Fighting for both sides?

So let me preface my post with the lyrics from one of my favorite country songs.....

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
?Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting


Ok, so I've always been known for giving people the benefit of the doubt for much too long. Call me gullible, call me dumb, or call me someone who just has a good heart and believes in those for whom she cares. Well, I'm not the first because I generally know when I've "been had" or lied to although those lying to me don't always know that for awhile. I'm not the second. I'm just not. I'm actually fairly intelligent. So I guess it's the third one. But when it comes to a point where I begin to realize that my trust just isn't important to someone, why keep allowing myself to be subjected to emotional pain? Maybe I don't give people long enough to gain back my trust, so for that, maybe you can call me 'dumb.' I just know that anyone can change; I guess what I need to learn is that some just don't choose to. I also know that had a few people in my life not given ME the benefit of the doubt and took a chance on ME, I would NOT be where I am today. So I try to take that same chance on others. 


I think I'm learning something. Imagine that. Ok, so sometimes it takes me a little longer to learn than others, but hey, you can't say my heart hasn't been in the right place! So what am I learning? Well, while there have been others in my life who have been right there by my side the whole, and I mean the whole, time, there have also been others who came to a point in their own lives where they had to take a few steps back and love me from a distance. They could no longer be subjected to the emotional pain I was causing them by the horrible choices I was making. I always mistook that as them "giving up on me." I think I have a different perspective on that now. It was just that, without putting their own emotional well-being on the line, they could not continue to put the time and emotional energy in that it was requiring for them to invest in me on a day in-day out basis. They still loved me. They still wanted only the best for me. They still even believed in me; they just knew it was up to me to live up to my potential. Some chose to come back into my life at some point and some didn't; either way, it was their right but whichever choice they made, it didn't indicate their love for me either way. 


I am CONSTANTLY sticking up for people. Constantly fighting for them..... literally! I've gotten in several arguments over the last couple of weeks with people in my life about why so-n-so needs the benefit of the doubt, why so-n-so deserves another chance, why so-n-so is acting the way they are; i.e. they are going through a hard time, they haven't had any sleep in awhile, they are young, etc. Some deserve that voice.... and some, I keep telling myself they will eventually prove to me that they do. But occasionally I am the one to get proven a fool. Tonight was one of those nights.


So I find myself fighting for "both sides," if you will. I'm fighting inside to know how to handle this one. I'm fighting inside to want to continue to "be there" in a very close way and I'm fighting to want to protect myself now. I am now faced with having to make a huge and unbearable choice. I have those closest to me (and who often know what's best for me when I don't) pulling me in one direction, along with the unbearable fear of a load of regret, and I have my heart pulling me in another direction. The problem is my head is not with my heart on this one so I'm not sure which way to go, which side to fight for. All I know is the emotional turmoil boiling inside from the whole mess I've gotten myself into here is causing me to want to use for the mere sake of numbing the pain. I haven't yet though. Not yet. But I won't either. I have fought too hard to get this far and I won't compromise it on this one. God it's so flippen hard though!!!