Happy Easter

Well, Happy Easter, everyone! Today is day three of my official journey of "pill rehab". I only got a couple hours of sleep. Gracie had a pretty rough night and I held her for most of it and tried to help get her through it. I just hope I made an impact and actually helped her to feel just a little bit safer through it. I was there for her, though, and was more than happy to do so, as I always will be.

I woke up and barely could move though as my lower back as well as my neck were a level 8/9 on my pain chart. I was pretty much in tears. So I took a couple of my pills. That's it for today. I won't take any more. We are going to get going pretty soon and go on a little trip. To celebrate Easter today, I wanted to go to a place where I love having some time with God. We are going to the mountains. I thought it would empower me a little bit more to go to a place where I have always seemed to find extra strength. There is something about being in the mountains and standing in awe of God's creation that empowers me. I am reminded of the incredible power of God when I am there. I live at the ocean so I occasionally use that too. I see the vastness of the water, the endless waves of beauty and awesomeness. And then I feel just a little bit closer to God. Well that's what being in the mountains does for me but on a whole other level. It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside so it's going to be a GREAT day for a drive. Going on a drive is another way that I grow closer to God. I use it as a way of spending time with Him and listening to my music which helps me too. So yea, this is going to be a great day and I am so thankful that Christ arose from the dead to give ME new life! It's only because of HIM that I can even think about beating this addiction and finding freedom.

Last night I really had some anxiety because even though I wasn't in huge amounts of pain (I was between a 4 and a 6 most of the day yesterday), I just had this uncontrollable urge to take pills. I'm not just addicted to narcotics; I am addicted to taking pills, period. So even though I was determined not to take any of my narcotic pain pills, it was definitely a struggle not to find pills around the house and just start taking them. Tylenol, motrin, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anything. I just wanted to start taking pills! I did take one motrin 800 to calm the pain a little bit and that was all I took! When my anxiety started getting really bad, that is when I wrote the letter to my addiction. I was NOT going to let my addiction win last night. And I actually got through the night w/o taking any of my narc pain pills and I didn't over-do it on anything else, either. I didn't take the motrin 800 b/c of the addiction. That was ONLY to calm the pain, because if it were the addiction, I would have taken several and combined it with other things.  That is the very first time I have EVER had narc pain pills available to me and refused to take them. And on top of that, I didn't try to compensate with taking a bunch of other pills. I can't believe I did this. I just can't believe it. But I really did! I drew upon God's strength and the strength of those around me who are fighting for me and pulling for me. This is a milestone for sure. The first time in 10 years. Wow.

Today, I am definitely reminded of the power of God. He's alive and He lives in me. And the most awesome thing ever is that the very same power that arose Christ from the dead is the very same power that lives inside of ME!!! Hey, if that power can raise someone from the dead, of course it can conquer an addiction to pills!!! Satan is defeated. He wants me to lose this battle. He wants this addiction to completely take control back and take over my whole life again. Well I got news for him..... he done lost this battle. I will conquer and I will be free!!! As my sister says, freedom is worth fighting for. She couldn't be more right.

Well, it's time to get going and get on the road. I can't wait. It's so pretty outside today! It's going to be a great Easter!!!

Not Today

Everyday I wake up and I ask myself, "is this the day when I will finally give up? And the answer has been the same ever since I started asking myself the question. Not today" Not today.

Ever? Will I ever give up? Apparently it's not in me to just quit. Nah, I've been through too much to quit now. But what next? I can't live with this god-forsaken addiction anymore. Something has to give. I sit up at night and watch the clock from 2 a.m. til I pass out sometimes around 7 or 8 a.m. It's miserable and it's lonely. I have laid in bed for several days at a time until my back could no longer take being plastered to a mattress. So I'd get up and walk around the house, trying to make myself useful for a day or so until my back recovered and then I'd lay in bed for another few days. It's no way to live, really. I just exist from day to day with no real purpose. I lie alone with my thoughts everyday and what goes on inside my head on a day to day basis is enough to drive anyone insane. I'm surprised I'm not there, yet. Even simple daily living skills are huge chores to me anymore.

So, what's it going to take? Have I not hit rock bottom yet? I once beat an addiction to crack, but that was only a 6 to 8 month ordeal. Now talk about rock bottom. That was it, definitely. Homeless, living on the streets, doing everything that goes against my moral values just to get my drug each day. I'll revisit that year in another blog post. I've beaten an eating disorder addiction. That was about a 5 year battle but I did it. I overcame. But when narcotic pain killers got a hold of my life, they took all control away from me. I have no control over my life. I've lost it, completely. These pills are the devil yet they are my best friend. What is it about them that I can't seem to let go? Part of it is the pain I experience from day to day, but most of it is not. Most of it is a psychological addiction that I just can't seem to conquer. I simply don't know how to live life without these pills. They don't even give me the pleasure of making me high anymore. So it's not that. What the hell is the problem then? I can't seem to pinpoint it. YET. I am determined though. I will find the trigger and I will kill it with every everlasting bit of rage I have in me. It will NOT survive once I find it. So tomorrow.... I will ask myself again....

"Is today the day for me to give up? Um..... I might think for a minute.... but the answer will still be the same. Not today. Not today."