Overloaded.....

So I started this post several days ago and then kinda shut down as far as sharing anything going on with me..... but I decided to go ahead and post it..... keep in mind this is from a little over a week ago and guess what, now I have a lot more stress and "overwhelmingness" to add! Yay, such is life.

Ok, so I just looked at my siamese cat and told him out loud "you are so darn cute... gosh, I love you... you just make everything okay sometimes..." It's funny how you can be so overloaded and stressed and then a little (well actually he's a big fat solid baby) cat can come up to you and give you the cutest darn look and make everything okay.

This post is going to be so all over the place so bear with me. I am completely overloaded and stressed to the max. You ever have SO many thoughts in your head that you don't even understand how they all FIT? I have so many thoughts running through my head and it has been that way for the past 24 hours. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions that I feel like I can't type, talk, or even THINK fast enough to express them all. So I might ramble on a bit.... kinda like I'm doing NOW! I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I can only stand so long without falling from it all. Most of it, I bring on myself too. I am the kind of person who just wants to fix everything! EVERYthing. I want to heal all the pain in my friends and family and fix any situation that is harmful or even seems harmful to anyone I love. So many times, this is such the case that I actually end up making things worse and then I feel even WORSE about myself and about everything else. I end up causing more stress for others and myself than was even necessary and it hurts so bad. I never meant to. I just want to help, not HURT! So then I have to back off a little bit and re-evaluate the situation and re-evaluate my own actions and adjust my own behavior. I'm not a prideful person so I'm okay with admitting when I'm wrong which I have done here. I try to be as objective as possible but sometimes I guess I don't see the big picture when I thought I did. So without making public the situation I'm talking about, those are the emotions and frustrations I'm dealing with that I CAN share. Frustrating. Mostly with myself. And it's situations like this that I have a hard time dealing with when I don't have pills to hide from the emotions and stress.

Then I am dealing with frustrations from not being able to connect with someone I love and I'm not sure where I'm going wrong, if I'm going wrong at all. Is it him or is it me? I don't care who it is..... like I said, I'm not prideful.... I can admit if I'm wrong.... but I just need to see that it IS me.... but he seems so distant, absent.... disconnected. It hurts. He is someone important in my life so I fear growing apart from him. I just want to fix it but I don't know how. I'm scared. I know I won't lose him. But how can I fix it? These are some more of the thoughts consuming my brain and causing me to lose sleep.

I never thought God would use me in someone else's life the way he is using me in Gracie's life. She has completely changed my life for the better in so many ways. It really makes a huge difference in my life to be able to make a difference in hers the way she says and it appears I have! It's amazing to watch the transformation. However, it is a lot of responsibility to have that huge of an influence on another life. I have to make sure I'm on top of MY game and doing all the things *I* need to be doing so that she has a positive role model and example to follow! When sometimes, I just want to lie down and give up, I know that I can't now because I have someone so incredibly special to me actually looking up to me. While this is all incredibly good, it is still stressful at times because of not only the reasons I just mentioned but also I am a very empathetic person. I actually *feel* the pain of others, especially those closest to me. And when I see her digging down and dealing with the intense pain of her past and fighting so hard, I in so many ways understand what she is going through and it is painful to watch!

So this is 14 days w/o any pills!!!! Wow I have never been able to say that. Last night, my pain level was an 11 on the 1-10 scale. I was almost to the point of literal insanity. The nerve damage from my broken neck and then the pain in my lower back from my car accident last year was just more than I could handle last night. I broke down and got some more pills. I did last 14 days though. I'm not sure how, wow I'm just not sure how I did that. So now I'm back to fighting not to take any pills unless I'm desperately in need of them for pain and only physical pain that nothing else can ease for me.

I'm gonna make a new post now to just catch up from this post to the present situation in my life now...... I've got a lot of venting to do.....

Struggling to fight.....

So today it's been one week since I had any pills. I can't believe I have gone that long. AND..... whereas in the past, I probably would have stayed in bed and hid from the world for a good bit of that time, I only did that one day this week. I actually got up and did productive things and yea, I actually functioned without any pills. It has taken everything in me not to go doctor shopping until I can get some more pills on Tuesday. I saw my doctor the other day and I said to him..... "I DO want to be free of narcotics, but when I get to that point where it's just too much to handle, and the pain is just beyond what I can bear, as it occasionally does get that way, what am I SUPPOSED to do???" And he agreed with me. Luckily the pain has only gotten that way once this week, and that was the day I knocked myself out all day. So am I strong enough to say even though I CAN get more pills on Tuesday, I'm just not even going to get them, as in refuse to get pills when I am ABLE to?  Haha funny.... yea, no I'm not even close to being that strong. I do occasionally need them for real.... but the biggest test comes when I get them and I have a full prescription amount of them. When I started this fight, I only had a limited amount left so for some reason it was easier I think than it will be to have a full bottle of them and still control myself like I have been. I believe I can do this though! I just know I can.... whether I have 12 or 60, I should still be able to have the same fight I have had all this week..... right? Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that anyway.

So anyway, I woke up today (I slept REALLY late.... I have been pretty worn out..... it takes a lot out of you to fight like this!! ) and the first thought on my mind was pills. My pain level? Today about a 7. Not great but not unbearable either. So I guess it was the addiction calling my name. I HATE addiction..... God I hate addiction!!! I'm sick of it ..... it doesn't have the right to control how I feel and think and consume me like this....All I want today is just a few pills.... it's ALL I want right now...... But I've made it to day 7 and haven't lost the fight yet..... so it would be dumb of me to give in NOW!! I have NEVER gone this long..... Sure, I was at Mercy for about a year and I wasn't using then..... but I didn't have a choice then....AND, I didn't have to deal with nearly the pain levels that I deal with now either..... THIS time, it's all MY choice.... this is MY fight..... I have chosen this...... no one has forced this one me!! That's what feels so good about it! I am the one who has chosen to allow God to team up with me and fight this addiction head on..... Ugh but my strength seems so low today...... I seem to be swinging back and forth between the thought "I am so proud of myself for doing this...." and then "I am just ready to give it up..... I will never win ..... addiction is way stronger than me.... I don't have a chance...."  So to control my thinking instead of addiction controlling the way I think is definitely a challenge and it's wearing me out!! Completely wearing me out. I slept til almost 2 today!!  I do feel rested, but I feel a migraine coming on..... grrr I can't win sometimes...... So anyway, that's my struggle for today..... please keep supporting me..... I really really need it right now.....

Breaking down walls, getting real with myself and others....

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a few days..... Let me backtrack..... Easter weekend was beyond amazing. We found some really cool spots in the mountains and climbed rocks and hiked a bit.... And, I did the whole weekend without any pain pills!

Now about yesterday..... it was a VERY rough day to say the least. I'm almost a week into the fight with narcotics..... I don't have anymore pills right now for a few days..... BUT the fight not to doctor shop was beyond difficult. Yesterday, I was mad as hell at my addiction.... it doesn't have the right to put me through this!! My body is having a hard time not having any narcotics in it. A couple days ago I just knocked myself out all day... then the next day, I decided not to because that was my old way of dealing with not having any pills. I got up and spent a lot of time with Gracie and that helped some. But yesterday, nothing seemed to help. I was a very aggressive driver yesterday (that is NOT me at all) and I just drove like I was mad at the world. We went down to the beach last night and I thought that would help, but no not really. All I could really do was go to sleep for the night and pray for a better day today. The amazing thing, though, is that I did not doctor shop yesterday. I was too mad at my addiction to even give in for one day. I won't allow it to have anymore control over me...... no more.

What I have to be very careful of is that I don't replace this addiction with another, while only fooling myself. I am struggling very much so with my Eating Disorder. I am mad about that too. I completely recovered from my ED, so it doesn't have the right to come back into my life like this. I'm not sure what brought it on but I went two days without eating anything or drinking anything. The following day, I really felt it in my body and it didn't feel good at all. I knew my blood pressure was very low based on how I felt.... I took it today and it was 80/53. My heart rate is flipping out too. Part of this is because of the fact that I'm detoxing from narcotics. But part of it is because I'm very weak from not eating. So yesterday I was determined not to let ED back into my life. Well, he already came in but I'm kicking him out again. I did eat yesterday and I will make sure to do so again today. Besides, Gracie is fighting an Eating Disorder and I must practice what I preach and be an example to her. I totally lost sight of that for a couple of days. But I'm back on track with that.....

So all in all, I'm not doing too bad. I'm struggling for sure, but I knew this wasn't going to be easy by any means.... that's why it's a fight..... but like I said at the very beginning of my blog.... Every morning I ask myself "Is today the day that I will give up?" And the answer is always the same. "Not today."

Happy Easter

Well, Happy Easter, everyone! Today is day three of my official journey of "pill rehab". I only got a couple hours of sleep. Gracie had a pretty rough night and I held her for most of it and tried to help get her through it. I just hope I made an impact and actually helped her to feel just a little bit safer through it. I was there for her, though, and was more than happy to do so, as I always will be.

I woke up and barely could move though as my lower back as well as my neck were a level 8/9 on my pain chart. I was pretty much in tears. So I took a couple of my pills. That's it for today. I won't take any more. We are going to get going pretty soon and go on a little trip. To celebrate Easter today, I wanted to go to a place where I love having some time with God. We are going to the mountains. I thought it would empower me a little bit more to go to a place where I have always seemed to find extra strength. There is something about being in the mountains and standing in awe of God's creation that empowers me. I am reminded of the incredible power of God when I am there. I live at the ocean so I occasionally use that too. I see the vastness of the water, the endless waves of beauty and awesomeness. And then I feel just a little bit closer to God. Well that's what being in the mountains does for me but on a whole other level. It's a BEAUTIFUL day outside so it's going to be a GREAT day for a drive. Going on a drive is another way that I grow closer to God. I use it as a way of spending time with Him and listening to my music which helps me too. So yea, this is going to be a great day and I am so thankful that Christ arose from the dead to give ME new life! It's only because of HIM that I can even think about beating this addiction and finding freedom.

Last night I really had some anxiety because even though I wasn't in huge amounts of pain (I was between a 4 and a 6 most of the day yesterday), I just had this uncontrollable urge to take pills. I'm not just addicted to narcotics; I am addicted to taking pills, period. So even though I was determined not to take any of my narcotic pain pills, it was definitely a struggle not to find pills around the house and just start taking them. Tylenol, motrin, muscle relaxers, sleeping pills, anything. I just wanted to start taking pills! I did take one motrin 800 to calm the pain a little bit and that was all I took! When my anxiety started getting really bad, that is when I wrote the letter to my addiction. I was NOT going to let my addiction win last night. And I actually got through the night w/o taking any of my narc pain pills and I didn't over-do it on anything else, either. I didn't take the motrin 800 b/c of the addiction. That was ONLY to calm the pain, because if it were the addiction, I would have taken several and combined it with other things.  That is the very first time I have EVER had narc pain pills available to me and refused to take them. And on top of that, I didn't try to compensate with taking a bunch of other pills. I can't believe I did this. I just can't believe it. But I really did! I drew upon God's strength and the strength of those around me who are fighting for me and pulling for me. This is a milestone for sure. The first time in 10 years. Wow.

Today, I am definitely reminded of the power of God. He's alive and He lives in me. And the most awesome thing ever is that the very same power that arose Christ from the dead is the very same power that lives inside of ME!!! Hey, if that power can raise someone from the dead, of course it can conquer an addiction to pills!!! Satan is defeated. He wants me to lose this battle. He wants this addiction to completely take control back and take over my whole life again. Well I got news for him..... he done lost this battle. I will conquer and I will be free!!! As my sister says, freedom is worth fighting for. She couldn't be more right.

Well, it's time to get going and get on the road. I can't wait. It's so pretty outside today! It's going to be a great Easter!!!

A Letter to my addiction

Dear Pill addiction,

I have finally come to the realization that you are no good for my life anymore. I'm finally ready. I have never been more ready to cut you out of my life. I am tired of the negative things that you do for me. I actually hate you. At one time, pills, you served a purpose. You helped my pain. But then you became very sneaky and conniving, cunning and downright deceitful. Somehow you sneaked into my soul and grabbed a hold of it and you haven't let go since. You ended up changing the way I thought, the way I did things, the way I felt, everything. You have controlled my life for so long and I'm tired of you. You're done. 

As you know, these last two days, I have done something that I have never done in my life. I have some pain pills and I actually said no. I found the strength in me to refuse to take pills even when they were available and even when I was in pain. Yes, when my pain reached a level 10 (an honest level 10), I took a couple, but the fact that I didn't manipulate anyone or anything to try and take any pills earlier in the day before my pain honest to God reached a level I couldn't deal with on my own says I'm finally ready for this fight. Today, I haven't taken even one pill. They are in the Safe. All I would have to do is ask Larry to get me a pill by telling him I can't take the pain and he would get it for me but right now that would be a lie because my pain is only a level 6 right now so I don't NEED you!!!!! And for once I have the strength to say no. You are not going to win this fight. I have God on my side so you are already defeated. I'm on day 2 with this fight. Yea, I have expressed a desire to get rid of you a few times in the last few months but until I was ready it just wasn't going to happen. Well guess what, I'm ready now. Day 2 and I'm doing great. I now know that I don't NEED you. You are going to be cut out of my life completely here shortly. I'm going to fight the fight the way I'm doing it now for a little while, then I'm going to take another step. I'm doing this the way I know that I can win the fight. I don't know what it is, but something has happened in me and I have prayed and prayed over the last couple of days and I actually might not even need rehab. Between God, my support system and my own adrenaline and strength, I believe you don't even have a chance. I KNOW so. So many things I learned at Mercy have come back to me and God is doing something amazing in my heart. I am happy to tell you, Pill Addiction, that you are defeated...... DEFEATED!!! You got that? Seriously, I'm DONE with you. I'm angry that you took so much of my life and made it yours. You took it away from me and now I'm taking it back.  I have someone to fight with now and God says "where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there....." Yep, God is in the middle of us and fighting with and for us. You don't stand a chance!!! I'm finally relying on God again and honestly, that is where you had me for all this time.... I simply didn't have the strength on my own to fight you... it was too much for me, but I turned back to God and He did something in my heart that I can't even express in words just yet, but I can tell you this.... You're done.... history..... no more. No more will you have control of me. No more will you control my thoughts. No more will you control my happiness. No more will you have ANY control of my life, PERIOD. You had my life before, but like I said I'm taking it back. It's mine now and God will see to it that you never again get the chance to take it back and do with it what you have done already. Never again will I listen to your lies. Never again will you stab me in the back. Never again will you come between me and the people I love. NEVER AGAIN. So I'll leave you with this. I'm just getting started, pill addiction. Tomorrow is day 3. I'm fighting and I'm conquering. BUT..... you haven't seen anything yet. My fight is only going to get stronger. Yesterday I only took a dose ONE time (and it was for PAIN only and not to please YOU, addiction). Today I haven't taken a single pill.  As a guide for myself, I made a chart. It symbolizes my pain levels versus the actual addiction. Every time I have the urge to take a pill, I will refer to the chart. Depending on where I am on the chart (and I finally have enough fight in me to be HONEST), I will either refuse the pill if it's you calling my name, or I will take one if it's honest to God for a pain level that I can't deal with. As time goes on and I find alternative pain relief options, there will be more and more days between each time that I actually take a pill for the pain and by day 40, narcotic pills will no longer be a part of my life. NEVER AGAIN. So, just so you know..... the fight is on, Pill Addiction. Defeated you are and FREE I STAND!!!!

Family Given by God....

 I am married to Larry who is 15 years older than me. When I first met him a little over 2 years ago, he was like a father figure to me. I grew very close to him and we did everything together. I had never enjoyed being with someone so much as I did with him. In time, I grew up a whole lot and realized my relationship with him was changing. We were growing closer and closer .... it was like I was getting older and he was getting younger and eventually we realized we were soul mates. We decided to get married and we did just that on November 6, 2009. I gradually revealed to those in my life what I was doing and some were very happy for me. Some were not as understanding but I didn't really expect understanding from everyone because I realize I am unique and I don't fit into any mold. Because of several traumatic experiences in my life, I knew I would never desire a physically intimate relationship with a man, but I did want the closeness, the companionship, the togetherness, and everything else that comes with a marriage. I felt "gipped" for the longest time because I thought I would lose out if I didn't just force myself to "like" sex.  That is, until God brought Larry into my life. Our relationship is very close, emotionally intimate. It is nothing more, nothing less. And I couldn't be happier. I am finally learning I can be "me" and it's ok now!

My family dynamics aren't the everyday American family dynamics. That's just the way it is but it is what I am happy with. I am happier than I have ever been and have finally found the strength from God, from within and from those around me to push forward and work through my past --which has for so long had such a stronghold on me that I just couldn't let go. God has brought just the right people into my life and He has me where He wants me and where I need to be. For the first time, I am making huge strides and making changes I though I'd never make. For the first time in ten years, I have the desire to live life to the fullest, and in order to do so, I have to kick this drug addiction once and for all.... I have for so long wanted to do so, but just didn't have the fight in me to do it. Because of where God has me and the people He has surrounded me with and with whom I have created a family, I have it in me to fight. And that's just what I'm doing.

Larry has a 19 year old daughter to whom I am very close. Because of our age difference, we are more like sisters than me a step-mother to her, but I like it the way it is. I love her to death and don't know what I'd do without her. 

"Keagen" lived with us for about a year and then moved on to other things and she pretty much had to find herself out in the world. She is 19 now and learning a lot about a lot of things. Currently she is in a treatment center for Eating Disorders. I am more than proud of her for the strides she has taken and the progress she has made. It is only her 2nd week in treatment and I've already seen her grow so much. 

Gracie is the new "addition" to our family! Larry is going to adopt her next month. We have looked into adult adoptions and I think it's pretty amazing that you can even do such a thing. She has never had a family. She is 23 and like I said in my last post, she, like "Keagen" is like another little sister to me. She and I have formed a bond like I have never had with any one else in my life, however. God has definitely allowed us to cross paths for a reason.  We fight together and as we grow in faith, God gives us what we need to help each other fight. I've seen Gracie grow in faith faster than I have ever seen anyone grow. It's amazing to watch and it empowers me to move forward and fight for freedom. I WANT to be free finally, and I know that because of all God has done for me, I CAN be. As far as Gracie, when I first met her, I asked her where she stood in her faith and because of unspeakable experiences in her childhood, the idea of a relationship with God was a bit more than she could imagine. I understood completely. I am a Christian, but I am no Bible thumper. I am not one to push religion down anyone's throat. In fact, I don't even like the word "religion" and I told her that. I am NOT religious by any means. I simply have a relationship with God. I don't preach either. I simply share. I told her that, too. I let her know that I would never shove the Bible down her throat or tell her she was a horrible person because of anything she had done. I told her I wouldn't PUSH my faith on her but that I also would not apologize for my faith. She was very respectful of that. That night, I prayed and asked God how I could help her. His answer : Lead by example. So, that's what I am trying to do. I don't ever want to come across as someone who thinks I am better than anyone else because I try to live a certain way or because I am a Christian. Far from it. I am far from perfect.... I told her that.... but that's WHY I need God!! 

Tonight, I prayed again and asked God.... "Help me to share more of my faith with her. Help me to share something with her that will help her to realize she does need You and that if we are to beat these addictions, we are going to have to rely on Your strength. Because afterall, YOU are on OUR side!!! I was lying in bed with the music playing on one of the music channels on TV. Lately that has helped me to fall asleep at night. And this song came up that I had never heard before. I lied there and listened and it was God!!! He sent this song to me to send along to her...... Here are the lyrics:

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say 

I will continue to blog about where God has me after I get some sleep...... 

Dealing with Reality

I know that I need to blog more often. It is a good outlet and so often, I just hide in the dark, in bed, in my sleep. This drug addiction is killing me inside.
Let me preface this post by saying things around me have changed even a lot MORE since my last post. We had Jess and Gracie who moved in and it was great having the two girls around..... then we all realized that Jess just wasn't who she said she was. She lied about everyone to everyone and she turned out to be nothing but an "issue copycat" that just wanted attention and sympathy. It was heartbreaking for us all. But the situation now is this: I am making a lot of changes in my own life and have been empowered beyond belief lately to fight my drug addiction. Gracie still lives with us and God brought her to us at just the right time. I will talk about her and the situation there in another post because I want to blog about how my life has changed as a result of her and I crossing paths the way we have.
 I'm on the verge of relapse to my eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia) and I'm fighting that with all that I have. I'm strong in a lot of areas (and am just older so a little wiser in some ways) where Gracie isn't and I help her there..... she is strong in a lot of ways where I am not and I get support from her there. However, between Keagen fighting her ED in a treatment center and Gracie fighting her demons here..... I've gained more strength towards fighting my drug addiction. I HATE this addiction. I'm tired of living like I live. I'm tired of hiding and not having any life at all. Right now, I want to purge all my emotions onto my computer screen and uh, the words just aren't there. I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, paralyzed by the fear of living a life without drugs. I'm going to go to a rehab center very soon. We are scheduled to go to Disney World in the beginning of April so right after that, I'm going to rehab. I am excited to go but scared to death.
P.S. I'm very sorry to those who I haven't kept in touch with.... Barbara, I still pray for your boys..... I know their pain. I do..... omg, I do. The pain is so real and I can only imagine your pain. Thanks, everyone, for your support.... keep onto me about going to rehab..... I cannot back out..... it will end my life if I do......Gracie said something to me the other day that stuck with me.... I was talking about how I could meet her needs and she said one thing I need to do is to get clean cuz it would tear her world apart if anything happened to me. That hits home. I really want to get clean.....
Please God help me.....

Suffering in Silence

I am forcing myself to blog today. It's been a couple weeks at least. A lot of things have changed around here. It's actually pretty good. I have a friend living here who needs help and then I met a girl through her and have become friends w/ her pretty quickly. Jess and Gracie are their names. I love them both and see so much strength in them that it has actually given me what I needed to finally decide to fight this god-awful addiction that I deal with 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. I listened to a song yesterday that really choked me up. It's a song I used to listen to for hours on end....Cry out to Jesus by Third Day. There is a line in there about addictions and the guilt and shame and chains. Gosh, it hits it right on the head. Um, is that how you say that? Yea, you know what I mean. I'm suffering inside.... really suffering and I'm trying to do it in silence. At least I have been. I sleep a lot of the time. A LOT of the time. To the point where I have been abusing Benadryl.... yes BENADRYL.... this is getting bad because the overdosing on Benadryl has affected me already.... I think I may have had minor seizures... I'm not sure, but something happened last week and it wasn't anything I was taking before I started taking benadryl.
Anyway, this is the plan. We are going to Disney (yes, again YAY!) Oh, and this is a big dream of Jess and Gracie.... and Im so excited to be able to do this for them... they deserve it.... big time. So anyway, back to my plan. I plan on going to rehab (it's a place called Bradford and it's in Alabama... but thanks to Tricare my options have been pretty limited.... but this seems to be an alright place.... never know til ya try!) right after Disney.... immediately after Disney.

This is the situation. For those who don't know everything, I started dabbling in pain pills in December of 1999 when I had my first bout with kidney stones. At that point, I realized "wow I can get high from a pill a dr gives me" but after months of doing it, I realized I was addicted and I came off of them when a great military family took me in and nursed me back to health (mind you, I was also battling a severe eating disorder and weighing only 89 lbs at the time) and helped me get a job and get back on my feet. But in 2001, my world was turned upside down when I broke my neck and soonafter, ruptured a disc in my neck. 2 years later, I ruptured another disc and have been dealing with chronic pain ever since. That same year, I lost my dad to alcoholism and my will to fight became pretty much non-existent. I don't know how I existed that year... that's ALL i did was exist and pop pills.  I have also had multiple other surgeries (knee, gall bladder, you name it). So I have had my share of pain pills over the years and have been guilty of doctor shopping and prescription fraud and all that. Like I said in another post, I have overcome an addiction to crack, have beat an eating disorder and yet, these pills have a hold on me like no other I have ever experienced. I have been in pain management since June of 2008. Then I was in a horrible car accident in Feb of 2009. Things only got worse. My husband deals with chronic pain too because of an old injury from when he was in the Navy. So you can see where this is going, I'm sure.... (if you're as insightful as I am... haha). He got into pain management back in October. Anyway, let me back up a second.... we were getting ready to go on a LONG road trip to Louisville to surprise my lil sister and then up to Chicago and we had planned on seeing other friends from my hometown but that didn't pan out like I wanted it to. I wasn't real happy about that, but life happens. I was happy to see my oldest friend though (not old as in old but yea, Heidi, we ARE getting old you know, haha.... no, old as in the longest anyone has remained friends with me.... Heidi, you get the prize.... you have no idea what you have added to my life.... no idea... maybe I should tell you more.... ) but anyway.... I was waiting for my monthly Rx of pain meds before we could leave on our trip.... so the morning I was scheduled to get them... I get a call from the Nurse.... I thought.... ok cool my meds are ready we can go now..... instead I get the shock of a lifetime... they put my name into the  Virginia Narcotics Monitoring System..... wow... big oops. They had a record of absolutely every Rx I had gotten from the time I started pain mgmt. Of course no addict can actually allow the amount of pain meds they are given to last a whole month, so I did what any addict will do and I dr shopped. No, I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying that's what we addicts do and I'm ashamed of it. But I'm trying to face up to it. I really am. It's killing me inside like no addiction has ever done.  So anyway, I got kicked out. Big surprise there. Ok not. So anyway, like I was saying my husband was in pain management until I got him to get me pain meds (don't blame him... he has been between a rock and a hard place because he hates to see me in pain but he hates to see me deal with addiction too.) So yea, he got a letter a few days ago that said he was being discharged from the practice for getting multiple Rx's from other doctors. Big surprise there. We have a total of another month's worth of pain meds and I've pretty much burned all my bridges in Hampton Roads so it's time. It is simply time to face up to this and deal with it head on. I finally broke down this morning over it. I could get more pain meds today from my foot doctor (I just had foot surgery about a month ago) because he is the most naive doctor on the face of the earth. No lie, I outright walked into his office and straight up ASKED for a narcotic by name, strength and dosage. Roxy 30's 4 times a day I told him.... and he said ok and wrote the script... .I was like, are you kidding... I wonder how many other addictions you have facilitated. Yea, I know.... I have to take responsibility but some drs are just plain dumb. Anyway SIX weeks after my foot surgery, he is STILL giving me Roxy 30's. I am sure that will only last for so long, but I am astounded it has lasted THIS long. Basically I have some meds to get me through Disney and then we are out and I'm ready. I'm tired..... really tired. Emotionally.... I cannot suffer in silence anymore..... I need y'all's support. I really do. I started preparing myself for this a couple months ago..... and I haven't meant to lead anyone on.... I'm sure if you haven't experienced addiction, you expected this to be done and over by now....not me having not even begun a rehab yet.... there is just a lot emotionally that I have to deal with before I can take that on.... because this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.... and I don't say that flippantly ...... i'm done suffering in silence.

Miracle or Coincidence?

This morning, I just wanted to share an article I published in Guideposts a few years ago. I hope you enjoy.


I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately. It's been seven years ago this month that I lost him to alcoholism. One thing I learned that morning was that the pain of death is a pain like no other. At this point in my life, I was already at rock bottom as I was hopelessly addicted to pain pills, having broken my neck only a year prior and wanted to just die. Well apparently you can go lower than rock bottom. I somehow managed to. I learned one more thing that week in February 2003.  God ALWAYS meets us where we are and if you're lower than rock bottom, He'll meet you there too!

So, here's my story....

I was living in Dallas at the time and was miserable as miserable could be. I was so mad at God already. He had taken enough from me and now He was going to take my dad too? I don't even know how I existed for those few months that my dad was in and out of the hospital dying from the very thing that was killing me inside--addiction. I had completely lost my faith in God and eventually, I told God that if He took my dad, I was going to "go" too and that was exactly my plan. I bought a plane ticket to Phoenix for something like 2 weeks later. But then a couple days later, I got a phone call from the hospital saying that my dad was in a coma and was not expected to live much longer. I packed my stuff immediately and hit the road. I was going to go through with my plan but I was going to go see my dad first so I got on the road about 10 pm on a Friday night. Driving through darkness, literally and spiritually, I cried out to God. I told Him I was sorry for having lost my faith in Him and begged Him to keep my dad here long enough for me to see him first.

About 3 a.m. in the middle of nowhere, Texas, I was on the phone with a friend who was trying to keep me awake when all of the sudden, I hit something HUGE in the road. I screamed in fear! I got off the phone, pulled over, got out and realized I had hit a coyote. My front end was steaming pretty good. I was terrified! I had NO idea where I was. I began crying and begging God to help me. I decided that He was pretty much all I had to hang onto at this point. (Maybe that was His plan?) I finally got it together enough to call 911 who directed me to the police dept in the area where I was located. I had a hard time telling them where I was b/c all I knew was I was on a dark highway in the middle of nowhere. God knew where I was though and eventually two policemen showed up behind me. Those blue lights had never been so reassuring in my life!

I was so scared! I had NO money. I was all alone. How would my car get fixed? Where would I stay? WHO would take care of me???? Would I ever see my dad again???

The policeman asked me where I was going and tried to calm me down enough for me to explain my situation. He told me not to worry and that he would see to it that I was safe. That made me feel a little better, but what about my dad?? Would I see him again??? I thought I was having a nervous breakdown at this point. The one policeman sat with me and tried to calm me as the other policeman was on the phone with a tow company. He came back a few minutes later and said someone was on the way to tow my car and that the police dept would put me up in a hotel while my car got fixed. The guy from the tow truck company got there soonafter and after finding out my situation, that my dad was dying and I was trying to get there before he died, he said he'd fix my car himself the next morning (even though his shop wasn't open on weekends) and he would have me back on the road asap. The next morning, he called me at my hotel room and said he would have to go to Abilene, which was 3 hours away, to get the part needed for my car and that he was on his way. I couldnt' believe this guy was doing all of this for me. He said he was only going to charge me for the parts themselves which actually wasn't much compared to what it would have been with labor costs.

About 10 hours later, my car was fixed. He called me and said he was on his way to the hotel to pick me up. I was back on the road by 9 pm Saturday night. I was in Phoenix by 6 a.m. or so Sunday morning. I rushed to the hospital and saw my dad in the coma. I cried to him, talked to him, told him all about the mishaps of my trip, and told him I wasn't ready for him to go but that I was glad he waited for me at least. At this point, I had had just a few hours of sleep since Friday but I needed to stay by his side all day on Sunday. Finally that night it hit me though. I needed sleep. About 10:00 that night, my little brother (15 at the time) stood on one side of him holding his hand, and I stood on the other side, and we prayed to God that He would give us one more chance to communicate with our daddy. That night before I went to sleep, I cried out to God like I hadn't done in a very long time. It wasn't until that moment, too, that I realized God had sent those two policemen to me as well as the towtruck/mechanic guy. Coincidence? I hardly think so! I asked His forgiveness for losing faith in Him and thanked Him for coming through for me even though I had pretty much abandoned Him. Not two seconds thereafter, I then fell asleep.

Around 6 a.m. the next morning, I got a call from the hospital saying that my dad was awake, moving, and talking! The doctor got on the phone with me and said medically my dad should not be awake and they couldn't explain it but that I'd better get up there and see him. So I jumped out of bed, went and took my little brother out of school and rushed to the hospital. Yes, my dad was communicating. He was talking with what little strength he had left, and he was sitting up. It was really amazing. I looked up and I said "Thanks, God." Westley (my little brother) and I looked at each other and knew God had heard and answered our prayer from the night before. As the day went on, we reminisced about good times, laughed together and cried together. But as time passed, his strength became less and less. I'll never forget the kiss that he struggled so hard to blow my way as I left the room for a minute. I couldn't stand to leave his side that night, but my own strength was fading as well (mind you, I was still heavily addicted to narcotics and ate absolutely nothing, weighing only 98 lbs at the time) so I had to get some sleep. Around 7 the next morning, the hospital called again and said my dad had taken a turn for the worse in the middle of the night. Again I rushed to the hospital with Westley and my dad was back in a coma. He took his last breath at 8:20 that morning.

I would never have spoken with my dad again had it not been for God sending just the right ppl into my life that night. At best, had I gone with any other mechanic, I would have gotten to Phoenix on Tuesday night or Wednesday and my dad died Tuesday morning.

Miracle or Coincidence?

I'd say it was a MIRACLE that saved my life because it kept me from going through with my plan to end my life with all those pills. Yes, God always meets us where we are. He met me in the middle of the night at 3 in the morning in the middle of nowhere, Texas on a dark and scary highway. It led me to reach out to God for help and that's exactly what I did. And, as such, I have conquered countless demons in my life that undoubtedly had me defeated prior. Currently, I'm up against probably the fiercest battle I've ever fought, but one thing I do know: God is much bigger than any battle or war any of us could imagine fighting and the cool thing is, He's on MY side! 

Not Today

Everyday I wake up and I ask myself, "is this the day when I will finally give up? And the answer has been the same ever since I started asking myself the question. Not today" Not today.

Ever? Will I ever give up? Apparently it's not in me to just quit. Nah, I've been through too much to quit now. But what next? I can't live with this god-forsaken addiction anymore. Something has to give. I sit up at night and watch the clock from 2 a.m. til I pass out sometimes around 7 or 8 a.m. It's miserable and it's lonely. I have laid in bed for several days at a time until my back could no longer take being plastered to a mattress. So I'd get up and walk around the house, trying to make myself useful for a day or so until my back recovered and then I'd lay in bed for another few days. It's no way to live, really. I just exist from day to day with no real purpose. I lie alone with my thoughts everyday and what goes on inside my head on a day to day basis is enough to drive anyone insane. I'm surprised I'm not there, yet. Even simple daily living skills are huge chores to me anymore.

So, what's it going to take? Have I not hit rock bottom yet? I once beat an addiction to crack, but that was only a 6 to 8 month ordeal. Now talk about rock bottom. That was it, definitely. Homeless, living on the streets, doing everything that goes against my moral values just to get my drug each day. I'll revisit that year in another blog post. I've beaten an eating disorder addiction. That was about a 5 year battle but I did it. I overcame. But when narcotic pain killers got a hold of my life, they took all control away from me. I have no control over my life. I've lost it, completely. These pills are the devil yet they are my best friend. What is it about them that I can't seem to let go? Part of it is the pain I experience from day to day, but most of it is not. Most of it is a psychological addiction that I just can't seem to conquer. I simply don't know how to live life without these pills. They don't even give me the pleasure of making me high anymore. So it's not that. What the hell is the problem then? I can't seem to pinpoint it. YET. I am determined though. I will find the trigger and I will kill it with every everlasting bit of rage I have in me. It will NOT survive once I find it. So tomorrow.... I will ask myself again....

"Is today the day for me to give up? Um..... I might think for a minute.... but the answer will still be the same. Not today. Not today."