the simple fact of it is that people are going to believe what they want or choose to believe. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong for everyone else when the truth is I can't even be strong for myself right now. I'm hanging on by a thread and not too much longer and that thread's going to break. Am I smart enough to know that I should hurry and hang onto something else other than the thread that's about to break before people lose me altogether? Sure, I am..... do I have the emotional strength to do so? That's a different story. I don't know right now. I just don't know. Do I even know HOW to change that by which I'm hanging? I don't know the answer to that either! God knows I've TRIED. For someone who hates the word "try" and "can't", i'm sure using those words a lot lately. God knows how many times I've been suicidal in the past 3 weeks. Only He knows. I don't have it in me to simply end my life on my own, so why tell anyone? I'm not in any danger so why worry those around me? It's not like they can't see that I'm clearly depressed anyway. It's painfully obvious. When did my depression start this time? It started when a bunch of changes took place in my life (not good or bad, just change, period) and then very soon after, I hurt my lower back and I've been in more pain than I've been in in a long time, and then I guess reality set in that I would have to finally face my painful past w/o the use of pills. That reality isn't settling too well with me.
I'm missing my dad like crazy. I wish so bad that he were here and that I could talk to him about the pain and struggle with pain and addiction combined.... he would understand..... I was too little to remember, but I know that my dad struggled with addiction to pain pills at one time in his life after having his hip replacements..... and I remember him warning me not to get into pills when I first started on them b/c I had kidney stones.... but I had no idea what he really meant..... well I do now. Sometimes I'll go to an AA meeting and I'll get so angry that all these alcoholics made it out alive but that my dad had to be taken away from me b/c of the SOB alcohol..... it's so not fair. What I would give to sit next to him and listen to him play his guitar which he was so amazingly good at. The man could sing like none other..... he sounded a lot like waylon jennings..... he was just amazing. I miss him so much. I want to come out of this addiction alive and make him proud of me. It sure is a lot harder than I thought it would be.......

Lost

2010-09-12T09:33:00.000-04:00

I feel so lost right now. I still haven't used. In other words, I'm still sober. I have taken a pill twice for very severe pain but I left it at that. I wish right now that I were back on them full time..... I want them right now for emotional pain. I want to hide behind those pills again. I have nothing to hide behind anymore and it hurts dammit! It hurts so bad. I'm trying to lean on God... He's all I have left, and I know that He's all I need, but then why does it hurt so bad? At least on pills, it didn't hurt quite as bad (until I ran out!).
There is so much change going on in my life.... and once again, I feel so alone. I have one person moving in, then another person moving in (both with significant issues) and then those two don't get along so I was always stuck in the middle of a bunch of drama.... then one person goes away for two weeks and the other has a nervous breakdown and finally decides she needs treatment (good for her, I'm proud of her!) and ends up leaving the day before the other girl comes back...... this person going, that person coming, all the drama, always being in the middle, trying to find recovery from a pill addiction..... it's all throwing me for a loop and depression is trying to make it's home in my life and I can't seem to find the strength to kick it out this time.
I feel like a stranger in my own house now because the girl living here doesn't even know me at all. I've been accused of doing things I just don't do. I know it's all her insecurity and I can't own those things because they are her problem, not mine. But it still hurts. I feel just as alone as I did before anyone moved in at all. I just want my husband. I hate that he works such crazy hours. I feel like I'm slipping away. Am I suicidal? The thought is certainly there..... will I do something crazy? I don't think so.... I just want the pain to stop, both emotional and physical...... I just want someone to know me for who I am and not make up all this crap about me that isn't true. I just want people to be there when they say they are going to be there......
Right now, I just want pills! Tired of fighting..... i'm so drained..... I'm just tired... and lost.

Bear Hunting?

2010-09-02T18:45:00.000-04:00

Ok so I'm in the mountains.... and I want to go bear hunting..... no one wants to go with me so maybe i'll just take an adventure by myself....... what I'm really after today is pills like I've never been before and I'm about to abuse anything in sight..... so I'm kinda trying to take my mind off of things and what better way to do so than to go bear hunting? There is so much more to this post that needs to be said because I'm just in one of those moods and I need something..... I'm flipping out...... I really thought this would get easier but it's not.... it's getting harder.... I was in a meeting the other night where a guy shared the exact same thing I was feeling so it made me feel like I wasn't so alone. But that doesn't make it any easier!!!! My sponsor is great and she helps but she can't be with me 24/7. It really is all up to me...... but one thing she told me is that when she finished reading my "step one" which was her assignment to me to write as long as I needed to write until I could convince myself that I KNEW that my life was unmanageable and that I was powerless over my addiction and she needed me to write HOW i knew so. Well I did..... it took twelve pages and I plan to share it on here.... when I get the energy to do so..... I actually have the energy right now but am too darn anxious and bored and flipping out to sit here much longer than 5 minutes.... so for now this is my post....... my Step One to follow... in the next post.......

Grieving and learning about God's Grace....

2010-08-18T22:58:00.000-04:00

God knows I want some pills tonight..... I thought this would get easier, not harder..... I don't know what I would do w/o my sponsor right now.... I keep saying she was God-sent b/c I truly believe that..... w/o God's strength right now (cuz mine is empty) I would be out searching for pills right now. Why am I grieving something that has done so much damage to my life? I feel like I lost my best friend...... like someone died! The anxiety is getting harder and harder to deal with and I used Ativan for a couple weeks to deal with it but God knows I can't keep doing that or I will end up with a Benzo addiction and I can't even go there cuz the withdrawals from those are even more dangerous than the ones from the narcotic pills, so I hear or have seen in detox centers..... besides, I don't want to depend on a pill to get me through the day. What the heck is it about a pill that is so appealing to me? I don't understand. It got to the point to where they didn't make me high lonnnnnnnng time ago so I don't get what it was about them that I just HAD to have...... the ativan helped the anxiety but I could control them..... I didn't have to do more than necessary (more than prescribed) in order to feel like I had enough...... but I'm sure it would get to that point if I continued them so I haven't gone back for anymore.... part of it is the pain I'm still in from my nice little red flag ocean escapade..... but a lot of this if not most is psychological I know...... I went out of town.... yea I think I said that in my last post.... and I did the meeting my sponsor told me to do and I did so again tonight which I did NOT want to do..... and I shared, which God knows is so hard for me to do...... it's uncomfortable..... but sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations/positions in order to get ahead in life.... getting out of our comfort zones I guess is what I'm talking about here..... maybe that's what I'm dealing with..... maybe I'm answering my own questions as I blog..... sometimes that happens.... sometimes that's why blogging helps..... but yea so anyway, I'm struggling like hell tonight and God knows I need more strength..... but somehow, some way, I'm keeping myself from going out searching for pills..... so maybe I have the strength from Him that I need and I just want the struggle to go away.......

Ok so I just read 2 Corinthians 12..... 7-9 says "There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I have heard that verse and loved it for so long but I didn't remember where it was.... I just opened up and started reading 2 Cor 12..... yep, God always meets us where we are..... maybe He's telling me I have the strength I need from Him and through my own weakness, God will and can use me to help others? I don't know, but it does remind me of one of my favorite songs by Matthew West..... the lyrics are here:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…

There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

So what I got out of this blog is this. God's grace is enough for me. I have all that I need through Him. I will make it yet through another night without pills b/c I don't need them. I only need God and His grace is sufficient for me..... for the next 5 minutes and the 5 minutes after that.... and so on......

Cry out to Jesus

2010-08-17T21:21:00.000-04:00

So it's been about a week or so since I blogged. Right now I'm riding down the road to who knows where..... just spending some time with my husband alone which I have not been able to do in so long..... life just has a way of getting in the way of things like that sometimes...... I really wish he had different hours at work cuz they suck as far as getting to see him very much..... anyway.... I just went to the most redneck-ish NA meeting I've ever been to..... but my sponsor said that even though I was going out of town I was to find a meeting and go to it..... so I did and it was interesting and different but you just never know what you're going to hear at a meeting that may help..... cuz I believe that God always meets us where we are..... and He did tonight..... the phrase "surrender to God" was mentioned and it got my brain going pretty good...... as if my brain doesn't move fast enough..... then I got in the car and the first song I heard was "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day..... great song, by the way, if you haven't heard it.... you tube it.... it's pretty amazing words.... anyway...... I'm struggling more than ever right now..... it feels like I'm struggling more NOW than I did in the first 2 or 3 weeks of recovery..... I didn't expect that at all. I mean seriously, I did NOT expect this to be this hard since I was doing so well in the beginning. Well, last week, I injured myself pretty good because I didn't listen to my body's limits..... if you follow my blog, you know I suffer from chronic pain and neck crap..... well I went to the beach and it was a red flag day..... I thought, I have an inner tube so I'll be alright... it won't throw me around too much...... FYI, red flag means you will be hurting for the next few days no matter WHO you are or what you suffer from or don't suffer from. At least in the ocean it means that. So anyway, I was at my limit..... I was above my limit for pain about 2 days afterwards and I allowed myself to stay that way b/c I was so afraid that if I got anything, it would be considered a failure and/or relapse..... so for about 24 hours I stayed in that pain and I thought I was gonna die..... I didn't know how I would make it.... I wanted to just suffer through it and wait for it to end but I couldn't so I talked to several ppl including my sponsor and they all reassured me it would not be a failure or a relapse if I got something for that pain..... it was obvious and w/ the injury I had (aka taking a few head dives into the sand when the waves threw me upside down in my tube) that I was above my limit with pain. And that was the ONLY reason I needed something. I was surprised at how well I did with the pills. I only got enough for a couple of days and I actually took them as prescribed. It said every 4-6 hours and I actually waited the 6 hours instead of watching the clock and waiting for the 4 hour mark. I did so well with them. And when they were gone, I was fine with that, my pain had subsided and I did just fine. Now 2 days later, God KNOWS I want some more pills..... I just talked to my sponsor (whom I love to death and was definitely God-sent) and I asked her..... why am I struggling so much more NOW than I did in the beginning..... In the first 2 or 3 weeks I was gung-ho and ready for recovery.... but now I just want to go back to the pills...... I'm definitely "white knuckling" it..... I won't turn back.... I just can't...... and she said to me something I have never heard....she said "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle" so between hearing about surrendering to God.... Crying out to Jesus... and not quitting 5 minutes before the miracle.... I'm doing this one day at a time.... in fact, I'm actually doing this 5 minutes at a time cuz God knows I want some pills..... but the truth is that if I go back, I'll die in my addiction..... I've escaped death so many times..... but I'm NOT invincible like I once thought I was..... and I've been blessed to have my life saved more than once when it comes to accidents and overdoses...... So tonight I'm crying out to Jesus to get me through the next 5 minutes....... thanks to all who support me everyday..... I need you more than you know!

The struggle Continues

2010-08-07T22:56:00.000-04:00

So I'm on day 35 without pills. I hate this. I'm in so much pain today all I want is a pill. It's like I'm grieving the death of my best friend. It hurts so much. Emotionally, physically..... everything.... it just hurts. I have been running around town since 10 this morning and now I gotta go back out again after just getting home. I'm going to an NA meeting... it's one that I really like and I met some really good people there that can help me through this. I got a sponsor and I feel like God sent her to me because she is so right for me. I love her so much already..... I just got off the phone with her and she has helped me stay clean so far. I am realizing though that I cannot replace my addiction with other addictions. Like Energy drinks..... people...... anything..... that's just my personality.. I need SOMEthing comforting...... so maybe I need to get addicted to God..... hey there's a concept.....

So the meeting was a bit emotional and I'll explain that tomorrow when I'm not so tired.... by the way, I started this post yesterday and now it is tonight and I'm finishing it...... I gave myself a "down day" and slept a lot and did a lot of other pain relief methods like Tiger Balm and my TENS unit and heating pads and such.... a couple of muscle relaxers were needed but I don't abuse those..... anyway, the day helped just to do nothing but relax and take care of ME...... so anyway I have more to say but I'm too tired but feeling positive about my recovery so that's a good note to end on I suppose..... Thanks to all who have supported me through this!

The power of "paying it forward"

2010-07-27T20:59:00.000-04:00

Now, this phrase is obviously commonly used in certain situations and while it's been used in a certain situation involving a friend of mine and a business opportunity lately, the idea never hit me as much as it did today when I talked to a girl that I just met last night at an AA meeting. Today I am 24 days clean....... I did this..... no detox, no rehab, nothing, just going through the withdrawals at home and support from the family and friends that I have in my life. But no one stopped me from going and getting more pills. I chose to make that decision. The last three days have been some of the most stressful days of my life...... But because of my faith in God, I've gotten through it and I've gotten through it Clean and Sober. I've been in so much pain too which only makes the cravings worse.... the tension complicates my pain beyond no end. However, sometimes you just do what ya gotta do for those you love..... and that's what I TRY to do though I feel like I fail so often. Anyway, I decided after the whole ordeal yesterday at the hospital with my friend to walk into an AA meeting late cuz that's the best I could do..... and I had no idea what the topic was or anything when I walked in,.... the first thing I did when I walked in was raise my hand..... and I thought "oh crap I just raised my hand and I have NO idea what I'm going to say!!!" So basically I just shared my story a little bit and my clean time and the way I've gone about it this time, blah blah blah..... and I shared my struggle and my complete and total fear of even talking in front of 50+ people but I also said that if I was going to stay clean, I knew I was going to just have to "put myself out there" and not care what anyone thinks...... I talked about how I have NEVER followed the guidelines they give you in the Detox unit like going to AA/NA mtgs, getting a sponsor, working the "steps" blah blah blah...... NEVER..... and I still didn't this time but one thing I did do which has made all the difference in the world is that I reached out to God at my rock bottom.... and it's true .... God always meets us where we are cuz He met me one day when I had a bunch of pills still left in my pocket and in a second's time, I ran to the bathroom and flushed them. How in the world I had the strength to do THAT? uhhhh I didn't...... that was God..... totally God but I reached out to Him and He answered me when I called...... so basically these are the things I shared..... and somehow, they flowed so smoothly out of my mouth like there wasn't a single person in the room. Again,..... a GOD thing.... HELLO!! I just don't speak in front of people..... but uh I guess I do now,..... anyway, I admitted to wanting to try and do it the NA way (even though it was an AA meeting technically) the principles are all the same and they don't exclude God cuz they know we can't stay clean w/o Him! Some ppl's views might be different but I know mine and I cling to them!!! That's all I've been doing!!! So anyway, I was amazed at the swarming of support I got in that room..... I felt loved, understood, appreciated for sharing, I felt rewarded and I felt healed to just one more degree....... it was amazing....... so this girl comes up to me afterwards and gives me her number and says I'll be your sponsor if you're willing to call me everyday. There are definitely expectations in this program which I'm not used to.... I'm used to doing things my OWN way but I'm going to follow what they have to say and see where it leads and let God lead me through it. So she shared her story with me and it was so similar it was unreal, only her "drug of choice" was alcohol..... I shared with her how I watched my dad die from alcohol and it was hard as hell..... and I commended her for her FIVE year sobriety... that number scares me...... 24 days has been the longest 24 days of my life.... at least in 11 years it has been..... so the thought of going a year or two or 5 or 7...... wow I can't wait..... I'm finally ready......

So anyway, I had to take something to my friend in the hospital tonight and while I was there, I asked if a certain nurse was working on the detox unit that I used to be on ..... I was pretty much a permanent resident there....... she knew me by name immediately..... I asked her if she had just a couple minutes to come downstairs and when I shared with her where I was... she cried .... it touched her heart and she said "if I have to work here 25 years to hear one success story like yours, then it's all worth it"...... I just had to thank her for all she had allowed me to put her through when I was on detox cuz she and I clashed big time when I was on the unit time after time..... I'm going to do the same with my favorite nurse tomorrow during her shift during the day........

So anyway, as I was talking to my now new sponsor... she was sharing her story about how when she overdosed on vicodin and alcohol a few years ago and was taken to a hospital there was this nice man who actually treated her like she had value and didn't look down on her or anything... just loved her and felt bad for her...... and someone asked her recently "have you ever thanked him?" and she said i don't even know who he is...... so she told me she wrote a letter describing herself, the date and the circumstance and sent it to that unit she was on and prayed it got into the right hands..... until this day she doesn't know if it did or not...... but regardless if HE saw it, someone did and maybe that will educate those in ER's that aren't so nice to "people like us" who have addictions..... we have value as much as anyone else and deserve to be treated as so..... and she just wanted him to know that he is probably the one that saved her life and why she is now 5 years clean...... I thought that was an amazing story..... it inspired me to "pay it forward" .... in more ways than one!!!!

Day 22!!

2010-07-25T15:54:00.000-04:00

Ok so this is the longest I've gone in 11 years...... 22 days..... I'm looking forward to going to an NA meeting and getting that 30 day keytag...... when i feel like giving up on recovery, which I do sometimes, I have to remember why I've held on for so long...... Why have I held on for so long? Because I WANT freedom..... screw addiction..... I no longer allow it to control my life.... do I need a kick in the @sss sometiems when I want to give in,... um, yep but sometimes that's what it takes..... but mostly, I've done this on my own with my faith in God... w/o His strength, I wouldn't be who I am, let alone drug free for 22 days......... it doesn't sound like much, but after 11 years, it's a long time for me and I even just spent 18 hours in the ER with a friend needing help..... was that hard as hell for me? YES!!! Because I knew dilaudid was everywhere and I could have done something to seek it out, but my focus was on helping a friend and that's where it needed to be. I made it though!!! I'm so proud of myself and that's hard for me to say........ I have a lot more to say (imagine that) but I realy gotta try to sleep..... because unfortunately, after 18 hours in the ER they could not help her and that pisses me off to know end.... just b/c she doesn't have health insurance.....and they couldn't tell us that in the first hour or two??????? Seriously? I was beyond livid at some points but then I changed my attitude after a good friend "got into my head" and suggested I kill 'em with kindness..... hey it worked!!! All of a sudden I had a very nice nurse saying "bless your heart" to me every 10 minutes. it was kinda funny but it felt good to be acknowledged for what I was doing even though that wasn't my REASON for doing it.....I'm just a good friend, what can I say...haha.... I've learned a lot from other friends though on how to be the right kind of friend with balance and that's what I'm working towards and apparently I'm "getting it" according to the girls in the house.... it's all a learning processs....... much easier to do drud free though!! I actually hve a clear head now minus the lack of sleep..... anyway we have to repeart the process at the Medical College of Virignia in Rchmond tomorrow. .. if that's how it hs to be then so be it......... ok my eyes are closing and I can't even see what Im typing...... one of my biggest pet peeves, mis-spelling and all that english stuff.... but im surei' messed up a lot.......

ok i seriously this ambien is messing wiht me.... i think it's time to go to sleep now!

So confused.......but hey I"m 20 days clean all ALL narcotics!!!!!!

2010-07-23T18:11:00.000-04:00

Well I just made a huge post and for some reason my dog-gone blogger deleted it all.... gee It must not have been "positive" enough....... bottom line..... on a good note, I'm 20 days clean of all narcs today!!!!!! And I'm working on putting some balance in my life and a lot of ppl are getting hurt because of it..... I don't intend that.... I have the biggest heart and will do anything for anyone but I know that I must grow a lot stronger before I take much else on.......i just know God is my rock and I must depend on Him......and I"m working on that..... God knows I am!!

K so that was the shortest post I've made in awhile but grrrrrr and I had SO much more to say!! Imagine that!!! :-)

Telling God how I feel?

2010-07-11T01:55:00.000-04:00

Ok so I just read Psalm 101 and 102. The writer in 102 is telling God how badly he feels.... he even says in one verse "I can't sleep!" .... gee, I know how that feels..... and it feels horrible... but sometimes I think God isn't really concerned with the little pity feelings that I have..... but that couldn't be further from the truth! He really wants us to talk to Him about how we feel.... and right now I'm angry that I have an addiction that I haven't yet seem to be able to beat... I'm angry that I had to give it up even! I'm grieving pills as dumb as that sounds...... there are so many crazy mixed feelings.... but it's good to know that I can tell them to God and He won't judge me or hold them against me... He will even understand them! The first half of the psalm (102) is the writer talking about how badly he feels.... and the last half of the Psalm is praising God..... it appears it made the writer feel much better after venting to God about his feelings...... this might be a very simple way to take my Bible reading.... but it's what I got tonight...... so I'm going to go lie down and just pray and tell God how I feel.... (even though He already knows.... )

God Help!!

2010-07-11T01:42:00.000-04:00

Ok so the main withdrawals are over.... I think I said that a few days ago..... but these "post acute withdrawals" that the dr has told me about before but I have not waited long enough apparently to experience are killing me!!! I have the worst cramps in my legs I can't stand it. I just want some damn pills. That's all I want right now. But I did a very good thing tonight that I have not done before. This dr that I have been able to get pills from for so long now..... well I knew that if he remained someone I could get pills from, it wouldn't be a good thing for me... especially on nights like tonight.... so unable to make the call myself, I at least said to my husband "please call Dr Vuolo and tell him we are done with pills and not to write us any more scripts for narcs ever again. I asked him that while we were still at Heidi's in Indiana a few days ago.... tonight I was tempted to call him so I said "have you called that dr yet? if not please do so immediately before I find myself relapsing once again" and he called then and there. So that's that.... no more foot dr giving me anything..... not roxy's, not lortabs, nothing..... I'm done with tramadol and everything.... the only thing I'll probably take from here on out are muscle relaxers for my neck occasionally..... I can handle these.... I need SOMEthing..... the fact that I'm done taking pills doesn't just mean my physical pain has gone away.... it's still there and it's there something fierce today..... right now, all I can do is walk around this hotel room until my legs stop hurting so badly because I can't even lie in the bed and stay still for more than 3 seconds.... if even that long..... so all I can do is walk around and pray.... I'm crying out to Jesus more than I have I think since I was about to go into the 8th grade and I desperately needed to go to a Christian school after bad things happened in the public school.... that's a story for another time.... but I remember that summer like it was yesterday..... I had never leaned on God more in my life and prayed more in my life and I didn't even know where the faith came from that summer cuz it definitely wasn't something that was taught at home..... but now, I've been taught and for so long I have ignored a lot that I have been taught..... I just spent a couple weeks with a friend that I have been friends with for many many years .... someone who probably wants to wring my neck half the time because I just "dont get it" so often..... but well, she's still there and after 20 years, I think I'm listening to her..... God is it.... He is really it.... I can't do this w/o Him ..... I know that now.... I'm done flippen trying!!!!!! So for right now, I'm just going to go read my Bible.... and then I'm going to pray desperately for Him to either take the post acute withdrawals away or give me the strength to endure them..... and then I'm going to pray for a whole lot of other things too.... on the top of my list, Gracy.... love her to death and she's doing great for all she's dealing with.... I'm proud of her.... I just need strength to learn how to mentor someone to this intensity while I'm still struggling myself...... but I know she's in my life for a reason and God didn't bring her here just for me not to know how to handle her and kick her to the curb..... it wouldn't happen like that with me anyway... ever.... it's not how I operate.... never have..... so I'm trusting God more than I ever have..... EVER..... I need Him more now than ever.....
Now i'm just rambling so I'm going to continue to listen to my music, do the things I just said I'd do and then give sleep another shot..... God knows I need sleep!!!

Feeling helpless......

2010-07-08T14:04:00.000-04:00

Where do I even begin? My heart hurts deeply for Gracy..... I want to take her pain from her but I just can't...... I want to help her make healthy choices but all she wants right now is what's familiar and that is pain for her...... even though she wants to get rid of the pain..... finding my place with her right now is a hard thing to do..... I don't know where the boundaries need to be but I do know there need to be them...... I made a mistake in allowing her to depend way too much on me and being her sole support..... so now she thinks i'm abandoning her...... that couldn't be further from the truth..... I want to make the relationship more healthy so I CAN be there for her and guide her..... but boy do I not feel equipped.... but one thing I know is this..... God doesn't call the equipped... He equips the called..... and I have been called to minister to and mentor Gracy.... therefore, He will equip me to do so..... but I know I can't do it in my own strength.... it must come from Him and Him alone...... I just want Gracy to know that I love her more than she'll ever know and I'll do anything for her.... but I won't enable her..... she must learn that not everyone is going to abandon her..... I know a lot of people have.... and I've experienced the same..... but I know God will put the right ppl in my life at the right time.... and for some reason, He has chosen me to be in her life right now to minister to her and I am trying my best to answer that call..... I just feel so helpless right now......

Craving something awful.....

2010-07-08T10:27:00.000-04:00

So today is one of those days when my pain is pretty intense.... my physical pain..... I slept 5 hours on a children's bed, one NOT made for my back.... so my desire for pills today is pretty strong. I still feel pretty empty w/o them. I had a pretty good talk with Heidi last night and I know that it's time to head back to Virginia Beach even though I am not ready..... but the truth is, if it's not today, it will be another day and no matter what I won't be ready..... reality is there..... the reality that I'm going back w/o pills, and no support besides Larry..... Gracy, too, but I don't expect support from her..... She isn't at that point yet and I understand that...... so how I'm going to fight my fight and help her fight her fight too is beyond me but I know that God is in control. He has to be or it won't work. I must must must find a church when I get back and establish some sort of support network for as long as I'm going to be there anyway. No matter what, I still want to move back this way. I really miss my family and friends.... these are people that have always been there..... in Va Beach, I have pretty much found people to come and go and that doesn't suit me very well!
So anyway, the withdrawals are pretty much gone. They weren't nearly as bad this time because my relapse didn't last for too long. So if i can make it past the withdrawal point, and keep going forward, then I have no reason to look back. It's going to be a long road though between fighting this and helping to guide Gracy to the path where she needs to be.... I think I can do this w/o rehab... that is going to be what I try and if I find myself failing at it, then rehab it is. I know that I said before I thought I could do it w/o rehab but that was while I was still trying to "control" the pills and only take them when needed and it was before I lost my Oxycontin connection. So to even THINK I could do that was Ludacris..... it must have been my addiction having reservations about the whole thing but I completely have no reservations this time.... I'm even willing to go to some NA groups if I have to even though I hate them... but whatever keeps me afloat with all of this..... no, actually, I found a Christian Recovery program at a church and I'm going to try that..... I think it's one that I tried several years ago and it was pretty good.....

So God, today I'm craving something awful..... and I know that I won't make it through the day without your help....please just take my desire for pills away and replace it with a desire for more of You.... help me to be the example I need to be for Gracy so that she, too, can see that there is a better life with You away from addiction and pain. Help her to give her pain to You and not take it back. God, help me to do the same. Help me to know that even though I don't feel equipped sometimes for "the job" that You are really the One in control and You will guide me through it all. I love You.... please help me to live in such a way that portrays just that.

We are heading out in a little while.... I've gotten very little sleep so I'm glad Larry is here with us to help take us back..... God, keep us safe on the road.....

The Emptiness....

2010-07-05T17:45:00.000-04:00

It's a scary thing to know that I'm done with pills. It scares the hell outta me. I want some pills do dang bad today.... my anxiety is through the roof and I don't know what to do. I want to trust God to handle it but the anxiety is still there!! There is this sick empty feeling in my stomach.... I feel like I just lost my best friend. My best friend yet my worst enemy. It will never make sense to me how a pill can have such a stronghold on someone's life. NEVER. So I just wonder is it too late for God to use me? Will my scars and defeats ruin all of His plans for me? Will I be defeated yet again? What exactly do I turn to to replace those pills? Yea, I know.... turn to God..... I guess I've always needed something concrete to turn to in addition to God.... but then, that's kinda like I'm saying God isn't enough...... and I know that He is.... I have to trust it...... the other night Heidi was making me do something (I don't remember what it was) and I was fighting her the whole way..... then she finally said "Jenn do you trust me?" I said yes..... and that was that.... then I was able to cooperate with her and do what she wanted me to do..... so do I trust God like that? Can I just follow Him blindly? Shoot what other choice do I have really? I'm going to go downhill and never make it back if I don't choose to do SOMEthing that works..... and the only thing I have EVER found that works is .... God..... today, I am going to find the strength I've never had.... and I'm going to put my trust in God to take my pain.... the pain of addiction is one that cannot be explained in words..... and you don't know it unless you have been there.... I've been through it all and nothing compares to the pain of addiction. I'm not crazy about 12 step groups, but one thing that they say is true..... drugs lead to jails, institutions or death...... well, my dad died from addiction..... i've been in institutions... the only thing left is jails.... and actually I spent 4 hours in a jail because of Rx fraud.... so I guess I've exhausted those things..... now it's time to try something that works..... God..... alright God, You lead because I'm lost in pain right now and I don't know where I'm going..... or how I'm getting there.....

The Aftershock....

2010-07-05T12:01:00.000-04:00

I cannot believe I flushed my pills.... part of me is angry at myself for doing so (that would be the addict in me) and part of me is proud of myself for doing so..... I hope God is too. Well the withdrawals today aren't too bad yet.... hopefully they won't get too bad with the withdrawal meds that I have.... so anyway, I'm beating myself up pretty hard for the relapse I've had this month..... thoughts like "I'm a failure, I'll never make it, I'll always be in this cycle," keep invading my mind...... but all I can do since yesterday is pray and listen to encouraging music..... 2 songs that keep helping to redirect my thoughts in a positive way are "There's only Grace" by Matthew West....and That's What Faith Can Do by Kutless..... here are the lyrics....
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…

There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.

Here are the lyrics for the other one....

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

So that's my post for now.... I'll come back later..... might be going to Chicago today.... yes again! I love Chicago... this would be my 4th time back on this trip.... but my husband is here now with us (yay!) so I want him to see some things there too....

Flushed the pills.....

2010-07-05T00:27:00.000-04:00

Well I'm scared as hell right now. How am I going to beat this? I've got 2 more days and then I'm out of pills.... and it's down to withdrawals meds (just the tramadol) and that will take about 5 days to do for detox. I'm done. No more just trying to take them only when I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. If I have to make an ER visit once to three times a month when I reach that pain level, so be it. But as far as trying to control the meds myself, it's over. I hate my addiction more than I've ever hated anything in my life. Why does it hurt so damn much? There's an emptiness and a loneliness and a void in my heart that I'm completely sick to my stomach. Heidi left today for a couple days with her family and when she left, things were not really okay between us. She is not happy with me and I don't blame her. I do think she was a little harsh in some ways, but fair and truthful in all the rest. But when she left, I was sick to my stomach. I can't stand to "go to bed angry" with someone or vice versa.... I am the type of person who needs to resolve things before I part ways with someone for any amount of time. And not being able to do so kills me inside. I hate it. Do I worry too much about what people think? Well maybe so but I don't know any other way. I just know this whole thing hurts. Will I ever leave this cycle I come back to over and over and over? I don't WANT to be here!!!! I'd rather die than to stay in this cycle of addiction. I'd honestly rather just die. I can't have too many more nervous breakdowns like I had the other night. That was a mix of a lot of things though. There are just some things in life that I don't know how to handle and I think I do until I realize it's just over my head. What I really want to do right now is just go flush the rest of those pills and go straight to the tramadol for withdrawals. Do I have the strength to do it?

(30 minutes later) Wow I just shocked myself, I ran to the bathroom and flushed the last of my pills. God, I wish I would have done that in front of Heidi.... but Larry saw me do it and he can vouch for me..... most of all God saw me do it..... but here I go again, desperate to make her proud...... ugh, one step at a time......

All I could do afterwards was cry and cry and cry. I've never done anything like that in my life..... NEVER. Why does this hurt so bad??? God, I'm trusting You now.... in blind faith because the addict in me wants to say that I won't be able to do this and STAY done with it...... but I have to trust You or I won't make it in life from here on out..... I really think I'm done this time God.... if I can flush pills, I'm done.... I'm done..... well tomorrow is day one of detox..... we'll see how that goes...... AGAIN. I have nothing for anxiety or anything though so I'm scared to death. Please God, help my unbelief. Help my anxiety to calm down.... just help me through this. I have realized I can't do it in my own strength.... I can't...... how long does it have to take me to realize that?

So i'm going to detox on my own but now I need to find some kind of rehab and I'm really wanting a Christian rehab.... we'll see where God leads..... the main thing I'm scared of is if I'm someone else's lifeline.... how can I just leave and go to rehab..... I'm so confused .... and scared..... God is in control now..... I can't handle the control obviously..... another thing God, please help me not to replace this addiction with the Eating Disorder that I worked so hard to overcome...... please help me to remember that only you can fill the God shaped hole in me..... nothing else works..... I KNOW these things yet I have ignored them for so long...... help God.... just help please.....

I don't like what I see.....

2010-07-04T18:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I've been gone from home one month as of today. My trip to the midwest has turned into a 4-5 week trip from the 2 1/2 week trip it was intended to be. Why? Cuz life happens. Or actually I just happen. My drug addiction is tearing me apart on the inside and it's affecting every area of my life, including the way I treat other people. The last thing I ever want is for someone to think my pills are more important than they are. I feel like an utterly and complete failure right now. My addiction once again has complete control over me and my life. I've had a lot of good time to spend with Heidi and she has thrown some pretty hard truths at me. I hate it but I'm glad that she is that kind of friend. Sometimes I don't understand why she doesn't just give up on me and say "Jenn it's been 20 years.... if you don't get it by now, you never will." Thank God she hasn't done that and I don't believe she ever will..... but why, geeze.. I am not worth it. I don't deserve her in the least bit. I don't deserve her friendship, let alone being part of her family.
So why is this happening.... where am I going wrong? Why can't I flippen GET it?????? I know why but I don't know why I keep choosing to turn from the real true source of help--God Himself. I was clean for about 2 years and during those two years, God was a big part of my life..... He was even FIRST in my life for a huge chunk of that time. So why is it so easy to just walk away from that?
I'm so angry at this addiction for the stronghold it continues to have on me. The tears just won't stop. I want so badly to move back this way so I can have the support system I've had for 20 years ..... so they will be closer to me and I can use that as a basis for my support while branching out and meeting other people as well. I just don't know how to find the kind of friend that Heidi is, back in Virginia Beach..... I have tried..... I had what I thought was one and then after one blow up between the two of us, she ended our friendship. I'm so scared that people will just continue to always walk away from me. I still fear Heidi and Todd will, even though I know that to not be true. So how do I get God back in my life and make Him first in my life, more importantly? Will He even take me back this time? Or am I too far gone, like that verse in Hebrews that always scares me. Am I really so far gone that I just cannot be brought back to Him this time?

I have had a good trip overall..... have spent some amazingly quality time with a lot of people from my family and then some friends.... but some pretty crappy stuff has happened too. I'm trying to lead someone else the same way that Heidi has led me.... only problem is I'm not like Heidi and I'm not strong like she is..... So anyway, a couple nights ago, I had a nervous breakdown ... I don't know what it was..... I felt like maybe it was just lack of sleep.... I had been pretty sleep deprived for about 5 days and I was emotional as hell and having night terrors and flashbacks and dissociating and everything. It got to the point one night where Heidi took me to the hospital.... and what I feared happening if I went,.... did. Of course they thought I was crazy and shipped me over to another hospital with a psych ward on it..... I'll be damned if I go to a hospital again when I'm sleep deprived or emotional. Unless I'm darn near suicide, the hospital will not be seeing any of me again. Screw that. So I stayed there for a little over 24 hours.... it was pure hell. I hated every minute of it and all I did was take their psychotropic drugs to help me sleep through it. I just want to escape. I still do but I know it's not the right choice. So this is where I find myself. I am in a deep pit and I also happen to be someone else's lifeline..... how do those two things jive? I was told today by someone that if I didn't watch what I say to Gracie that I may end up having a dead girl on my hands..... that hurt like hell. So now I'm responsible for all her choices too???? She ended up cutting because of me and my addiction...... I'm sorry, but that's a lot of pressure ...... how the hell am I supposed to focus on my issues (mainly my addiction and the flashbacks that keep coming up, right now because of the Indiana daily fireworks) and worry that I am responsible for keeping someone else alive? Is that even fair? Am I being selfish..... God knows I've given my all to Gracie to try and help keep her head above water..... she has come a long way in 4 months and she credits a lot of that to me, even though I put the credit right back on her because she has been the one making good choices to get her this far. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way at all.... I love her to death and only want the best for her.... sometimes I wonder if I am it.... but I try my best...... I just know I could be so much more for her if I could kick the addiction to pills to the curb and never look back. I look at myself in the mirror and I HATE myself..... I hate who I've become..... God knows I'm at rock bottom now and I have to do something or others will have a dead girl on THEIR hands. And that would be no one's choice but mine. I don't see myself going that route, but I can't stay here..... that's for damn sure. Right now, it's do or die. Have I said these things before? Yep.... so why should anyone believe in me..... really, why should they? Heidi says I'm in the same cycle I was in 10 years ago..... little does she know that I have actually made quite a bit of progress since then. She doesn't see it though because she doesn't live with me on a daily basis. But I can certainly see where she is coming from and why she sees that. I had a conversation with her a few nights ago about how I just wanted to badly to make her proud. Hell, I'm not someone she can be proud of... I don't know if I've ever been. She tells me that I need to worry more about God being proud of me.... and I see that too, but I'm human too and everyone needs some form of acceptance from others..... and that just happens to be what I need from her. Will that ever happen? I don't know but I can hear her now..... "Jenn don't try so hard to make me proud.... just make sure you are making good choices and making God proud."

So..... this pill addiction. Why???? Why can it have this strong of a hold on me? I just want to be done! I really do.... my choices don't portray that and no one sees that.... but in my heart, I know I want to be done. The question is, then, I guess.... "am I ready?" Maybe I haven't been. But at rock bottom, I guess I have to be. What scares me so flippen much about being drug free? I remember those two weeks about 2 months ago that I was completely clean and it was hard, but towards the end of the two weeks it was great. The problem was that I knew I still had a doctor that I could get anything I wanted from..... well, God must have seen that I didn't have the strength to no longer see that doctor, so the DEA ended up calling that doctor and telling him not to give me anymore schedule II narcotics. So he went down to hydrocodone.... which does nothing for me except give me a pill that I can say is a narcotic and for some reason that pill seems to fill the void in my soul ..... but only for a very short time and then I crash.... so then more and more pills are needed. But I have seven left. I am using them to wean off so maybe the withdrawals won't be as bad and then I'll go back to taking the detox meds and quit those in a couple weeks like I have before.

I'm done. I tried the method of just taking it when I absolutely reached a level 10 of pain..... it didn't work. I'm too much of an addict. I don't want to play into the addictive behaviors anymore. I don't want to be known as someone who lies, manipulates, to get what I want in life. I do know someone that like who does it in a much more extreme form, but I absolutely HATE it about her and I don't want to be seen in the same way. Most importantly I know it displeases God and I want to live for Him..... where do I start? I will start by finding something on the internet to listen to that is spiritually encouragement and then I will read my Bible and journal my prayers. One thing I did at Mercy that really connected me to God was journaling my prayers so I must start that again. I really need accountability. I need it or I won't make it. I need Heidi and Todd to be my "truth-tellers" and hold me to God's standard. I just pray that I will find other people like that too so I can have a network to lean on and turn to.

I feel a little better that I blogged now. I am asking those of you who are following my blog to check up on me, encourage me, give it to me straight.... I know several of you are recovered addicts too and I need to hear from you. I need to know this can be done. Please tell me it can because right now, I do NOT like what I see in the mirror..... this girl in the mirror needs to change..... Thank God for second chances (and so on and so on..... this may be my 572nd chance..... )

What happened???????

2010-06-03T22:20:00.000-04:00

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted. Life just gets busy I guess. Actually I stopped posting for a little while because someone who likes to stick her nose where it doesn't belong sent me a pretty nasty email putting me down in a big way because of my addiction and my feelings about some things that have happened recently. Well I'll be honest. It got to me a little bit.... but only for a minute.... then I realized who it was that sent it and um, it didn't bother me so much anymore because this girl has more issues than uh, um I'll just leave it at that. She's completely delusional and I don't even know why she reads my blog to begin with but I'm not going to let anyone keep me from writing honestly or let anyone make me afraid to write my true feelings and/or struggles as well as the positive things going on in my life. Period. Moving on.......

I'm getting ready to go on a road trip. I personally LOVE road trips. I'll be traveling with Gracie this time and I'm really excited about that because we have a lot of fun together and we haven't taken a road trip by ourselves yet. So this is our first major one. I'm taking her "back home" with me to meet family and friends. I haven't had 2 weeks to spend back home in Michigan/Indiana in so long so I'm pretty psyched. I'll be going to my niece's high school graduation (wow they grow up so fast!), then to my grandparents' on the lake for a few days. My grandpa is in a nursing home now. This is hard for me to accept. My mom's parents were a huge part in how I turned out. They were my rock growing up. My grandmother gave me my first Bible and they just made sure that we were well grounded in the Christian Faith. So in a chaotic stormy house of turmoil, even though they lived three hours away, they were my rock. I can't wait to spend time with them. The thought of losing either one of them is beyond what I am even capable of comprehending at this point in time. Even though they live 16 hours away from me right now, I plan on spending as much time with them as possible over the next few years. I have to. The last thing I want is for time to get away from me and to regret not doing so.
Moving on..... Then I plan on driving 3 hours south to my hometown, Niles, MI/South Bend, IN. I literally lived on the border of Michigan and Indiana. Stateline Road. My side of the road was Michigan and the other side of the road was Indiana. My friends think this is pretty cool. During Daylight Savings Time, it would be 5:00 on my side of the road and 4:00 on the other side of the road. Crazy huh..... Actually, since I grew up with it and it was normal to me, I thought it was annoying because I lived in Michigan but went to school in Indiana and worked in Indiana. Anyway, I have quite a few family in that area and old school friends and such. I plan to see as many as possible but I will only be there for about 3 days cuz after that, I am going a little west to the Chicago area where my best friend from high school lives. She is much more than a friend though. She is more like a sister and her family is very much family to me. They have included me as part of their family for as long as I can remember. I don't even know where I'd be today if it were not for my friend/sister Heidi and her husband Todd. I can't even say that I'd be alive, honestly. Heidi has played the friend, sister, mother, mentor, guide, teacher, spiritual advisor, you name it. I am beyond excited to spend some time with her and her two girls for a few days. It's Katie's 5th birthday! We will be riding the train to downtown Chicago and seeing a show and maybe going to the Sears Tower. I totally can't wait. Then we will be heading back home to Virginia. The drive is about 18 hours altogether coming from Chicago. We will probably stop to take lots of pictures. I'm a picture fanatic. Anyway, that's my summer trip back home..... and it will be so fun to take with Gracie.

I need this trip. I need to get away. It's been a little rough lately. Where do I even start..... geeze. Personally, my addiction has had its rough spots but that's pretty much it. Spots. I have been doing amazingly well with it. It's been hard as hell but I've been doing it. I've been only taking medication when I reach an honest to God red level 7-10. Lately that's been averaging out to 1-3 times a day. Seeing that on the screen makes me rethink... am I really doing that well? But compared to what I was doing before, I am. I was taking twice as many before. But the past 3 days, I've gotten even better even though my pain has been beyond rebellious on me. I have committed to not taking any pain meds for anything less than a true red 10. So once a day for three days pretty much. I'm anticipating that as I take this trip for the next two weeks, it will make my fight easier to fight. For reasons I can't put into words, really. I am completely committed to only taking pain meds when I reach an honest red 10. And even then, I will try several other methods first. I will not jump straight to the narcs. The other night I tried that for a migraine and although it didn't kill the migraine, it relaxed me enough to where I could just go to sleep for the night and it was gone when I woke up, so kudos to me. So all that to say I'm fighting and I'm fighting hard. It's slow slow slow progress, but the key is that there is progress and it's actually more progress than I'm probably seeing because I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I would like to see myself going several days between taking doses but that is actually coming up here soon. I went a day and a half this week, so I'll slowly begin to stretch that out as time goes by.

Well I began by saying that it's been pretty rough lately. Here's where I don't even know where to start. The truth is that my husband, too, is addicted to painkillers. I think I've mentioned that he takes them occasionally in another post. When I married him and for the 2 years before that, I felt like he was the perfect man. Of course he had his weaknesses and he wasn't literally perfect, but he was the perfect one for ME. Since he began to have a problem with these pills (even after SEEING what it does to ME and how it has hurt ME..... why would you even get close to going down this kind of road....ugh) I haven't wanted to throw him under the bus in any way. I haven't wanted anyone to know that he has this problem because I want him to always have the reputation of being the perfect husband for me. But I can't pretend anymore. Yes, we have problems now and things are not the best right now. Now he does have a legitimate injury and a very bad foot that causes him pain and he has a physical job (he's a mechanic) so that doesn't help. However, he used to get along just fine without using them on a daily basis so I'm not sure what changed. I remember 2 Christmases ago (around that time of year I mean) that he was hurting pretty badly and I offered him a pain pill. He was hesitant to take it as he didn't want to begin to have a problem with them. I understood but I didn't think taking it one time would cause a problem. So he took it and it made him feel better. I offered him a pain pill a couple times after that I remember. I don't remember when or how it happened but he began taking them more often and actually asking for them himself. I began to get worried that he was taking too much of them and confronted him. He said he'd be more careful. I trusted that. Then beginning in October when we went to Disney World, he began taking pills daily. He was going to pain management himself at this point in time. Part of that was to help me and part of it was for himself and it only enabled him to take the pills on a daily basis. I really confronted him about it at this point and all of the addiction signs began to show their faces by this time. I told him so. All I got was complete defensiveness. He did NOT see that he was addicted at all at this time. I told him he'd see it in time. When he could not go a single day without a pill w/o feeling the effects of withdrawal. So one day he wasn't feeling well and I asked him what was wrong and he finally said it. "I hate to say it, but I think it's withdrawals." "I don't want to say it, but I TOLD you so!" Yea, I had to say it. I told him "You think I don't know an addict when I see one? You're looking at the expert of pill addiction you know." Screw book knowledge. I know this crap firsthand. Addicts can NOT fool another addict. Well now he knows. Or does he? Because he still tries to.

So this is where we stand currently. A few nights ago we had a little "family intervention." It was pretty intense to say the least. All I want is for him to fight his addiction at least as hard as I'm fighting mine. And fight it WITH me! I feel like I could be quite a bit further in my own recovery if I had him on my side. But he is just not ready apparently. Even after the "intervention" I doubt his readiness. His willingness. His sincerity. His promises. Everything. I just doubt it anymore and it will take some time for him to prove himself, if he will even desire to at this point. His addiction has affected our relationship in so many ways. My trust is gone. I feel disconnected from him. I do understand pain. Of all people, I understand it. But when the pills begin to take control of your life to the point where you treat people like crap and you act so cold to the very ones that you say you love with all your heart, something is wrong. Very wrong. We have had very lengthy conversations about all of this and it all seems to go in one ear and out the other. I don't feel heard. My heart is broken into a million pieces right now. This is my third marriage and I am going to make this work if it's the last thing I do on earth. I quit too soon on my last marriage and I will NOT do so on this one. However, it is killing me inside. I cry myself to sleep a lot lately. I dissociate way more than I ever used to. I just want to crawl up into a ball and hide from the world. All I ever wanted was a partnership so wonderful that anyone walking by would be jealous of what I had. Instead of my being jealous of others all the time, I wanted what "they" had so I didn't have to be the jealous one for once. And for several months, that's exactly what I had. My marriage was beyond any standards I had ever set for myself in a marriage. It was greater than anything I could have ever imagined. And now with Gracie as part of the family, I couldn't be happier. Well, yes.... I could be..... not for Gracie though, as she has added so much to my life, it's unreal..... but I could be happier for my marriage. I'm scared as to what it will turn into. Will I ever give up on it? Not a chance. But for now, my heart is broken by him. The other night our "intervention" seemed to do some good for him... for all of us. He promised not to take another pill ever again. Pinky promised even. Pinky promises are unbreakable you know. And he knows that. Now, if he were going to get another prescription for pain pills, he is due on Wednesday. We will be gone on our trip. I was a little worried that temptation would get the best of him. Addiction has its way of manipulating and deceiving to no end. I worried that it would. I mean, he made this promise and I even gave him opportunity to back out that night because if he were going to commit to this promise, it was to be unbreakable. He committed to it. So tonight, I asked him. I said "I'm worried that you might go get that Rx while we are gone. You're not going to right?" Of course, it was what I expected. He couldn't tell me that he wasn't going to take any pills. As I began to cry at the heartbreak of him choosing AHEAD OF TIME to break his pinky promise, he walked away from me so quickly and so coldly. He was on his way out the door and he made a fast escape. I sat at the top of the stairs in tears, in such pain and anger at the addiction. He TOLD me that he would do what I wanted him to do to begin to recover from the addiction. So I've been thinking of things that we can do together or things just for him personally that might help him think differently about things. I really had hoped that it would work. And it could. If he would commit to it like he said he would. This is not the man I married. And I want him back. It's like I'm grieving. I am actually. Totally. I have lost the man I married and I'll be damned if he stays lost. But for now, he chooses to be. And that fricken hurts like hell. Dang I want him back. The man I married didn't snap at the drop of a hat. The man I married didn't make empty promises. The man I married made me feel like the most important thing on earth to him. I feel like I've been passed up by a pill. A fricken pill. Believe you me. I understand what addiction can do to a person. But I'm choosing to move past it. I'm working harder than I've ever worked in my life on anything. And it IS hard work. But I'm choosing to do it and I only wish and pray that he would make the same choice. It hurts so bad that I can't trust him anymore. His promises, his words mean NOTHING to me anymore. The pain I'm in right now is unreal. How long will it take to get all of this back? I've lost so dang much. This marriage and family is the most important thing to me on earth anymore. This is my life. And I love it. I WANT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *I'm melting down in tears and I only wish he cared*
Oh yea, and I feel like it's all my fault that we are even dealing with this. I am the stupid one who offered him a pill when he was in pain a couple of times. What was I thinking?? Yep, this is all my fault....

An attempt to ride and blog at the same time....

2010-05-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

Ok so Larry is driving and we have a LONG trip ahead of us.... still about 13 hours to go and he is in his driving zone.... watch out.... currently the MPH reads 83. Geeze... so anyway, if I can keep my mind here and not on the road, I'll see what I can do......

We had a really great trip. It was exciting to make it possible for some of Gracy's dreams to come true.... to watch her light up and be in amazement of where she was this week in comparison to where she was 3 months ago. Two different worlds and I'm glad she was in this one this week..... she is doing relatively well..... definitely has her struggles but we are working through them. I'm really struggling right now though because I'm scared that maybe I wasn't ready to play the mentor role that I ended up in.... I mean, that isn't to say I regret anything by any means because she has assured me that w/o me, she wouldn't be even close to where she is now..... but here lately, I question my ability, my competence...... am I less than what she needs? Am I strong enough to continue to work through my issues while also guiding her and helping her through hers? I have been pushing her pretty hard lately and I guess I got kinda excited that she was doing so well that I just kept pushing harder and harder and it got to be a bit much for her.... I appreciate her honesty though about that..... so, I am scared that I am going to fail her. So incredibly scared. Am I too incompetent for the mentor role? They say no, but I feel like I am unable to fall apart and struggle myself. Not that I WANT to, obviously .... it's the last thing I want..... but what do I do when I feel it all building up inside? If I am putting all my strength and energy into keeping her on track, what happens when it builds up so far that I do fall apart.....because only so much can build up inside before it explodes. And I don't mean explode as in anger.... I mean just crumble to the ground. Then if she is hanging on to me is she going to fall down with me? The last thing I want to do is fail her.... it scares me. It is a lot of responsibility when someone looks up to you so incredibly much.... and it is a responsibility that I am happy to take.... but it's just a lot of pressure sometimes and I dont know.... it just scares me! I seem to fail so much in every relationship I'm ever in and I don't really know what it is...... right now, I'm trying to let everything out, but believe me, this is just the surface and I'm having a really hard time reaching what's deeper beneath. I'm not even looking at the computer screen. It's like I'm looking right through it..... yea I'm dissociating quite a bit..... I don't know how to come out of it..... grr maybe part of it is that Larry is driving like a maniac...... ugh tailgating... I can't stand it.... don't ppl know how dangerous that is???

Ah my pill addiction...... I suppose you want to know how I'm doing with that. Well, I used a bit more this week than normal..... and honestly, I don't know how much was addiction and how much was honest red level pain. There really was quite a bit of red level pain this week because I have Sciatica nerve issues right now so walking so much has about killed me this week.... so I tried the whole wheelchair thing and that didn't work much either because if you've ever had sciatica issues, you know that sitting is almost impossible. Anyway, but if I am completely honest, as I am being right now, I would have to say half the time my addiction controlled my pill intake this week. Ugh!!!! Am I ever going to beat this???? I would say I've had a bit of a relapse because after what Kea did, I wanted to say screw it all.... so yea, I've tried to hide the pain by taking pills a few times this week..... ugh her head is so messed up.... she can't even see what she is doing... we all see it..... if she wants to shut her family out (all I did was stand by Gracy b/c of the way she was being treated, it was ridiculous... so yea, I got a little protective... forgive me, geeze) and get her head all messed up with some guy who thinks he is God.... then, she just has a lot of growing up to do...... I pray that she will come to her senses one day. She had been telling me recently that she snaps out of nowhere at times because of the pain and anger she is discovering inside so maybe that is what happened but either way, it's painful and I can't take it anymore.... in and out, in and out, wishy washy..... if you're going to be in my life..... then dammit, be in it...... if you don't want to be in my life..... goodbye. I just need real genuine ppl in my life.... I need something solid to stand on..... I feel like that solid ground I thought I was on got shaken quite a bit..... but I have to remember I still have Larry and Gracy...... Gracy and I got a little disconnected but she has reassured me that this is something every mentor type friendship goes through because it is a process of getting to know one another. As long as I haven't failed her, then good..... we'll make it through..... that's what I have noticed about Gracy .... she doesn't walk away when something gets tough.... kea is there when it is convenient for HER.... if it is too tough, then she walks away..... Gracy is just there..... always..... someone you can count on for sure and I'm glad to have that. I just pray I don't fail her. I have GOT to beat this addiction once and for all and then I'm sure I could help her quite a bit..... but until then, oh I don't know.... I'm just damn tired of fighting addiction..... how can something have such a strong hold on someone? And I'm STRONG too!!! I've been through crazy stuff that a lot of ppl would have never survived. I'm definitely a tough girl but I guess something is tougher than me.... pill addiction and pain too. Tired of fighting the honest to God red level pain that I fight almost daily lately..... going to the doctor is hard right now because of my past experiences with doctors..... I've always been looked down at as a drug seeker..... and sure, I have been just that at times...... but in the past year or so, I have not done that once..... I have not gone to the doctor for anything other than red level pain in over a year.

You know, I have a lot of SHAME I'm dealing with right now. That's what is eating me up inside I just realized. But for the past 4 days, I have done exceptionally well with the pills. I only took them once a day (in the morning when I hurt the most) for 2 days and then I skipped two days (didn't take any for 2 days) then I took a dose last night. So really my addiction just got the best of me during the very beginning of the trip. So I have to tell myself hey that's a really great job.... I can do this. I have nothing to be ashamed for. I have a problem and I'm working on it. It's just so incredibly frustrating because I would love to be able to be completely drug free but what the hell do I DO when I get to that honest to God red level pain? Seriously, WHAT DO I DO????? There are no answers for me..... it's all dead end..... and this is where it gets so incredibly emotionally painful..... I'm at the point of breaking down..... why has God chosen to allow me to live in such pain??? And where the hell is this new pain coming from? I have never had Sciatica nerve problems...... why now??? Come on God..... as if I don't have enough pain to deal with??? Seriously? Please I just want a break........

Venting....ending on a positive note!

2010-05-03T20:35:00.000-04:00

Ok, first of all, I am getting sick of not being able to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.... I can get maybe 3 to 5 hours a night at the most, but not consecutive hours. Ugh! I'm so drained. But anyway, such is life.
You know, it's a very painful thing to continually learn that you've been talked about in a very harsh and ugly way behind your back... publicly even, by someone who claims to love you and care about you. If that's love, I'm certainly glad she doesn't hate me! Even worse, half the things are not even true. Some people are just so incredibly manipulative. Do I have issues? Uh, duh. But I'm a good person with a good heart too. Just like her, I've got a hell of a lot of pain and trauma to work through (I've come a ways but I have a ways to go too) but I'm sorry that I know how to ask for help and that she would rather live a lie. I've spent two years trying to relate to her, only to find out she is so incredibly two-faced. Fool me once.... right? Ok, so shame on me then.... so I wanted to believe she actually cared instead of pretending to care. After all the lies I've been told, I have never bashed her to anyone..... in fact, I've stood UP for her when others told me to get away from her b/c of the manipulation. Now, after reading all that I have read in the past couple of days of things that she has written publicly about me, I say screw it. I don't even care anymore. Yea yea yea, forgive forgive forgive, blah blah blah..... I'm the most forgiving person in the world. Anyone who actually KNOWS me will tell you that..... but what's the point anymore..... I'm tired of putting so much effort into relationships only to realize they were never real to begin with. I really don't need someone like this in my life. It will take years to restore this relationship if ever.

I just took some pain meds because my foot is swollen twice the size it's s'post to be.... not to mention my lower back is KILLING me from spending so much time in that dang car of mine this past week. I can't say I didn't also use it to numb the emotional pain. I'm feeling like a failure today. But these negative feelings won't last long. I just needed to vent a little bit. I won't give some manipulative 19 yr old that kind of power. She already gets more than she deserves in life. Wait, that's a soap box for another day.... yea so, she gets no more of my time and energy today.
Glad to get THAT off my chest. I rarely talk like this but damn, a person can only take so much and then it's just time to move on.

So, by the way, on a GOOD note, I drove to Raleigh to pick up my new car last night. What a drive..... it's getting hard for me to drive long distances with my body feeling like it's 85 years old! Also hard driving that much on such little sleep. So Gracie and I had to be pretty creative to keep me awake and halfway sane. So anyway, I got yet another Saturn and she's a beauty for sure! For those of you who don't know, I was in a horrible car accident last year. I had a Saturn Ion Quad Coupe.... red. So pretty and sporty and all that good stuff and I lost it on Feb 21 2009 when two 14 year old girls were driving drunk in a stolen car running from the police. I was making a legal left turn and they came out of nowhere.... going almost 80 mph in a 35, they t-boned me right behind my driver's side door. They hit me so hard they tore the rear-end axle right out from underneath my car. And no kidding, no lie.... had I been going less than a half a second slower, I probably wouldn't be here to tell about it because they only hit me about 15 inches behind where I was sitting and there is nothing left of that part of the car so I doubt I would have survived it either. I felt like I barely survived it as it was, but truth is, although I have significant lower back problems now that I didn't have before... on top of the neck issues, I came out of that accident with only minor injuries. So anyway, why was I talking about my car accident anyway...... oh yea, so I ended up buying another Saturn but an SC2 this time because I had always wanted one..... oh my word, that body style couldn't POSSIBLY be manufactured for HUMAN bodies!!! I wonder if my most recent car (the SC2) has actually caused more problems in my back than my actual car accident did! Soooooo I finally got my new car! Yay I'm so excited and it's so pretty too! I got the very same kind of car that I wrecked--a Saturn Ion '06. I still have a couple things to add to it so it's exactly what I want--a sunroof and a spoiler. Then, yep I'm totally lovin' it. There's something about getting that new car that boosts my self-confidence.... anyhow, I'm very happy with it.

And on an even BETTER note, I got to take my first trip in it last night...... I'm a total trip taker.... they are a blast if you are traveling with the right people..... and I finally have that too--the right ppl to travel with, that is. So anyhow, we arrived at Disney World today. We drove overnight..... it was a VERY long night to say the least...... but we've got a full and exciting week planned..... I can't wait!! So, I'm off to bed now so I can get an early start tomorrow.

By the way, the first part of this post, I actually wrote a couple days ago and fell asleep writing it, so I'm finishing it now..... I vented, it's gone and those thoughts have no permission to invade my mind this week...... I'm so thankful for what I have and who I have.... it's nice to have real and genuine people in my life.... and even better to be able to vacation with them!!

Oh, so as far as my rehab goes, I struggled for a few days.... I mean, really struggled. However, I grabbed a hold of myself and said hell no I ain't givin' anyone or anything that kind of power in my life..... geeze I've given enough..... I'm back on track. I have a few pills for this week and I will only take them when I reach an honest red level (that point at which I can no longer bear the pain w/o losing it).

I'll keep y'all updated on how I'm doing this week. Should be a great week though!

Fighting for both sides?

2010-04-29T05:47:00.000-04:00

So let me preface my post with the lyrics from one of my favorite country songs.....

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
?Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

Ok, so I've always been known for giving people the benefit of the doubt for much too long. Call me gullible, call me dumb, or call me someone who just has a good heart and believes in those for whom she cares. Well, I'm not the first because I generally know when I've "been had" or lied to although those lying to me don't always know that for awhile. I'm not the second. I'm just not. I'm actually fairly intelligent. So I guess it's the third one. But when it comes to a point where I begin to realize that my trust just isn't important to someone, why keep allowing myself to be subjected to emotional pain? Maybe I don't give people long enough to gain back my trust, so for that, maybe you can call me 'dumb.' I just know that anyone can change; I guess what I need to learn is that some just don't choose to. I also know that had a few people in my life not given ME the benefit of the doubt and took a chance on ME, I would NOT be where I am today. So I try to take that same chance on others.

I think I'm learning something. Imagine that. Ok, so sometimes it takes me a little longer to learn than others, but hey, you can't say my heart hasn't been in the right place! So what am I learning? Well, while there have been others in my life who have been right there by my side the whole, and I mean the whole, time, there have also been others who came to a point in their own lives where they had to take a few steps back and love me from a distance. They could no longer be subjected to the emotional pain I was causing them by the horrible choices I was making. I always mistook that as them "giving up on me." I think I have a different perspective on that now. It was just that, without putting their own emotional well-being on the line, they could not continue to put the time and emotional energy in that it was requiring for them to invest in me on a day in-day out basis. They still loved me. They still wanted only the best for me. They still even believed in me; they just knew it was up to me to live up to my potential. Some chose to come back into my life at some point and some didn't; either way, it was their right but whichever choice they made, it didn't indicate their love for me either way.

I am CONSTANTLY sticking up for people. Constantly fighting for them..... literally! I've gotten in several arguments over the last couple of weeks with people in my life about why so-n-so needs the benefit of the doubt, why so-n-so deserves another chance, why so-n-so is acting the way they are; i.e. they are going through a hard time, they haven't had any sleep in awhile, they are young, etc. Some deserve that voice.... and some, I keep telling myself they will eventually prove to me that they do. But occasionally I am the one to get proven a fool. Tonight was one of those nights.

So I find myself fighting for "both sides," if you will. I'm fighting inside to know how to handle this one. I'm fighting inside to want to continue to "be there" in a very close way and I'm fighting to want to protect myself now. I am now faced with having to make a huge and unbearable choice. I have those closest to me (and who often know what's best for me when I don't) pulling me in one direction, along with the unbearable fear of a load of regret, and I have my heart pulling me in another direction. The problem is my head is not with my heart on this one so I'm not sure which way to go, which side to fight for. All I know is the emotional turmoil boiling inside from the whole mess I've gotten myself into here is causing me to want to use for the mere sake of numbing the pain. I haven't yet though. Not yet. But I won't either. I have fought too hard to get this far and I won't compromise it on this one. God it's so flippen hard though!!!

Overloaded.....

2010-04-16T02:07:00.000-04:00

So I started this post several days ago and then kinda shut down as far as sharing anything going on with me..... but I decided to go ahead and post it..... keep in mind this is from a little over a week ago and guess what, now I have a lot more stress and "overwhelmingness" to add! Yay, such is life.

Ok, so I just looked at my siamese cat and told him out loud "you are so darn cute... gosh, I love you... you just make everything okay sometimes..." It's funny how you can be so overloaded and stressed and then a little (well actually he's a big fat solid baby) cat can come up to you and give you the cutest darn look and make everything okay.

This post is going to be so all over the place so bear with me. I am completely overloaded and stressed to the max. You ever have SO many thoughts in your head that you don't even understand how they all FIT? I have so many thoughts running through my head and it has been that way for the past 24 hours. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions that I feel like I can't type, talk, or even THINK fast enough to express them all. So I might ramble on a bit.... kinda like I'm doing NOW! I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I can only stand so long without falling from it all. Most of it, I bring on myself too. I am the kind of person who just wants to fix everything! EVERYthing. I want to heal all the pain in my friends and family and fix any situation that is harmful or even seems harmful to anyone I love. So many times, this is such the case that I actually end up making things worse and then I feel even WORSE about myself and about everything else. I end up causing more stress for others and myself than was even necessary and it hurts so bad. I never meant to. I just want to help, not HURT! So then I have to back off a little bit and re-evaluate the situation and re-evaluate my own actions and adjust my own behavior. I'm not a prideful person so I'm okay with admitting when I'm wrong which I have done here. I try to be as objective as possible but sometimes I guess I don't see the big picture when I thought I did. So without making public the situation I'm talking about, those are the emotions and frustrations I'm dealing with that I CAN share. Frustrating. Mostly with myself. And it's situations like this that I have a hard time dealing with when I don't have pills to hide from the emotions and stress.

Then I am dealing with frustrations from not being able to connect with someone I love and I'm not sure where I'm going wrong, if I'm going wrong at all. Is it him or is it me? I don't care who it is..... like I said, I'm not prideful.... I can admit if I'm wrong.... but I just need to see that it IS me.... but he seems so distant, absent.... disconnected. It hurts. He is someone important in my life so I fear growing apart from him. I just want to fix it but I don't know how. I'm scared. I know I won't lose him. But how can I fix it? These are some more of the thoughts consuming my brain and causing me to lose sleep.

I never thought God would use me in someone else's life the way he is using me in Gracie's life. She has completely changed my life for the better in so many ways. It really makes a huge difference in my life to be able to make a difference in hers the way she says and it appears I have! It's amazing to watch the transformation. However, it is a lot of responsibility to have that huge of an influence on another life. I have to make sure I'm on top of MY game and doing all the things *I* need to be doing so that she has a positive role model and example to follow! When sometimes, I just want to lie down and give up, I know that I can't now because I have someone so incredibly special to me actually looking up to me. While this is all incredibly good, it is still stressful at times because of not only the reasons I just mentioned but also I am a very empathetic person. I actually *feel* the pain of others, especially those closest to me. And when I see her digging down and dealing with the intense pain of her past and fighting so hard, I in so many ways understand what she is going through and it is painful to watch!

So this is 14 days w/o any pills!!!! Wow I have never been able to say that. Last night, my pain level was an 11 on the 1-10 scale. I was almost to the point of literal insanity. The nerve damage from my broken neck and then the pain in my lower back from my car accident last year was just more than I could handle last night. I broke down and got some more pills. I did last 14 days though. I'm not sure how, wow I'm just not sure how I did that. So now I'm back to fighting not to take any pills unless I'm desperately in need of them for pain and only physical pain that nothing else can ease for me.

I'm gonna make a new post now to just catch up from this post to the present situation in my life now...... I've got a lot of venting to do.....

Struggling to fight.....

2010-04-10T14:53:00.000-04:00

So today it's been one week since I had any pills. I can't believe I have gone that long. AND..... whereas in the past, I probably would have stayed in bed and hid from the world for a good bit of that time, I only did that one day this week. I actually got up and did productive things and yea, I actually functioned without any pills. It has taken everything in me not to go doctor shopping until I can get some more pills on Tuesday. I saw my doctor the other day and I said to him..... "I DO want to be free of narcotics, but when I get to that point where it's just too much to handle, and the pain is just beyond what I can bear, as it occasionally does get that way, what am I SUPPOSED to do???" And he agreed with me. Luckily the pain has only gotten that way once this week, and that was the day I knocked myself out all day. So am I strong enough to say even though I CAN get more pills on Tuesday, I'm just not even going to get them, as in refuse to get pills when I am ABLE to? Haha funny.... yea, no I'm not even close to being that strong. I do occasionally need them for real.... but the biggest test comes when I get them and I have a full prescription amount of them. When I started this fight, I only had a limited amount left so for some reason it was easier I think than it will be to have a full bottle of them and still control myself like I have been. I believe I can do this though! I just know I can.... whether I have 12 or 60, I should still be able to have the same fight I have had all this week..... right? Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that anyway.

So anyway, I woke up today (I slept REALLY late.... I have been pretty worn out..... it takes a lot out of you to fight like this!! ) and the first thought on my mind was pills. My pain level? Today about a 7. Not great but not unbearable either. So I guess it was the addiction calling my name. I HATE addiction..... God I hate addiction!!! I'm sick of it ..... it doesn't have the right to control how I feel and think and consume me like this....All I want today is just a few pills.... it's ALL I want right now...... But I've made it to day 7 and haven't lost the fight yet..... so it would be dumb of me to give in NOW!! I have NEVER gone this long..... Sure, I was at Mercy for about a year and I wasn't using then..... but I didn't have a choice then....AND, I didn't have to deal with nearly the pain levels that I deal with now either..... THIS time, it's all MY choice.... this is MY fight..... I have chosen this...... no one has forced this one me!! That's what feels so good about it! I am the one who has chosen to allow God to team up with me and fight this addiction head on..... Ugh but my strength seems so low today...... I seem to be swinging back and forth between the thought "I am so proud of myself for doing this...." and then "I am just ready to give it up..... I will never win ..... addiction is way stronger than me.... I don't have a chance...." So to control my thinking instead of addiction controlling the way I think is definitely a challenge and it's wearing me out!! Completely wearing me out. I slept til almost 2 today!! I do feel rested, but I feel a migraine coming on..... grrr I can't win sometimes...... So anyway, that's my struggle for today..... please keep supporting me..... I really really need it right now.....

Breaking down walls, getting real with myself and others....

2010-04-08T06:12:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a few days..... Let me backtrack..... Easter weekend was beyond amazing. We found some really cool spots in the mountains and climbed rocks and hiked a bit.... And, I did the whole weekend without any pain pills!

Now about yesterday..... it was a VERY rough day to say the least. I'm almost a week into the fight with narcotics..... I don't have anymore pills right now for a few days..... BUT the fight not to doctor shop was beyond difficult. Yesterday, I was mad as hell at my addiction.... it doesn't have the right to put me through this!! My body is having a hard time not having any narcotics in it. A couple days ago I just knocked myself out all day... then the next day, I decided not to because that was my old way of dealing with not having any pills. I got up and spent a lot of time with Gracie and that helped some. But yesterday, nothing seemed to help. I was a very aggressive driver yesterday (that is NOT me at all) and I just drove like I was mad at the world. We went down to the beach last night and I thought that would help, but no not really. All I could really do was go to sleep for the night and pray for a better day today. The amazing thing, though, is that I did not doctor shop yesterday. I was too mad at my addiction to even give in for one day. I won't allow it to have anymore control over me...... no more.

What I have to be very careful of is that I don't replace this addiction with another, while only fooling myself. I am struggling very much so with my Eating Disorder. I am mad about that too. I completely recovered from my ED, so it doesn't have the right to come back into my life like this. I'm not sure what brought it on but I went two days without eating anything or drinking anything. The following day, I really felt it in my body and it didn't feel good at all. I knew my blood pressure was very low based on how I felt.... I took it today and it was 80/53. My heart rate is flipping out too. Part of this is because of the fact that I'm detoxing from narcotics. But part of it is because I'm very weak from not eating. So yesterday I was determined not to let ED back into my life. Well, he already came in but I'm kicking him out again. I did eat yesterday and I will make sure to do so again today. Besides, Gracie is fighting an Eating Disorder and I must practice what I preach and be an example to her. I totally lost sight of that for a couple of days. But I'm back on track with that.....

So all in all, I'm not doing too bad. I'm struggling for sure, but I knew this wasn't going to be easy by any means.... that's why it's a fight..... but like I said at the very beginning of my blog.... Every morning I ask myself "Is today the day that I will give up?" And the answer is always the same. "Not today."

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T11:09:00.000-04:00

Well, Happy Easter, everyone! Today is day three of my official journey of "pill rehab". I only got a couple hours of sleep. Gracie had a pretty rough night and I held her for most of it and tried to help get her through it. I just hope I made an impact and actually helped her to feel just a little bit safer through it. I was there for her, though, and was more than happy to do so, as I always will be.

I woke up and barely could move though as my lower back as well as my neck were a level 8/9 on my pain chart. I was pretty much in tears. So I took a couple of my pills. That's it for today. I won't take any more. We are going to get going pretty soon and go on a little trip. To celebrate Easter today, I wanted to go to a place where I love having some time with God. We are going to the mountains. I thought it would empower me a little bit more to go to a place where I have always seemed to find extra strength. There is something about being in the mountains and standing in awe of God's creation that empowers me. I am reminded of the incredible power of God when I am there. I live at the ocean so I occasionally use that too. I see the vastness of the water, the endless waves of beauty and awesomeness. And then I feel just a little bit closer to God. Well that's what being in the mountains does for me but on a whole other level. It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside so it's going to be a GREAT day for a drive. Going on a drive is another way that I grow closer to God. I use it as a way of spending time with Him and listening to my music which helps me too. So yea, this is going to be a great day and I am so thankful that Christ arose from the dead to give ME new life! It's only because of HIM that I can even think about beating this addiction and finding freedom.

Last night I really had some anxiety because even though I wasn't in huge amounts of pain (I was between a 4 and a 6 most of the day yesterday), I just had this uncontrollable urge to take pills. I'm not just addicted to narcotics; I am addicted to taking pills, period. So even though I was determined not to take any of my narcotic pain pills, it was definitely a struggle not to find pills around the house and just start taking them. Tylenol, motrin, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anything. I just wanted to start taking pills! I did take one motrin 800 to calm the pain a little bit and that was all I took! When my anxiety started getting really bad, that is when I wrote the letter to my addiction. I was NOT going to let my addiction win last night. And I actually got through the night w/o taking any of my narc pain pills and I didn't over-do it on anything else, either. I didn't take the motrin 800 b/c of the addiction. That was ONLY to calm the pain, because if it were the addiction, I would have taken several and combined it with other things. That is the very first time I have EVER had narc pain pills available to me and refused to take them. And on top of that, I didn't try to compensate with taking a bunch of other pills. I can't believe I did this. I just can't believe it. But I really did! I drew upon God's strength and the strength of those around me who are fighting for me and pulling for me. This is a milestone for sure. The first time in 10 years. Wow.

Today, I am definitely reminded of the power of God. He's alive and He lives in me. And the most awesome thing ever is that the very same power that arose Christ from the dead is the very same power that lives inside of ME!!! Hey, if that power can raise someone from the dead, of course it can conquer an addiction to pills!!! Satan is defeated. He wants me to lose this battle. He wants this addiction to completely take control back and take over my whole life again. Well I got news for him..... he done lost this battle. I will conquer and I will be free!!! As my sister says, freedom is worth fighting for. She couldn't be more right.

Well, it's time to get going and get on the road. I can't wait. It's so pretty outside today! It's going to be a great Easter!!!

A Letter to my addiction

2010-04-03T20:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Pill addiction,

I have finally come to the realization that you are no good for my life anymore. I'm finally ready. I have never been more ready to cut you out of my life. I am tired of the negative things that you do for me. I actually hate you. At one time, pills, you served a purpose. You helped my pain. But then you became very sneaky and conniving, cunning and downright deceitful. Somehow you sneaked into my soul and grabbed a hold of it and you haven't let go since. You ended up changing the way I thought, the way I did things, the way I felt, everything. You have controlled my life for so long and I'm tired of you. You're done.

As you know, these last two days, I have done something that I have never done in my life. I have some pain pills and I actually said no. I found the strength in me to refuse to take pills even when they were available and even when I was in pain. Yes, when my pain reached a level 10 (an honest level 10), I took a couple, but the fact that I didn't manipulate anyone or anything to try and take any pills earlier in the day before my pain honest to God reached a level I couldn't deal with on my own says I'm finally ready for this fight. Today, I haven't taken even one pill. They are in the Safe. All I would have to do is ask Larry to get me a pill by telling him I can't take the pain and he would get it for me but right now that would be a lie because my pain is only a level 6 right now so I don't NEED you!!!!! And for once I have the strength to say no. You are not going to win this fight. I have God on my side so you are already defeated. I'm on day 2 with this fight. Yea, I have expressed a desire to get rid of you a few times in the last few months but until I was ready it just wasn't going to happen. Well guess what, I'm ready now. Day 2 and I'm doing great. I now know that I don't NEED you. You are going to be cut out of my life completely here shortly. I'm going to fight the fight the way I'm doing it now for a little while, then I'm going to take another step. I'm doing this the way I know that I can win the fight. I don't know what it is, but something has happened in me and I have prayed and prayed over the last couple of days and I actually might not even need rehab. Between God, my support system and my own adrenaline and strength, I believe you don't even have a chance. I KNOW so. So many things I learned at Mercy have come back to me and God is doing something amazing in my heart. I am happy to tell you, Pill Addiction, that you are defeated...... DEFEATED!!! You got that? Seriously, I'm DONE with you. I'm angry that you took so much of my life and made it yours. You took it away from me and now I'm taking it back. I have someone to fight with now and God says "where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there....." Yep, God is in the middle of us and fighting with and for us. You don't stand a chance!!! I'm finally relying on God again and honestly, that is where you had me for all this time.... I simply didn't have the strength on my own to fight you... it was too much for me, but I turned back to God and He did something in my heart that I can't even express in words just yet, but I can tell you this.... You're done.... history..... no more. No more will you have control of me. No more will you control my thoughts. No more will you control my happiness. No more will you have ANY control of my life, PERIOD. You had my life before, but like I said I'm taking it back. It's mine now and God will see to it that you never again get the chance to take it back and do with it what you have done already. Never again will I listen to your lies. Never again will you stab me in the back. Never again will you come between me and the people I love. NEVER AGAIN. So I'll leave you with this. I'm just getting started, pill addiction. Tomorrow is day 3. I'm fighting and I'm conquering. BUT..... you haven't seen anything yet. My fight is only going to get stronger. Yesterday I only took a dose ONE time (and it was for PAIN only and not to please YOU, addiction). Today I haven't taken a single pill. As a guide for myself, I made a chart. It symbolizes my pain levels versus the actual addiction. Every time I have the urge to take a pill, I will refer to the chart. Depending on where I am on the chart (and I finally have enough fight in me to be HONEST), I will either refuse the pill if it's you calling my name, or I will take one if it's honest to God for a pain level that I can't deal with. As time goes on and I find alternative pain relief options, there will be more and more days between each time that I actually take a pill for the pain and by day 40, narcotic pills will no longer be a part of my life. NEVER AGAIN. So, just so you know..... the fight is on, Pill Addiction. Defeated you are and FREE I STAND!!!!

Family Given by God....

2010-04-03T06:56:00.000-04:00

I am married to Larry who is 15 years older than me. When I first met him a little over 2 years ago, he was like a father figure to me. I grew very close to him and we did everything together. I had never enjoyed being with someone so much as I did with him. In time, I grew up a whole lot and realized my relationship with him was changing. We were growing closer and closer .... it was like I was getting older and he was getting younger and eventually we realized we were soul mates. We decided to get married and we did just that on November 6, 2009. I gradually revealed to those in my life what I was doing and some were very happy for me. Some were not as understanding but I didn't really expect understanding from everyone because I realize I am unique and I don't fit into any mold. Because of several traumatic experiences in my life, I knew I would never desire a physically intimate relationship with a man, but I did want the closeness, the companionship, the togetherness, and everything else that comes with a marriage. I felt "gipped" for the longest time because I thought I would lose out if I didn't just force myself to "like" sex. That is, until God brought Larry into my life. Our relationship is very close, emotionally intimate. It is nothing more, nothing less. And I couldn't be happier. I am finally learning I can be "me" and it's ok now!

My family dynamics aren't the everyday American family dynamics. That's just the way it is but it is what I am happy with. I am happier than I have ever been and have finally found the strength from God, from within and from those around me to push forward and work through my past --which has for so long had such a stronghold on me that I just couldn't let go. God has brought just the right people into my life and He has me where He wants me and where I need to be. For the first time, I am making huge strides and making changes I though I'd never make. For the first time in ten years, I have the desire to live life to the fullest, and in order to do so, I have to kick this drug addiction once and for all.... I have for so long wanted to do so, but just didn't have the fight in me to do it. Because of where God has me and the people He has surrounded me with and with whom I have created a family, I have it in me to fight. And that's just what I'm doing.

Larry has a 19 year old daughter to whom I am very close. Because of our age difference, we are more like sisters than me a step-mother to her, but I like it the way it is. I love her to death and don't know what I'd do without her.

"Keagen" lived with us for about a year and then moved on to other things and she pretty much had to find herself out in the world. She is 19 now and learning a lot about a lot of things. Currently she is in a treatment center for Eating Disorders. I am more than proud of her for the strides she has taken and the progress she has made. It is only her 2nd week in treatment and I've already seen her grow so much.

Gracie is the new "addition" to our family! Larry is going to adopt her next month. We have looked into adult adoptions and I think it's pretty amazing that you can even do such a thing. She has never had a family. She is 23 and like I said in my last post, she, like "Keagen" is like another little sister to me. She and I have formed a bond like I have never had with any one else in my life, however. God has definitely allowed us to cross paths for a reason. We fight together and as we grow in faith, God gives us what we need to help each other fight. I've seen Gracie grow in faith faster than I have ever seen anyone grow. It's amazing to watch and it empowers me to move forward and fight for freedom. I WANT to be free finally, and I know that because of all God has done for me, I CAN be. As far as Gracie, when I first met her, I asked her where she stood in her faith and because of unspeakable experiences in her childhood, the idea of a relationship with God was a bit more than she could imagine. I understood completely. I am a Christian, but I am no Bible thumper. I am not one to push religion down anyone's throat. In fact, I don't even like the word "religion" and I told her that. I am NOT religious by any means. I simply have a relationship with God. I don't preach either. I simply share. I told her that, too. I let her know that I would never shove the Bible down her throat or tell her she was a horrible person because of anything she had done. I told her I wouldn't PUSH my faith on her but that I also would not apologize for my faith. She was very respectful of that. That night, I prayed and asked God how I could help her. His answer : Lead by example. So, that's what I am trying to do. I don't ever want to come across as someone who thinks I am better than anyone else because I try to live a certain way or because I am a Christian. Far from it. I am far from perfect.... I told her that.... but that's WHY I need God!!

Tonight, I prayed again and asked God.... "Help me to share more of my faith with her. Help me to share something with her that will help her to realize she does need You and that if we are to beat these addictions, we are going to have to rely on Your strength. Because afterall, YOU are on OUR side!!! I was lying in bed with the music playing on one of the music channels on TV. Lately that has helped me to fall asleep at night. And this song came up that I had never heard before. I lied there and listened and it was God!!! He sent this song to me to send along to her...... Here are the lyrics:

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

I will continue to blog about where God has me after I get some sleep......

Dealing with Reality

2010-03-27T23:39:00.000-04:00

I know that I need to blog more often. It is a good outlet and so often, I just hide in the dark, in bed, in my sleep. This drug addiction is killing me inside.
Let me preface this post by saying things around me have changed even a lot MORE since my last post. We had Jess and Gracie who moved in and it was great having the two girls around..... then we all realized that Jess just wasn't who she said she was. She lied about everyone to everyone and she turned out to be nothing but an "issue copycat" that just wanted attention and sympathy. It was heartbreaking for us all. But the situation now is this: I am making a lot of changes in my own life and have been empowered beyond belief lately to fight my drug addiction. Gracie still lives with us and God brought her to us at just the right time. I will talk about her and the situation there in another post because I want to blog about how my life has changed as a result of her and I crossing paths the way we have.
I'm on the verge of relapse to my eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia) and I'm fighting that with all that I have. I'm strong in a lot of areas (and am just older so a little wiser in some ways) where Gracie isn't and I help her there..... she is strong in a lot of ways where I am not and I get support from her there. However, between Keagen fighting her ED in a treatment center and Gracie fighting her demons here..... I've gained more strength towards fighting my drug addiction. I HATE this addiction. I'm tired of living like I live. I'm tired of hiding and not having any life at all. Right now, I want to purge all my emotions onto my computer screen and uh, the words just aren't there. I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, paralyzed by the fear of living a life without drugs. I'm going to go to a rehab center very soon. We are scheduled to go to Disney World in the beginning of April so right after that, I'm going to rehab. I am excited to go but scared to death.
P.S. I'm very sorry to those who I haven't kept in touch with.... Barbara, I still pray for your boys..... I know their pain. I do..... omg, I do. The pain is so real and I can only imagine your pain. Thanks, everyone, for your support.... keep onto me about going to rehab..... I cannot back out..... it will end my life if I do......Gracie said something to me the other day that stuck with me.... I was talking about how I could meet her needs and she said one thing I need to do is to get clean cuz it would tear her world apart if anything happened to me. That hits home. I really want to get clean.....
Please God help me.....

Suffering in Silence

2010-03-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

I am forcing myself to blog today. It's been a couple weeks at least. A lot of things have changed around here. It's actually pretty good. I have a friend living here who needs help and then I met a girl through her and have become friends w/ her pretty quickly. Jess and Gracie are their names. I love them both and see so much strength in them that it has actually given me what I needed to finally decide to fight this god-awful addiction that I deal with 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I listened to a song yesterday that really choked me up. It's a song I used to listen to for hours on end....Cry out to Jesus by Third Day. There is a line in there about addictions and the guilt and shame and chains. Gosh, it hits it right on the head. Um, is that how you say that? Yea, you know what I mean. I'm suffering inside.... really suffering and I'm trying to do it in silence. At least I have been. I sleep a lot of the time. A LOT of the time. To the point where I have been abusing Benadryl.... yes BENADRYL.... this is getting bad because the overdosing on Benadryl has affected me already.... I think I may have had minor seizures... I'm not sure, but something happened last week and it wasn't anything I was taking before I started taking benadryl.
Anyway, this is the plan. We are going to Disney (yes, again YAY!) Oh, and this is a big dream of Jess and Gracie.... and Im so excited to be able to do this for them... they deserve it.... big time. So anyway, back to my plan. I plan on going to rehab (it's a place called Bradford and it's in Alabama... but thanks to Tricare my options have been pretty limited.... but this seems to be an alright place.... never know til ya try!) right after Disney.... immediately after Disney.

This is the situation. For those who don't know everything, I started dabbling in pain pills in December of 1999 when I had my first bout with kidney stones. At that point, I realized "wow I can get high from a pill a dr gives me" but after months of doing it, I realized I was addicted and I came off of them when a great military family took me in and nursed me back to health (mind you, I was also battling a severe eating disorder and weighing only 89 lbs at the time) and helped me get a job and get back on my feet. But in 2001, my world was turned upside down when I broke my neck and soonafter, ruptured a disc in my neck. 2 years later, I ruptured another disc and have been dealing with chronic pain ever since. That same year, I lost my dad to alcoholism and my will to fight became pretty much non-existent. I don't know how I existed that year... that's ALL i did was exist and pop pills. I have also had multiple other surgeries (knee, gall bladder, you name it). So I have had my share of pain pills over the years and have been guilty of doctor shopping and prescription fraud and all that. Like I said in another post, I have overcome an addiction to crack, have beat an eating disorder and yet, these pills have a hold on me like no other I have ever experienced. I have been in pain management since June of 2008. Then I was in a horrible car accident in Feb of 2009. Things only got worse. My husband deals with chronic pain too because of an old injury from when he was in the Navy. So you can see where this is going, I'm sure.... (if you're as insightful as I am... haha). He got into pain management back in October. Anyway, let me back up a second.... we were getting ready to go on a LONG road trip to Louisville to surprise my lil sister and then up to Chicago and we had planned on seeing other friends from my hometown but that didn't pan out like I wanted it to. I wasn't real happy about that, but life happens. I was happy to see my oldest friend though (not old as in old but yea, Heidi, we ARE getting old you know, haha.... no, old as in the longest anyone has remained friends with me.... Heidi, you get the prize.... you have no idea what you have added to my life.... no idea... maybe I should tell you more.... ) but anyway.... I was waiting for my monthly Rx of pain meds before we could leave on our trip.... so the morning I was scheduled to get them... I get a call from the Nurse.... I thought.... ok cool my meds are ready we can go now..... instead I get the shock of a lifetime... they put my name into the Virginia Narcotics Monitoring System..... wow... big oops. They had a record of absolutely every Rx I had gotten from the time I started pain mgmt. Of course no addict can actually allow the amount of pain meds they are given to last a whole month, so I did what any addict will do and I dr shopped. No, I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying that's what we addicts do and I'm ashamed of it. But I'm trying to face up to it. I really am. It's killing me inside like no addiction has ever done. So anyway, I got kicked out. Big surprise there. Ok not. So anyway, like I was saying my husband was in pain management until I got him to get me pain meds (don't blame him... he has been between a rock and a hard place because he hates to see me in pain but he hates to see me deal with addiction too.) So yea, he got a letter a few days ago that said he was being discharged from the practice for getting multiple Rx's from other doctors. Big surprise there. We have a total of another month's worth of pain meds and I've pretty much burned all my bridges in Hampton Roads so it's time. It is simply time to face up to this and deal with it head on. I finally broke down this morning over it. I could get more pain meds today from my foot doctor (I just had foot surgery about a month ago) because he is the most naive doctor on the face of the earth. No lie, I outright walked into his office and straight up ASKED for a narcotic by name, strength and dosage. Roxy 30's 4 times a day I told him.... and he said ok and wrote the script... .I was like, are you kidding... I wonder how many other addictions you have facilitated. Yea, I know.... I have to take responsibility but some drs are just plain dumb. Anyway SIX weeks after my foot surgery, he is STILL giving me Roxy 30's. I am sure that will only last for so long, but I am astounded it has lasted THIS long. Basically I have some meds to get me through Disney and then we are out and I'm ready. I'm tired..... really tired. Emotionally.... I cannot suffer in silence anymore..... I need y'all's support. I really do. I started preparing myself for this a couple months ago..... and I haven't meant to lead anyone on.... I'm sure if you haven't experienced addiction, you expected this to be done and over by now....not me having not even begun a rehab yet.... there is just a lot emotionally that I have to deal with before I can take that on.... because this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.... and I don't say that flippantly ...... i'm done suffering in silence.

Miracle or Coincidence?

2010-02-03T06:37:00.001-05:00

This morning, I just wanted to share an article I published in Guideposts a few years ago. I hope you enjoy.

I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately. It's been seven years ago this month that I lost him to alcoholism. One thing I learned that morning was that the pain of death is a pain like no other. At this point in my life, I was already at rock bottom as I was hopelessly addicted to pain pills, having broken my neck only a year prior and wanted to just die. Well apparently you can go lower than rock bottom. I somehow managed to. I learned one more thing that week in February 2003. God ALWAYS meets us where we are and if you're lower than rock bottom, He'll meet you there too!

So, here's my story....

I was living in Dallas at the time and was miserable as miserable could be. I was so mad at God already. He had taken enough from me and now He was going to take my dad too? I don't even know how I existed for those few months that my dad was in and out of the hospital dying from the very thing that was killing me inside--addiction. I had completely lost my faith in God and eventually, I told God that if He took my dad, I was going to "go" too and that was exactly my plan. I bought a plane ticket to Phoenix for something like 2 weeks later. But then a couple days later, I got a phone call from the hospital saying that my dad was in a coma and was not expected to live much longer. I packed my stuff immediately and hit the road. I was going to go through with my plan but I was going to go see my dad first so I got on the road about 10 pm on a Friday night. Driving through darkness, literally and spiritually, I cried out to God. I told Him I was sorry for having lost my faith in Him and begged Him to keep my dad here long enough for me to see him first.

About 3 a.m. in the middle of nowhere, Texas, I was on the phone with a friend who was trying to keep me awake when all of the sudden, I hit something HUGE in the road. I screamed in fear! I got off the phone, pulled over, got out and realized I had hit a coyote. My front end was steaming pretty good. I was terrified! I had NO idea where I was. I began crying and begging God to help me. I decided that He was pretty much all I had to hang onto at this point. (Maybe that was His plan?) I finally got it together enough to call 911 who directed me to the police dept in the area where I was located. I had a hard time telling them where I was b/c all I knew was I was on a dark highway in the middle of nowhere. God knew where I was though and eventually two policemen showed up behind me. Those blue lights had never been so reassuring in my life!

I was so scared! I had NO money. I was all alone. How would my car get fixed? Where would I stay? WHO would take care of me???? Would I ever see my dad again???

The policeman asked me where I was going and tried to calm me down enough for me to explain my situation. He told me not to worry and that he would see to it that I was safe. That made me feel a little better, but what about my dad?? Would I see him again??? I thought I was having a nervous breakdown at this point. The one policeman sat with me and tried to calm me as the other policeman was on the phone with a tow company. He came back a few minutes later and said someone was on the way to tow my car and that the police dept would put me up in a hotel while my car got fixed. The guy from the tow truck company got there soonafter and after finding out my situation, that my dad was dying and I was trying to get there before he died, he said he'd fix my car himself the next morning (even though his shop wasn't open on weekends) and he would have me back on the road asap. The next morning, he called me at my hotel room and said he would have to go to Abilene, which was 3 hours away, to get the part needed for my car and that he was on his way. I couldnt' believe this guy was doing all of this for me. He said he was only going to charge me for the parts themselves which actually wasn't much compared to what it would have been with labor costs.

About 10 hours later, my car was fixed. He called me and said he was on his way to the hotel to pick me up. I was back on the road by 9 pm Saturday night. I was in Phoenix by 6 a.m. or so Sunday morning. I rushed to the hospital and saw my dad in the coma. I cried to him, talked to him, told him all about the mishaps of my trip, and told him I wasn't ready for him to go but that I was glad he waited for me at least. At this point, I had had just a few hours of sleep since Friday but I needed to stay by his side all day on Sunday. Finally that night it hit me though. I needed sleep. About 10:00 that night, my little brother (15 at the time) stood on one side of him holding his hand, and I stood on the other side, and we prayed to God that He would give us one more chance to communicate with our daddy. That night before I went to sleep, I cried out to God like I hadn't done in a very long time. It wasn't until that moment, too, that I realized God had sent those two policemen to me as well as the towtruck/mechanic guy. Coincidence? I hardly think so! I asked His forgiveness for losing faith in Him and thanked Him for coming through for me even though I had pretty much abandoned Him. Not two seconds thereafter, I then fell asleep.

Around 6 a.m. the next morning, I got a call from the hospital saying that my dad was awake, moving, and talking! The doctor got on the phone with me and said medically my dad should not be awake and they couldn't explain it but that I'd better get up there and see him. So I jumped out of bed, went and took my little brother out of school and rushed to the hospital. Yes, my dad was communicating. He was talking with what little strength he had left, and he was sitting up. It was really amazing. I looked up and I said "Thanks, God." Westley (my little brother) and I looked at each other and knew God had heard and answered our prayer from the night before. As the day went on, we reminisced about good times, laughed together and cried together. But as time passed, his strength became less and less. I'll never forget the kiss that he struggled so hard to blow my way as I left the room for a minute. I couldn't stand to leave his side that night, but my own strength was fading as well (mind you, I was still heavily addicted to narcotics and ate absolutely nothing, weighing only 98 lbs at the time) so I had to get some sleep. Around 7 the next morning, the hospital called again and said my dad had taken a turn for the worse in the middle of the night. Again I rushed to the hospital with Westley and my dad was back in a coma. He took his last breath at 8:20 that morning.

I would never have spoken with my dad again had it not been for God sending just the right ppl into my life that night. At best, had I gone with any other mechanic, I would have gotten to Phoenix on Tuesday night or Wednesday and my dad died Tuesday morning.

Miracle or Coincidence?

I'd say it was a MIRACLE that saved my life because it kept me from going through with my plan to end my life with all those pills. Yes, God always meets us where we are. He met me in the middle of the night at 3 in the morning in the middle of nowhere, Texas on a dark and scary highway. It led me to reach out to God for help and that's exactly what I did. And, as such, I have conquered countless demons in my life that undoubtedly had me defeated prior. Currently, I'm up against probably the fiercest battle I've ever fought, but one thing I do know: God is much bigger than any battle or war any of us could imagine fighting and the cool thing is, He's on MY side!

Not Today

2010-02-02T07:54:00.000-05:00

Everyday I wake up and I ask myself, "is this the day when I will finally give up? And the answer has been the same ever since I started asking myself the question. Not today" Not today.

Ever? Will I ever give up? Apparently it's not in me to just quit. Nah, I've been through too much to quit now. But what next? I can't live with this god-forsaken addiction anymore. Something has to give. I sit up at night and watch the clock from 2 a.m. til I pass out sometimes around 7 or 8 a.m. It's miserable and it's lonely. I have laid in bed for several days at a time until my back could no longer take being plastered to a mattress. So I'd get up and walk around the house, trying to make myself useful for a day or so until my back recovered and then I'd lay in bed for another few days. It's no way to live, really. I just exist from day to day with no real purpose. I lie alone with my thoughts everyday and what goes on inside my head on a day to day basis is enough to drive anyone insane. I'm surprised I'm not there, yet. Even simple daily living skills are huge chores to me anymore.

So, what's it going to take? Have I not hit rock bottom yet? I once beat an addiction to crack, but that was only a 6 to 8 month ordeal. Now talk about rock bottom. That was it, definitely. Homeless, living on the streets, doing everything that goes against my moral values just to get my drug each day. I'll revisit that year in another blog post. I've beaten an eating disorder addiction. That was about a 5 year battle but I did it. I overcame. But when narcotic pain killers got a hold of my life, they took all control away from me. I have no control over my life. I've lost it, completely. These pills are the devil yet they are my best friend. What is it about them that I can't seem to let go? Part of it is the pain I experience from day to day, but most of it is not. Most of it is a psychological addiction that I just can't seem to conquer. I simply don't know how to live life without these pills. They don't even give me the pleasure of making me high anymore. So it's not that. What the hell is the problem then? I can't seem to pinpoint it. YET. I am determined though. I will find the trigger and I will kill it with every everlasting bit of rage I have in me. It will NOT survive once I find it. So tomorrow.... I will ask myself again....

"Is today the day for me to give up? Um..... I might think for a minute.... but the answer will still be the same. Not today. Not today."