Reflecting into the past

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cry out to Jesus

So it's been about a week or so since I blogged. Right now I'm riding down the road to who knows where..... just spending some time with my husband alone which I have not been able to do in so long..... life just has a way of getting in the way of things like that sometimes......   I really wish he had different hours at work cuz they suck as far as getting to see him very much..... anyway.... I just went to the most redneck-ish NA meeting I've ever been to..... but my sponsor said that even though I was going out of town I was to find a meeting and go to it..... so I did and it was interesting and different but you just never know what you're going to hear at a meeting that may help..... cuz I believe that God always meets us where we are..... and He did tonight..... the phrase "surrender to God" was mentioned and it got my brain going pretty good...... as if my brain doesn't move fast enough..... then I got in the car and the first song I heard was "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day..... great song, by the way, if you haven't heard it.... you tube it.... it's pretty amazing words.... anyway...... I'm struggling more than ever right now..... it feels like I'm struggling more NOW than I did in the first 2 or 3 weeks of recovery..... I didn't expect that at all. I mean seriously, I did NOT expect this to be this hard since I was doing so well in the beginning. Well, last week, I injured myself pretty good because I didn't listen to my body's limits..... if you follow my blog, you know I suffer from chronic pain and neck crap..... well I went to the beach and it was a red flag day..... I thought, I have an inner tube so I'll be alright... it won't throw me around too much...... FYI, red flag means you will be hurting for the next few days no matter WHO you are or what you suffer from or don't suffer from. At least in the ocean it means that. So anyway, I was at my limit..... I was above my limit for pain about 2 days afterwards and I allowed myself to stay that way b/c I was so afraid that if I got anything, it would be considered a failure and/or relapse..... so for about 24 hours I stayed in that pain and I thought I was gonna die..... I didn't know how I would make it.... I wanted to just suffer through it and wait for it to end but I couldn't so I talked to several ppl including my sponsor and they all reassured me it would not be a failure or a relapse if I got something for that pain..... it was obvious and w/ the injury I had (aka taking a few head dives into the sand when the waves threw me upside down in my tube) that I was above my limit with pain. And that was the ONLY reason I needed something. I was surprised at how well I did with the pills. I only got enough for a couple of days and I actually took them as prescribed. It said every 4-6 hours and I actually waited the 6 hours instead of watching the clock and waiting for the 4 hour mark. I did so well with them. And when they were gone, I was fine with that, my pain had subsided and I did just fine. Now 2 days later, God KNOWS I want some more pills..... I just talked to my sponsor (whom I love to death and was definitely God-sent) and I asked her..... why am I struggling so much more NOW than I did in the beginning..... In the first 2 or 3 weeks I was gung-ho and ready for recovery.... but now I just want to go back to the pills...... I'm definitely "white knuckling" it..... I won't turn back.... I just can't...... and she said to me something I have never heard....she said "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle" so between hearing about surrendering to God.... Crying out to Jesus... and not quitting 5 minutes before the miracle.... I'm doing this one day at a time.... in fact, I'm actually doing this 5 minutes at a time cuz God knows I want some pills..... but the truth is that if I go back, I'll die in my addiction..... I've escaped death so many times..... but I'm NOT invincible like I once thought I was..... and I've been blessed to have my life saved more than once when it comes to accidents and overdoses...... So tonight I'm crying out to Jesus to get me through the next 5 minutes....... thanks to all who support me everyday..... I need you more than you know!