Grieving and learning about God's Grace....

God knows I want some pills tonight..... I thought this would get easier, not harder..... I don't know what I would do w/o my sponsor right now.... I keep saying she was God-sent b/c I truly believe that..... w/o God's strength right now (cuz mine is empty) I would be out searching for pills right now. Why am I grieving something that has done so much damage to my life? I feel like I lost my best friend...... like someone died! The anxiety is getting harder and harder to deal with and I used Ativan for a couple weeks to deal with it but God knows I can't keep doing that or I will end up with a Benzo addiction and I can't even go there cuz the withdrawals from those are even more dangerous than the ones from the narcotic pills, so I hear or have seen in detox centers..... besides, I don't want to depend on a pill to get me through the day. What the heck is it about a pill that is so appealing to me? I don't understand. It got to the point to where they didn't make me high lonnnnnnnng time ago so I don't get what it was about them that I just HAD to have...... the ativan helped the anxiety but I could control them..... I didn't have to do more than necessary (more than prescribed) in order to feel like I had enough...... but I'm sure it would get to that point if I continued them so I haven't gone back for anymore.... part of it is the pain I'm still in from my nice little red flag ocean escapade..... but a lot of this if not most is psychological I know...... I went out of town.... yea I think I said that in my last post.... and I did the meeting my sponsor told me to do and I did so again tonight which I did NOT want to do..... and I shared, which God knows is so hard for me to do...... it's uncomfortable..... but sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations/positions in order to get ahead in life....  getting out of our comfort zones I guess is what I'm talking about here..... maybe that's what I'm dealing with..... maybe I'm answering my own questions as I blog..... sometimes that happens.... sometimes that's why blogging helps..... but yea so anyway, I'm struggling like hell tonight and God knows I need more strength..... but somehow, some way, I'm keeping myself from going out searching for pills..... so maybe I have the strength from Him that I need and I just want the struggle to go away.......

Ok so I just read 2 Corinthians 12..... 7-9 says "There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I have heard that verse and loved it for so long but I didn't remember where it was.... I just opened up and started reading 2 Cor 12..... yep, God always meets us where we are..... maybe He's telling me I have the strength I need from Him and through my own weakness, God will and can use me to help others? I don't know, but it does remind me of one of my favorite songs by Matthew West..... the lyrics are here:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.


So what I got out of this blog is this. God's grace is enough for me. I have all that I need through Him. I will make it yet through another night without pills b/c I don't need them. I only need God and His grace is sufficient for me..... for the next 5 minutes and the 5 minutes after that.... and so on......

Cry out to Jesus

So it's been about a week or so since I blogged. Right now I'm riding down the road to who knows where..... just spending some time with my husband alone which I have not been able to do in so long..... life just has a way of getting in the way of things like that sometimes......   I really wish he had different hours at work cuz they suck as far as getting to see him very much..... anyway.... I just went to the most redneck-ish NA meeting I've ever been to..... but my sponsor said that even though I was going out of town I was to find a meeting and go to it..... so I did and it was interesting and different but you just never know what you're going to hear at a meeting that may help..... cuz I believe that God always meets us where we are..... and He did tonight..... the phrase "surrender to God" was mentioned and it got my brain going pretty good...... as if my brain doesn't move fast enough..... then I got in the car and the first song I heard was "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day..... great song, by the way, if you haven't heard it.... you tube it.... it's pretty amazing words.... anyway...... I'm struggling more than ever right now..... it feels like I'm struggling more NOW than I did in the first 2 or 3 weeks of recovery..... I didn't expect that at all. I mean seriously, I did NOT expect this to be this hard since I was doing so well in the beginning. Well, last week, I injured myself pretty good because I didn't listen to my body's limits..... if you follow my blog, you know I suffer from chronic pain and neck crap..... well I went to the beach and it was a red flag day..... I thought, I have an inner tube so I'll be alright... it won't throw me around too much...... FYI, red flag means you will be hurting for the next few days no matter WHO you are or what you suffer from or don't suffer from. At least in the ocean it means that. So anyway, I was at my limit..... I was above my limit for pain about 2 days afterwards and I allowed myself to stay that way b/c I was so afraid that if I got anything, it would be considered a failure and/or relapse..... so for about 24 hours I stayed in that pain and I thought I was gonna die..... I didn't know how I would make it.... I wanted to just suffer through it and wait for it to end but I couldn't so I talked to several ppl including my sponsor and they all reassured me it would not be a failure or a relapse if I got something for that pain..... it was obvious and w/ the injury I had (aka taking a few head dives into the sand when the waves threw me upside down in my tube) that I was above my limit with pain. And that was the ONLY reason I needed something. I was surprised at how well I did with the pills. I only got enough for a couple of days and I actually took them as prescribed. It said every 4-6 hours and I actually waited the 6 hours instead of watching the clock and waiting for the 4 hour mark. I did so well with them. And when they were gone, I was fine with that, my pain had subsided and I did just fine. Now 2 days later, God KNOWS I want some more pills..... I just talked to my sponsor (whom I love to death and was definitely God-sent) and I asked her..... why am I struggling so much more NOW than I did in the beginning..... In the first 2 or 3 weeks I was gung-ho and ready for recovery.... but now I just want to go back to the pills...... I'm definitely "white knuckling" it..... I won't turn back.... I just can't...... and she said to me something I have never heard....she said "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle" so between hearing about surrendering to God.... Crying out to Jesus... and not quitting 5 minutes before the miracle.... I'm doing this one day at a time.... in fact, I'm actually doing this 5 minutes at a time cuz God knows I want some pills..... but the truth is that if I go back, I'll die in my addiction..... I've escaped death so many times..... but I'm NOT invincible like I once thought I was..... and I've been blessed to have my life saved more than once when it comes to accidents and overdoses...... So tonight I'm crying out to Jesus to get me through the next 5 minutes....... thanks to all who support me everyday..... I need you more than you know!