Horrible ER experience.... more pain.... will it ever end?

Last Thursday I ended up in the ER again with unbearable pain in my side..... it was again a kidney stone I was having a hard time passing. It took a total of 7 mg of IV Dilaudid to even touch the pain..... apparently, I have a severe UTI as well that I found out about that same day from a follow up nurse from a previous ER I had been to a couple weeks earlier... I had a Dr. tell me that with the amount of infection in my body (UTI that has obviously been there for quite some time, possibly caused by all the kidney stones I've had lately, the GYN infections I've been fighting to get rid of, and the UTI infection having moved into my kidneys themselves) it's amazing I'm still walking around. And the kidney stones on top of all of this infection has just really made it a fight to get through the day so often lately. I'm slowly but surely fighting off these infections but still having to deal with whatever is wrong with my liver and spleen. I'll find out more about that when I get home from Florida. So that's just an update on things......

I had taken a road trip to see a Spine Specialist that I've been seeing in Florida. It was a hard trip to say the least. We left on Saturday to make it to a Monday appointment. It's a doctor I have found that is not only treating my pain but searching for solutions as well. I can't find such a doctor in Virginia anymore because of my past addiction history. No one will any longer treat my pain in Virginia. So I searched out spine specialists who specialized in pain, SOLUTIONS to the pain, and addiction all in one. Anyway, so I'm back on pain medicine a little more regularly now again. BUT I have absolutely amazed and shocked myself with how well I've done with these pain meds. For instance, I took something when I woke up yesterday, then did probably more than I was physically capable of doing (cleaning a house from top to bottom almost, as a thank you to the friend with whom I'm staying for 2 weeks while I get my health a little more under control in order for me to make the trip back to Virginia, and then I injured myself playing with the dog and his dumb rope). Well, I just tried to bear the pain for awhile, took some motrin and no relief. So I did the whole tiger balm thing and used my new spinal stimulator that I got from the new spine doctor for several hours. All the while, I have pretty effective pain meds (Roxy's) sitting on the counter. Then I finally, after a pretty emotionally stressful night, got to bed around 1 a.m. and actually fell asleep but the pain kept waking me up along with nightmares. One particular recurring nightmare. Not until about 3:30 a.m. did I finally give in and take some pain meds. I have never in my life been able to do that. I am progressing more and more all the time with my addiction and it feels so good.

But what I really sat down to blog about is my ER experience last Thursday. It was probably one of the worst ER visits I have ever had. I can't get over how poorly someone can be treated in a hospital. Aren't these people supposed to be there to help people? Seriously, I have met some of the most unhappy people in the health profession. They HAVE to be unhappy to treat someone the way I was treated that night. That one particular nightmare to which I referred a minute ago was about this ER visit. Well I was incredibly upset from the pain and just all the emotional energy it takes to deal with the insomnia from pain and the pain itself. A lot of you know I have a pretty traumatic past and there are just some things that are hard for me to deal with even present day, such as taking my pants off in a hospital, hearing sirens (I'm much better at dealing with sirens these days), and riding in an ambulance. Well, the CT guy in the ER was ridiculously rude to me when I had a hard time laying still for the test. I wanted to give HIM a flippen kidney stone and tell him to lay still on a table that's hard as a rock. I wanted to punch him in the face is what I really wanted to do. Anyway, I finally got done with the CT and there is just no way to make this long story short. So I'm just going to skip most of it and get right to what has me so upset. For those who don't know, I was shot and gang-raped 13 years ago. I'm not seeking sympathy; just giving a little background. I have dealt with this for the most part. But the part I struggle with so much still is occasionally when I hear sirens and mostly, having to ride in an ambulance. Well, the doctor, after already upsetting me with his horrible bedside manner and his non-gentle way of examining me, etc., he told me that because I was unable to lie still for the CT, they were going to have to admit me. What is so ironic is that I had been trying to get admitted to a hospital in Virginia, or even North Carolina, somewhere near home, so they could figure out what was wrong with me and fix it once and for all; all to no avail. So I get to Florida where, after my doctor appointment, I was only going to be staying with my friend for a couple days, and they want to admit me. I was all for it until the doctor told me I would have to ride in an ambulance to be transferred to another hospital since this was a stand alone ER I was in. I asked if I could be transferred over there by my friend who was there with me. They wouldn't allow it. I was stuck. I didn't even have a CHOICE in the matter about being admitted now, after trying so hard to be admitted to no avail closer to home! When I got upset about having to ride in an ambulance, the doctor said if I didn't calm down with the crying, he would have me involuntarily committed to a PSYCH ward!!!! I was beyond offended and even traumatized by the incident. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until I had the recurring nightmare tonight about the whole experience. I have been beside myself most of the night, not only in physical pain, but also emotional pain from the way I was treated that night. So I finally decided to get up and blog. I'm hoping that I can now let the whole thing go and remember that neither he nor does any other rude health professional have the right to hurt me anymore. I have a choice in the matter. I don't have to let him continue to hurt me anymore.

Pain is getting worse.... now I'm just scared.

Ok, so last night has been the absolute worst night of pain I have had in a very long time. My pain meds didn't even touch the pain. Lately, it has been causing more pain when I eat. So anyway, I was absolutely starving after my dr's appt yesterday. I decided to try some vegetable soup. I swear that was the worst mistake of my life! I was doubled over in pain for a good 6 hours after I ate. Now I'm scared to death to eat ANYthing at all! NOT what I need. I have lost 6 lbs in one week. That doesn't do much for my eating disorder, either. But I refuse to relapse on that one. I'm scared. I'm actually downright scared now! I had a CT w/ contrast last week to further test the cysts/lesions found on my liver and spleen. When I took the report to my GI doctor today, she explained it to me and I don't think I've ever teared up so fast in my life. She basically said she was concerned about malignancy in either my liver, spleen, or lung (apparently, I have something on my right lung that is concerning to my dr.). She is sending me for an MRI of my abdomen and an MRCP..... whatever that is. All I know is I HURT and I'M SCARED.

Shaken Faith

Well, I've probably visited 5 doctors since I last posted. Sometimes it seems as if I'm getting answers and sometimes it feels like I'm getting nowhere. So frustrating! Tomorrow I have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. At least I get to be put under for this. Fun fun. I do have to admit that lately, my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I'm wondering where God is in all of this. I finally found an awesome Family Doctor though. She is amazing. She didn't judge me one bit about my history with narcotics. She was very supportive, in fact. I asked her if it's possible that all this pain could be just all in my head. She said it's not that it would be all in my head, but PTSD could exacerbate abdominal pain. She wants me to be seeing a counselor asap. So I'm going to be going back to therapy it looks like, but it definitely can't hurt. I have so many issues to deal with that I just ignored for several years because I was able to hide behind pills. I can't do that anymore. Even though I'm taking the pills again occasionally, I do NOT use them to self-medicate. But my addiction is beginning to scream at me big time. It is yelling at me to go back to it altogether. It's a dangerous war zone inside my head right now. But one thing I know is this; I'm getting ready to hit a downward spiral pretty quick and I'm fighting with everything in me not to.

More Challenges....

I couldn't sleep so I came downstairs to upload some photos I took today and to blog, but that was 2 hours ago. I got a little sidetracked when I realized someone was trying to scam me, yet again. It's a good thing I have an eye for non-professionalism and incorrect grammar/punctuation. That's how I spot "imitation emails" and separate them from the authentic ones. If I couldn't do that, this eBay business of mine would go downhill pretty fast! It amazes me how so many people are so quick to take advantage of someone w/ no conscience whatsoever.
Anyway, I guess it's time I blog again. It's been a month. There are 2 things in life that I truly despise and they are addiction and pain, both of which I have plenty. Since about a month ago, I started having all this pain in my stomach and both sides, front and back. It started with a kidney stone. They are so painful! Well, I finally passed that stone, and that pain was gone, but I stayed in pain. It was just a different kind of pain and it was in several areas of my torso now. Why do I have to be such a complicated person? I don't try to be, really! But it seems it always takes so long for doctors to figure out what's wrong with me. Well, after 3 ER visits and 3 different specialists, and several tests, they finally discovered I have bilateral ovarian cysts with a bad infection, and liver cysts, and also a lot of scarred tissue from when I had Gall Bladder surgery. That explains the pain being in several different spots in my abdomen and back. So to start off with, I'm on a heavy dose of antibiotics for the infection. Depending on what my pain does after that, surgery may be needed.
So needless to say, I'm on pain medication again, but not full time. I have actually surprised myself and have only taken pain meds when the pain has just gotten to be too much. My doctor knows I'm an addict and has been very supportive. By the way, that has been really hard to find. I am red-flagged in the Virginia Narcotics Monitoring Program (any doctor can look me up real quick and see that I have a history of narcotics abuse) so it makes it hard to get good medical treatment without being blown off. Gracy and my husband both have pretty much had it out with a couple of different doctors because when they saw my prescription history, they immediately judged me and provided very little medical treatment, blowing me off. It wasn't even just that they refused to help my pain; it was the fact that they assumed I was drug seeking and did very little to find the problem. I understand that I have brought some of this on myself, but I don't deserve the treatment that I have received from some doctors, either. The last time I went to the ER, I even said to the doctor up front "If you look me up in the system, you will clearly see that I have a history with narcotics. I have chronic pain and therefore have gotten addicted in the past. I'm not here for pain meds; I'm here for pain RELIEF which means I want you to find the problem so it can be fixed and I'm not left needing and/or wanting pain meds." I was STILL told I was drug seeking!! WHY would I state all of that up front if I were drug seeking? I was about ready to quit altogether after that. I know that ER doctors see a lot of people who are simply drug seeking and nothing else, and I know I have at times been one of those people. It sucks how our past can so easily come to haunt us. It doesn't make recovery any easier; that's for sure. But honestly, if I were a doctor and I really believed someone was drug seeking, instead of judging him/her, I would offer to get him/her help for addiction or something. I don't know, I just know I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone when I don't know his/her situation.
Anyway, it has been a real struggle for me to need pain medication as often as I have in the past month. I haven't abused pills or anything, and I'm not taking them often enough to get addicted again, but yesterday, I struggled pretty hard in being consumed with taking a pill when my pain level was below a 5. On the 1-10 scale, my average daily pain level is usually around a 4 or 5 and I have learned to push through that most of the time w/o anything. It's usually only about two or three times a week that it goes above a 5 and I began taking pain meds again back in October for anything that reached a 6 or higher. I have done really well with that and I'm very proud of that. I never thought I could do it. I struggled with the decision to go back to the pain meds because I feared a relapse. But I also feared being debilitated for a third of each week of the rest of my life. I feared losing a third of my life to pain. Being determined for this not to happen, I decided to try to only take pain meds when absolutely necessary to function. And so far, I have successfully done so. But since I started having all these problems in my abdomen, I am taking them more often that I would like to be, although not everyday as to not become physically dependent on/addicted to them again. So like I said, I really struggled yesterday with being consumed by taking a pill. It was only when I was driving and not occupied with something else. Gracy and I found a really cool park yesterday and spent a lot of time there and I had a great time. I didn't think about taking a pill at all while I was there. But when I was driving (which is when I do most of my "thinking"), it was all I could think about. But my pain level wasn't too bad so I know it was my addiction screaming at me. So I'm back in another battle with my addiction. I want everyone to know, though, that in the end, I didn't end up taking anything. I fought it to the end of the day and yes, I won. But this is just a reminder that I'm not out of the woods with my addiction. It will always be there, but until some miraculous cure is found to all the pain I deal with, pain meds are simply necessary for me occasionally if I want any quality of life. I just have to be on guard at all times. Yesterday, I was on guard and I didn't allow my addiction to win and get the best of me. I refuse to even go down that road again. So starting this week, I'm going to take pain meds a maximum of three or four times a week until my stomach problems are completely figured out and fixed, then back to a max of 2 times a week for my neck/back problems.
I would really like to know why God allows me to have so much physical pain when I'm battling a fierce addiction to pain killers. It's so tiring and frustrating. I have cried more tears in the past month than I have in a really long time. I have learned to push through a lot of pain, but this constant pain with very few breaks..... I struggle to deal with it! It's relentless! The pain tries and tries to wear me down and eventually, it does. And just when I think I want to quit, I find strength out of nowhere to push just a little longer.
That's it for now..... I'm going to work on blogging a little more often, because not only does it help but then maybe I can make my posts a little shorter too!

3rd Night of Insomnia

Wow 2 months w/o a post!  I appreciate all the support I can get and I know I get a lot from my blog b/c there are fellow addicts I may never meet that can so relate to where I am, where I have been, and many who have a lot of hope to offer because you are further down the road of recovery than myself. So here goes.....

It's been a hard few months to say the least. I fell into a pretty deep black hole, dug out of it somehow and landed right back in it again not too soon after. I'm now digging out of it once again. I had somehow managed to make it to about 142 days sober. And let me clarify, when I say sober, I mean w/o ABUSING drugs of any kind. I had actually made it 100 days w/o using a narcotic of any kind at all, but then I did a REALLY stupid thing and went whitewater rafting and have had a new lower back (sciatic nerve) problem in addition to the chronic cervical spine problems I deal with ever since. I tried and GOD KNOWS I tried to make it w/o a pain pill of any sort, but a person can only take so much. So I do *occasionally* get something for the pain, but it is very controlled and the really cool thing was that my tolerance to the pain meds dropped quite a bit more than I had ever expected it would. However, that also led to my downfall.

This is a really hard time of year for me anyway because I'm naturally in more pain during the colder months (physical) but I also deal with more depression and some years are harder than others, but this year has been for some reason tremendously hard for me in missing my dad. He died from alcoholism a few years ago and it seems just like yesterday sometimes. I think this year it might be so much harder because I so BADLY want to talk to my dad about my pain and the addiction combination because he would understand more than anyone I know, as he had his own addiction to pain killers and lived in chronic pain from 2 hip replacements at a very early age. People say you can still talk to him, blah blah blah..... but I sometimes wonder if it's something people say to try and make you feel better. I wonder if he can really hear me. I don't know and I don't pretend to understand that whole side to life and death. I do believe he is with Jesus and I'm happy he isn't suffering anymore but God do I miss him!!!!! It's during this month and next that I watched him live his last 2 months in and out of a hospital w/ very little hope of survival. The thing is, he had quit drinking almost 8 months before he even got so sick enough to be put in the hospital and I thought my dad would be one of those recovering alcoholics that would have so much hope to share w/ other addicts/alcoholics. My heart hurts and aches like no other ache.... there just isn't any other like it! Although, I haven't had to bear losing a child and I can't even imagine what that would be like and I hope to never have to, but losing a parent at only age 24 isn't too easy either. I'm 32 now and I need him now more than ever!

You might say if I'm so "spiritual" why not just talk to God about it and be at peace with it? It's not just that easy, really. Of course, I talk to God about it and I know He hears me of course! But sometimes, it doesn't exactly dull that ache that I'm talking about and I need it to! So that's where I'm at. I went out and sang karaoke the other night. It's one of my favorite stress relievers. I absolutely love to do it and it makes me feel closer to my dad in a way because although I will NEVER be as talented as he was musically, I do have it in me a little bit, especially on instruments, but I sometimes sing for my dad and it brings me comfort. That's just what I needed the other night and it really helped, but I can't afford to do it all the time so I do it when I can.

Onto something else, I am having these constant headaches and I just want to flippen scream sometimes. By the way, I didn't mention that my relapse was very short-lived (about 4 days b/c I got ahold of some narcs w/o giving over the control of them to my husband as I should have) but I wonder if I was set on a relapse somehow. I wonder if I felt like such a failure, even w/ all that I had accomplished thus far regarding recovery, but because I could NOT pull myself out of this black hole, I felt useless and I just wanted the pain to go away. I honestly don't know, to be honest because I barely even remember getting them to begin with and I don't remember abusing them at all, but I do know that I did because I did things VERY out of character for myself during this time, as I was told. It makes me feel like I am literally losing my mind because I remember NONE of it, including GETTING the narcs and getting them filled or anything! Yea, I'm ashamed and feel like a total screw up for all of it but I quickly bounced back and although I will still occasionally have to use a LIMITED amount of pain pills (I've tried, I can't get around it.... I really am in too much physical pain that my physical activity is almost down to nothing anymore) And honestly, I've asked myself over and over "is this just an excuse to use pills for the emotional pain? It's something I honestly answer to God for everytime I take A pill..... yes, A pill.... not 7, 8, 10 pills at a time like it was before...... and I push myself far before I will require something. So I really have done great with recovery aside from those 4 days of I don't know WHAT the heck happened to me.... I prefer to pretend it didn't happen but I can't. It did and I hate that it did but I have to forgive myself and move on. God has.

So there ya have it..... that's where I REALLY am..... and that's how I'm REALLY doing...... now i'm hoping that since I've blogged and gotten all of this off my chest that maybe God will give me THREE hours of sleep before I have to be up? Seriously, these insomniac phases never turn out well for me emotionally..... going on 50 hours now..... grrr

This and That

So it's been about 3 weeks since I've blogged. The truth is, I've been in a fog and a severe depression for the past 3 weeks or so. I simply haven't wanted to face reality, period. Right now, reality sucks. I want no part of it. What I DO want is drugs. What I DO want is to make the past go away. What I DO want is to live a "normal" life and not to feel like I have to "pretend" everything is okay when it's just simply NOT! I'm tired of the fact that I can tell someone something til I'm blue in the face (the truth) when the simple fact of it is that people are going to believe what they want or choose to believe. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong for everyone else when the truth is I can't even be strong for myself right now. I'm hanging on by a thread and not too much longer and that thread's going to break. Am I smart enough to know that I should hurry and hang onto something else other than the thread that's about to break before people lose me altogether? Sure, I am..... do I have the emotional strength to do so? That's a different story. I don't know right now. I just don't know. Do I even know HOW to change that by which I'm hanging? I don't know the answer to that either! God knows I've TRIED. For someone who hates the word "try" and "can't", i'm sure using those words a lot lately. God knows how many times I've been suicidal in the past 3 weeks. Only He knows. I don't have it in me to simply end my life on my own, so why tell anyone? I'm not in any danger so why worry those around me? It's not like they can't see that I'm clearly depressed anyway. It's painfully obvious. When did my depression start this time? It started when a bunch of changes took place in my life (not good or bad, just change, period) and then very soon after, I hurt my lower back and I've been in more pain than I've been in in a long time, and then I guess reality set in that I would have to finally face my painful past w/o the use of pills. That reality isn't settling too well with me.
I'm missing my dad like crazy. I wish so bad that he were here and that I could talk to him about the pain and struggle with pain and addiction combined.... he would understand..... I was too little to remember, but I know that my dad struggled with addiction to pain pills at one time in his life after having his hip replacements..... and I remember him warning me not to get into pills when I first started on them b/c I had kidney stones.... but I had no idea what he really meant..... well I do now. Sometimes I'll go to an AA meeting and I'll get so angry that all these alcoholics made it out alive but that my dad had to be taken away from me b/c of the SOB alcohol..... it's so not fair. What I would give to sit next to him and listen to him play his guitar which he was so amazingly good at. The man could sing like none other..... he sounded a lot like waylon jennings..... he was just amazing. I miss him so much. I want to come out of this addiction alive and make him proud of me. It sure is a lot harder than I thought it would be.......

Lost

I feel so lost right now. I still haven't used. In other words, I'm still sober. I have taken a pill twice for very severe pain but I left it at that. I wish right now that I were back on them full time..... I want them right now for emotional pain. I want to hide behind those pills again. I have nothing to hide behind anymore and it hurts dammit! It hurts so bad. I'm trying to lean on God... He's all I have left, and I know that He's all I need, but then why does it hurt so bad? At least on pills, it didn't hurt quite as bad (until I ran out!).
There is so much change going on in my life.... and once again, I feel so alone. I have one person moving in, then another person moving in (both with significant issues) and then those two don't get along so I was always stuck in the middle of a bunch of drama.... then one person goes away for two weeks and the other has a nervous breakdown and finally decides she needs treatment (good for her, I'm proud of her!) and ends up leaving the day before the other girl comes back...... this person going, that person coming, all the drama, always being in the middle, trying to find recovery from a pill addiction..... it's all throwing me for a loop and depression is trying to make it's home in my life and I can't seem to find the strength to kick it out this time.
I feel like a stranger in my own house now because the girl living here doesn't even know me at all. I've been accused of doing things I just don't do. I know it's all her insecurity and I can't own those things because they are her problem, not mine. But it still hurts. I feel just as alone as I did before anyone moved in at all. I just want my husband. I hate that he works such crazy hours. I feel like I'm slipping away. Am I suicidal? The thought is certainly there..... will I do something crazy? I don't think so.... I just want the pain to stop, both emotional and physical...... I just want someone to know me for who I am and not make up all this crap about me that isn't true. I just want people to be there when they say they are going to be there......
Right now, I just want pills! Tired of fighting..... i'm so drained..... I'm just tired... and lost.

Bear Hunting?

Ok so I'm in the mountains.... and I want to go bear hunting..... no one wants to go with me so maybe i'll just take an adventure by myself....... what I'm really after today is pills like I've never been before and I'm about to abuse anything in sight..... so I'm kinda trying to take my mind off of things and what better way to do so than to go bear hunting? There is so much more to this post that needs to be said because I'm just in one of those moods and I need something..... I'm flipping out...... I really thought this would get easier but it's not.... it's getting harder.... I was in a meeting the other night where a guy shared the exact same thing I was feeling so it made me feel like I wasn't so alone. But that doesn't make it any easier!!!! My sponsor is great and she helps but she can't be with me 24/7. It really is all up to me...... but one thing she told me is that when she finished reading my "step one" which was her assignment to me to write as long as I needed to write until I could convince myself that I KNEW that my life was unmanageable and that I was powerless over my addiction and she needed me to write HOW i knew so. Well I did..... it took twelve pages and I plan to share it on here.... when I get the energy to do so..... I actually have the energy right now but am too darn anxious and bored and flipping out to sit here much longer than 5 minutes.... so for now this is my post....... my Step One to follow... in the next post.......

Grieving and learning about God's Grace....

God knows I want some pills tonight..... I thought this would get easier, not harder..... I don't know what I would do w/o my sponsor right now.... I keep saying she was God-sent b/c I truly believe that..... w/o God's strength right now (cuz mine is empty) I would be out searching for pills right now. Why am I grieving something that has done so much damage to my life? I feel like I lost my best friend...... like someone died! The anxiety is getting harder and harder to deal with and I used Ativan for a couple weeks to deal with it but God knows I can't keep doing that or I will end up with a Benzo addiction and I can't even go there cuz the withdrawals from those are even more dangerous than the ones from the narcotic pills, so I hear or have seen in detox centers..... besides, I don't want to depend on a pill to get me through the day. What the heck is it about a pill that is so appealing to me? I don't understand. It got to the point to where they didn't make me high lonnnnnnnng time ago so I don't get what it was about them that I just HAD to have...... the ativan helped the anxiety but I could control them..... I didn't have to do more than necessary (more than prescribed) in order to feel like I had enough...... but I'm sure it would get to that point if I continued them so I haven't gone back for anymore.... part of it is the pain I'm still in from my nice little red flag ocean escapade..... but a lot of this if not most is psychological I know...... I went out of town.... yea I think I said that in my last post.... and I did the meeting my sponsor told me to do and I did so again tonight which I did NOT want to do..... and I shared, which God knows is so hard for me to do...... it's uncomfortable..... but sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations/positions in order to get ahead in life....  getting out of our comfort zones I guess is what I'm talking about here..... maybe that's what I'm dealing with..... maybe I'm answering my own questions as I blog..... sometimes that happens.... sometimes that's why blogging helps..... but yea so anyway, I'm struggling like hell tonight and God knows I need more strength..... but somehow, some way, I'm keeping myself from going out searching for pills..... so maybe I have the strength from Him that I need and I just want the struggle to go away.......

Ok so I just read 2 Corinthians 12..... 7-9 says "There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I have heard that verse and loved it for so long but I didn't remember where it was.... I just opened up and started reading 2 Cor 12..... yep, God always meets us where we are..... maybe He's telling me I have the strength I need from Him and through my own weakness, God will and can use me to help others? I don't know, but it does remind me of one of my favorite songs by Matthew West..... the lyrics are here:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.


So what I got out of this blog is this. God's grace is enough for me. I have all that I need through Him. I will make it yet through another night without pills b/c I don't need them. I only need God and His grace is sufficient for me..... for the next 5 minutes and the 5 minutes after that.... and so on......

Cry out to Jesus

So it's been about a week or so since I blogged. Right now I'm riding down the road to who knows where..... just spending some time with my husband alone which I have not been able to do in so long..... life just has a way of getting in the way of things like that sometimes......   I really wish he had different hours at work cuz they suck as far as getting to see him very much..... anyway.... I just went to the most redneck-ish NA meeting I've ever been to..... but my sponsor said that even though I was going out of town I was to find a meeting and go to it..... so I did and it was interesting and different but you just never know what you're going to hear at a meeting that may help..... cuz I believe that God always meets us where we are..... and He did tonight..... the phrase "surrender to God" was mentioned and it got my brain going pretty good...... as if my brain doesn't move fast enough..... then I got in the car and the first song I heard was "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day..... great song, by the way, if you haven't heard it.... you tube it.... it's pretty amazing words.... anyway...... I'm struggling more than ever right now..... it feels like I'm struggling more NOW than I did in the first 2 or 3 weeks of recovery..... I didn't expect that at all. I mean seriously, I did NOT expect this to be this hard since I was doing so well in the beginning. Well, last week, I injured myself pretty good because I didn't listen to my body's limits..... if you follow my blog, you know I suffer from chronic pain and neck crap..... well I went to the beach and it was a red flag day..... I thought, I have an inner tube so I'll be alright... it won't throw me around too much...... FYI, red flag means you will be hurting for the next few days no matter WHO you are or what you suffer from or don't suffer from. At least in the ocean it means that. So anyway, I was at my limit..... I was above my limit for pain about 2 days afterwards and I allowed myself to stay that way b/c I was so afraid that if I got anything, it would be considered a failure and/or relapse..... so for about 24 hours I stayed in that pain and I thought I was gonna die..... I didn't know how I would make it.... I wanted to just suffer through it and wait for it to end but I couldn't so I talked to several ppl including my sponsor and they all reassured me it would not be a failure or a relapse if I got something for that pain..... it was obvious and w/ the injury I had (aka taking a few head dives into the sand when the waves threw me upside down in my tube) that I was above my limit with pain. And that was the ONLY reason I needed something. I was surprised at how well I did with the pills. I only got enough for a couple of days and I actually took them as prescribed. It said every 4-6 hours and I actually waited the 6 hours instead of watching the clock and waiting for the 4 hour mark. I did so well with them. And when they were gone, I was fine with that, my pain had subsided and I did just fine. Now 2 days later, God KNOWS I want some more pills..... I just talked to my sponsor (whom I love to death and was definitely God-sent) and I asked her..... why am I struggling so much more NOW than I did in the beginning..... In the first 2 or 3 weeks I was gung-ho and ready for recovery.... but now I just want to go back to the pills...... I'm definitely "white knuckling" it..... I won't turn back.... I just can't...... and she said to me something I have never heard....she said "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle" so between hearing about surrendering to God.... Crying out to Jesus... and not quitting 5 minutes before the miracle.... I'm doing this one day at a time.... in fact, I'm actually doing this 5 minutes at a time cuz God knows I want some pills..... but the truth is that if I go back, I'll die in my addiction..... I've escaped death so many times..... but I'm NOT invincible like I once thought I was..... and I've been blessed to have my life saved more than once when it comes to accidents and overdoses...... So tonight I'm crying out to Jesus to get me through the next 5 minutes....... thanks to all who support me everyday..... I need you more than you know!

The struggle Continues

So I'm on day 35 without pills. I hate this. I'm in so much pain today all I want is a pill. It's like I'm grieving the death of my best friend. It hurts so much. Emotionally, physically..... everything.... it just hurts. I have been running around town since 10 this morning and now I gotta go back out again after just getting home. I'm going to an NA meeting... it's one that I really like and I met some really good people there that can help me through this. I got a sponsor and I feel like God sent her to me because she is so right for me. I love her so much already..... I just got off the phone with her and she has helped me stay clean so far. I am realizing though that I cannot replace my addiction with other addictions. Like Energy drinks..... people...... anything..... that's just my personality.. I need SOMEthing comforting...... so maybe I need to get addicted to God..... hey there's a concept.....

So the meeting was a bit emotional and I'll explain that tomorrow when I'm not so tired.... by the way, I started this post yesterday and now it is tonight and I'm finishing it...... I gave myself a "down day" and slept a lot and did a lot of other pain relief methods like Tiger Balm and my TENS unit and heating pads and such.... a couple of muscle relaxers were needed but I don't abuse those..... anyway, the day helped just to do nothing but relax and take care of ME...... so anyway I have more to say but I'm too tired but feeling positive about my recovery so that's a good note to end on I suppose..... Thanks to all who have supported me through this!

The power of "paying it forward"

Now, this phrase is obviously commonly used in certain situations and while it's been used in a certain situation involving a friend of mine and a business opportunity lately, the idea never hit me as much as it did today when I talked to a girl that I just met last night at an AA meeting. Today I am 24 days clean....... I did this..... no detox, no rehab, nothing, just going through the withdrawals at home and support from the family and friends that I have in my life. But no one stopped me from going and getting more pills. I chose to make that decision. The last three days have been some of the most stressful days of my life...... But because of my faith in God, I've gotten through it and I've gotten through it Clean and Sober. I've been in so much pain too which only makes the cravings worse.... the tension complicates my pain beyond no end. However, sometimes you just do what ya gotta do for those you love..... and that's what I TRY to do though I feel like I fail so often. Anyway, I decided after the whole ordeal yesterday at the hospital with my friend to walk into an AA meeting late cuz that's the best I could do..... and I had no idea what the topic was or anything when I walked in,.... the first thing I did when I walked in was raise my hand..... and I thought "oh crap I just raised my hand and I have NO idea what I'm going to say!!!" So basically I just shared my story a little bit and my clean time and the way I've gone about it this time, blah blah blah..... and I shared my struggle and my complete and total fear of even talking in front of 50+ people but I also said that if I was going to stay clean, I knew I was going to just have to "put myself out there" and not care what anyone thinks......  I talked about how I have NEVER followed the guidelines they give you in the Detox unit like going to AA/NA mtgs, getting a sponsor, working the "steps" blah blah blah...... NEVER..... and I still didn't this time but one thing I did do which has made all the difference in the world is that I reached out to God at my rock bottom.... and it's true .... God always meets us where we are cuz He met me one day when I had a bunch of pills still left in my pocket and in a second's time, I ran to the bathroom and flushed them. How in the world I had the strength to do THAT? uhhhh I didn't...... that was God..... totally God but I reached out to Him and He answered me when I called...... so basically these are the things I shared..... and somehow, they flowed so smoothly out of my mouth like there wasn't a single person in the room. Again,..... a GOD thing.... HELLO!! I just don't speak in front of people..... but uh I guess I do now,..... anyway, I admitted to wanting to try and do it the NA way (even though it was an AA meeting technically) the principles are all the same and they don't exclude God cuz they know we can't stay clean w/o Him! Some ppl's views might be different but I know mine and I cling to them!!! That's all I've been doing!!!  So anyway, I was amazed at the swarming of support I got in that room..... I felt loved, understood, appreciated for sharing, I felt rewarded and I felt healed to just one more degree....... it was amazing....... so this girl comes up to me afterwards and gives me her number and says I'll be your sponsor if you're willing to call me everyday. There are definitely expectations in this program which I'm not used to.... I'm used to doing things my OWN way but I'm going to follow what they have to say and see where it leads and let God lead me through it. So she shared her story with me and it was so similar it was unreal, only her "drug of choice" was alcohol..... I shared with her how I watched my dad die from alcohol and it was hard as hell..... and I commended her for her FIVE year sobriety... that number scares me...... 24 days has been the longest 24 days of my life.... at least in 11 years it has been..... so the thought of going a year or two or 5 or 7...... wow I can't wait..... I'm finally ready......

So anyway, I had to take something to my friend in the hospital tonight and while I was there, I asked if a certain nurse was working on the detox unit that I used to be on ..... I was pretty much a permanent resident there....... she knew me by name immediately..... I asked her if she had just a couple minutes to come downstairs and when I shared with her where I was... she cried .... it touched her heart and she said "if I have to work here 25 years to hear one success story like yours, then it's all worth it"...... I just had to thank her for all she had allowed me to put her through when I was on detox cuz she and I clashed big time when I was on the unit time after time..... I'm going to do the same with my favorite nurse tomorrow during her shift during the day........

So anyway, as I was talking to my now new sponsor... she was sharing her story about how when she overdosed on vicodin and alcohol a few years ago and was taken to a hospital there was this nice man who actually treated her like she had value and didn't look down on her or anything... just loved her and felt bad for her...... and someone asked her recently "have you ever thanked him?" and she said i don't even know who he is...... so she told me she wrote a letter describing herself, the date and the circumstance and sent it to that unit she was on and prayed it got into the right hands..... until this day she doesn't know if it did or not...... but regardless if HE saw it, someone did and maybe that will educate those in ER's that aren't so nice to "people like us" who have addictions..... we have value as much as anyone else and deserve to be treated as so..... and she just wanted him to know that he is probably the one that saved her life and why she is now 5 years clean...... I thought that was an amazing story..... it inspired me to "pay it forward" .... in more ways than one!!!!

Day 22!!

Ok so this is the longest I've gone in 11 years...... 22 days..... I'm looking forward to going to an NA meeting and getting that 30 day keytag...... when i feel like giving up on recovery, which I do sometimes, I have to remember why I've held on for so long...... Why have I held on for so long? Because I WANT freedom..... screw addiction..... I no longer allow it to control my life.... do I need a kick in the @sss sometiems when I want to give in,... um, yep but sometimes that's what it takes..... but mostly, I've done this on my own with my faith in God... w/o His strength, I wouldn't be who I am, let alone drug free for 22 days......... it doesn't sound like much, but after 11 years, it's a long time for me and I even just spent 18 hours in the ER with a friend needing help..... was that hard as hell for me? YES!!! Because I knew dilaudid was everywhere and I could have done something to seek it out, but my focus was on helping a friend and that's where it needed to be. I made it though!!! I'm so proud of myself and that's hard for me to say........ I have a lot more to say (imagine that) but I realy gotta try to sleep..... because unfortunately, after 18 hours in the ER they could not help her and that pisses me off to know end.... just b/c she doesn't have health insurance.....and they couldn't tell us that in the first hour or two??????? Seriously? I was beyond livid at some points but then I changed my attitude after a good friend "got into my head" and suggested I kill 'em with kindness..... hey it worked!!! All of a sudden I had a very nice nurse saying "bless your heart" to me every 10 minutes. it was kinda funny but it felt good to be acknowledged for what I was doing even though that wasn't my REASON for doing it.....I'm just a good friend, what can I say...haha.... I've learned a lot from other friends though on how to be the right kind of friend with balance and that's what I'm working towards and apparently I'm "getting it" according to the girls in the house.... it's all a learning processs....... much easier to do drud free though!! I actually hve a clear head now minus the lack of sleep..... anyway we have to repeart the process at the Medical College of Virignia in Rchmond tomorrow. .. if that's how it hs to be then so be it......... ok my eyes are closing and I can't even see what Im typing...... one of my biggest pet peeves, mis-spelling and all that english stuff.... but im surei' messed up a lot.......

ok i seriously this ambien is messing wiht me.... i think it's time to go to sleep now!

So confused.......but hey I"m 20 days clean all ALL narcotics!!!!!!

Well I just made a huge post and for some reason my dog-gone blogger deleted it all.... gee It must not have been "positive" enough....... bottom line..... on a good note, I'm 20 days clean of all narcs today!!!!!! And I'm working on putting some balance in my life and a lot of ppl are getting hurt because of it..... I don't intend that.... I have the biggest heart and will do anything for anyone but I know that I must grow a lot stronger before I take much else on.......i just know God is my rock and I must depend on Him......and I"m working on that..... God knows I am!!

K so that was the shortest post I've made in awhile but grrrrrr and I had SO much more to say!! Imagine that!!! :-)

Telling God how I feel?

Ok so I just read Psalm 101 and 102. The writer in 102 is telling God how badly he feels.... he even says in one verse "I can't sleep!" .... gee, I know how that feels..... and it feels horrible... but sometimes I think God isn't really concerned with the little pity feelings that I have..... but that couldn't be further from the truth! He really wants us to talk to Him about how we feel.... and right now I'm angry that I have an addiction that I haven't yet seem to be able to beat... I'm angry that I had to give it up even! I'm grieving pills as dumb as that sounds...... there are so many crazy mixed feelings.... but it's good to know that I can tell them to God and He won't judge me or hold them against me... He will even understand them! The first half of the psalm (102) is the writer talking about how badly he feels.... and the last half of the Psalm is praising God..... it appears it made the writer feel much better after venting to God about his feelings...... this might be a very simple way to take my Bible reading.... but it's what I got tonight...... so I'm going to go lie down and just pray and tell God how I feel.... (even though He already knows.... )