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Reflecting into the past

Thursday, December 2, 2010

3rd Night of Insomnia

Wow 2 months w/o a post!  I appreciate all the support I can get and I know I get a lot from my blog b/c there are fellow addicts I may never meet that can so relate to where I am, where I have been, and many who have a lot of hope to offer because you are further down the road of recovery than myself. So here goes.....

It's been a hard few months to say the least. I fell into a pretty deep black hole, dug out of it somehow and landed right back in it again not too soon after. I'm now digging out of it once again. I had somehow managed to make it to about 142 days sober. And let me clarify, when I say sober, I mean w/o ABUSING drugs of any kind. I had actually made it 100 days w/o using a narcotic of any kind at all, but then I did a REALLY stupid thing and went whitewater rafting and have had a new lower back (sciatic nerve) problem in addition to the chronic cervical spine problems I deal with ever since. I tried and GOD KNOWS I tried to make it w/o a pain pill of any sort, but a person can only take so much. So I do *occasionally* get something for the pain, but it is very controlled and the really cool thing was that my tolerance to the pain meds dropped quite a bit more than I had ever expected it would. However, that also led to my downfall.

This is a really hard time of year for me anyway because I'm naturally in more pain during the colder months (physical) but I also deal with more depression and some years are harder than others, but this year has been for some reason tremendously hard for me in missing my dad. He died from alcoholism a few years ago and it seems just like yesterday sometimes. I think this year it might be so much harder because I so BADLY want to talk to my dad about my pain and the addiction combination because he would understand more than anyone I know, as he had his own addiction to pain killers and lived in chronic pain from 2 hip replacements at a very early age. People say you can still talk to him, blah blah blah..... but I sometimes wonder if it's something people say to try and make you feel better. I wonder if he can really hear me. I don't know and I don't pretend to understand that whole side to life and death. I do believe he is with Jesus and I'm happy he isn't suffering anymore but God do I miss him!!!!! It's during this month and next that I watched him live his last 2 months in and out of a hospital w/ very little hope of survival. The thing is, he had quit drinking almost 8 months before he even got so sick enough to be put in the hospital and I thought my dad would be one of those recovering alcoholics that would have so much hope to share w/ other addicts/alcoholics. My heart hurts and aches like no other ache.... there just isn't any other like it! Although, I haven't had to bear losing a child and I can't even imagine what that would be like and I hope to never have to, but losing a parent at only age 24 isn't too easy either. I'm 32 now and I need him now more than ever!

You might say if I'm so "spiritual" why not just talk to God about it and be at peace with it? It's not just that easy, really. Of course, I talk to God about it and I know He hears me of course! But sometimes, it doesn't exactly dull that ache that I'm talking about and I need it to! So that's where I'm at. I went out and sang karaoke the other night. It's one of my favorite stress relievers. I absolutely love to do it and it makes me feel closer to my dad in a way because although I will NEVER be as talented as he was musically, I do have it in me a little bit, especially on instruments, but I sometimes sing for my dad and it brings me comfort. That's just what I needed the other night and it really helped, but I can't afford to do it all the time so I do it when I can.

Onto something else, I am having these constant headaches and I just want to flippen scream sometimes. By the way, I didn't mention that my relapse was very short-lived (about 4 days b/c I got ahold of some narcs w/o giving over the control of them to my husband as I should have) but I wonder if I was set on a relapse somehow. I wonder if I felt like such a failure, even w/ all that I had accomplished thus far regarding recovery, but because I could NOT pull myself out of this black hole, I felt useless and I just wanted the pain to go away. I honestly don't know, to be honest because I barely even remember getting them to begin with and I don't remember abusing them at all, but I do know that I did because I did things VERY out of character for myself during this time, as I was told. It makes me feel like I am literally losing my mind because I remember NONE of it, including GETTING the narcs and getting them filled or anything! Yea, I'm ashamed and feel like a total screw up for all of it but I quickly bounced back and although I will still occasionally have to use a LIMITED amount of pain pills (I've tried, I can't get around it.... I really am in too much physical pain that my physical activity is almost down to nothing anymore) And honestly, I've asked myself over and over "is this just an excuse to use pills for the emotional pain? It's something I honestly answer to God for everytime I take A pill..... yes, A pill.... not 7, 8, 10 pills at a time like it was before...... and I push myself far before I will require something. So I really have done great with recovery aside from those 4 days of I don't know WHAT the heck happened to me.... I prefer to pretend it didn't happen but I can't. It did and I hate that it did but I have to forgive myself and move on. God has.

So there ya have it..... that's where I REALLY am..... and that's how I'm REALLY doing...... now i'm hoping that since I've blogged and gotten all of this off my chest that maybe God will give me THREE hours of sleep before I have to be up? Seriously, these insomniac phases never turn out well for me emotionally..... going on 50 hours now..... grrr

Friday, October 8, 2010

This and That

So it's been about 3 weeks since I've blogged. The truth is, I've been in a fog and a severe depression for the past 3 weeks or so. I simply haven't wanted to face reality, period. Right now, reality sucks. I want no part of it. What I DO want is drugs. What I DO want is to make the past go away. What I DO want is to live a "normal" life and not to feel like I have to "pretend" everything is okay when it's just simply NOT! I'm tired of the fact that I can tell someone something til I'm blue in the face (the truth) when the simple fact of it is that people are going to believe what they want or choose to believe. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong for everyone else when the truth is I can't even be strong for myself right now. I'm hanging on by a thread and not too much longer and that thread's going to break. Am I smart enough to know that I should hurry and hang onto something else other than the thread that's about to break before people lose me altogether? Sure, I am..... do I have the emotional strength to do so? That's a different story. I don't know right now. I just don't know. Do I even know HOW to change that by which I'm hanging? I don't know the answer to that either! God knows I've TRIED. For someone who hates the word "try" and "can't", i'm sure using those words a lot lately. God knows how many times I've been suicidal in the past 3 weeks. Only He knows. I don't have it in me to simply end my life on my own, so why tell anyone? I'm not in any danger so why worry those around me? It's not like they can't see that I'm clearly depressed anyway. It's painfully obvious. When did my depression start this time? It started when a bunch of changes took place in my life (not good or bad, just change, period) and then very soon after, I hurt my lower back and I've been in more pain than I've been in in a long time, and then I guess reality set in that I would have to finally face my painful past w/o the use of pills. That reality isn't settling too well with me.
I'm missing my dad like crazy. I wish so bad that he were here and that I could talk to him about the pain and struggle with pain and addiction combined.... he would understand..... I was too little to remember, but I know that my dad struggled with addiction to pain pills at one time in his life after having his hip replacements..... and I remember him warning me not to get into pills when I first started on them b/c I had kidney stones.... but I had no idea what he really meant..... well I do now. Sometimes I'll go to an AA meeting and I'll get so angry that all these alcoholics made it out alive but that my dad had to be taken away from me b/c of the SOB alcohol..... it's so not fair. What I would give to sit next to him and listen to him play his guitar which he was so amazingly good at. The man could sing like none other..... he sounded a lot like waylon jennings..... he was just amazing. I miss him so much. I want to come out of this addiction alive and make him proud of me. It sure is a lot harder than I thought it would be.......

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Lost

I feel so lost right now. I still haven't used. In other words, I'm still sober. I have taken a pill twice for very severe pain but I left it at that. I wish right now that I were back on them full time..... I want them right now for emotional pain. I want to hide behind those pills again. I have nothing to hide behind anymore and it hurts dammit! It hurts so bad. I'm trying to lean on God... He's all I have left, and I know that He's all I need, but then why does it hurt so bad? At least on pills, it didn't hurt quite as bad (until I ran out!).
There is so much change going on in my life.... and once again, I feel so alone. I have one person moving in, then another person moving in (both with significant issues) and then those two don't get along so I was always stuck in the middle of a bunch of drama.... then one person goes away for two weeks and the other has a nervous breakdown and finally decides she needs treatment (good for her, I'm proud of her!) and ends up leaving the day before the other girl comes back...... this person going, that person coming, all the drama, always being in the middle, trying to find recovery from a pill addiction..... it's all throwing me for a loop and depression is trying to make it's home in my life and I can't seem to find the strength to kick it out this time.
I feel like a stranger in my own house now because the girl living here doesn't even know me at all. I've been accused of doing things I just don't do. I know it's all her insecurity and I can't own those things because they are her problem, not mine. But it still hurts. I feel just as alone as I did before anyone moved in at all. I just want my husband. I hate that he works such crazy hours. I feel like I'm slipping away. Am I suicidal? The thought is certainly there..... will I do something crazy? I don't think so.... I just want the pain to stop, both emotional and physical...... I just want someone to know me for who I am and not make up all this crap about me that isn't true. I just want people to be there when they say they are going to be there......
Right now, I just want pills! Tired of fighting..... i'm so drained..... I'm just tired... and lost.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Bear Hunting?

Ok so I'm in the mountains.... and I want to go bear hunting..... no one wants to go with me so maybe i'll just take an adventure by myself....... what I'm really after today is pills like I've never been before and I'm about to abuse anything in sight..... so I'm kinda trying to take my mind off of things and what better way to do so than to go bear hunting? There is so much more to this post that needs to be said because I'm just in one of those moods and I need something..... I'm flipping out...... I really thought this would get easier but it's not.... it's getting harder.... I was in a meeting the other night where a guy shared the exact same thing I was feeling so it made me feel like I wasn't so alone. But that doesn't make it any easier!!!! My sponsor is great and she helps but she can't be with me 24/7. It really is all up to me...... but one thing she told me is that when she finished reading my "step one" which was her assignment to me to write as long as I needed to write until I could convince myself that I KNEW that my life was unmanageable and that I was powerless over my addiction and she needed me to write HOW i knew so. Well I did..... it took twelve pages and I plan to share it on here.... when I get the energy to do so..... I actually have the energy right now but am too darn anxious and bored and flipping out to sit here much longer than 5 minutes.... so for now this is my post....... my Step One to follow... in the next post.......

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Grieving and learning about God's Grace....

God knows I want some pills tonight..... I thought this would get easier, not harder..... I don't know what I would do w/o my sponsor right now.... I keep saying she was God-sent b/c I truly believe that..... w/o God's strength right now (cuz mine is empty) I would be out searching for pills right now. Why am I grieving something that has done so much damage to my life? I feel like I lost my best friend...... like someone died! The anxiety is getting harder and harder to deal with and I used Ativan for a couple weeks to deal with it but God knows I can't keep doing that or I will end up with a Benzo addiction and I can't even go there cuz the withdrawals from those are even more dangerous than the ones from the narcotic pills, so I hear or have seen in detox centers..... besides, I don't want to depend on a pill to get me through the day. What the heck is it about a pill that is so appealing to me? I don't understand. It got to the point to where they didn't make me high lonnnnnnnng time ago so I don't get what it was about them that I just HAD to have...... the ativan helped the anxiety but I could control them..... I didn't have to do more than necessary (more than prescribed) in order to feel like I had enough...... but I'm sure it would get to that point if I continued them so I haven't gone back for anymore.... part of it is the pain I'm still in from my nice little red flag ocean escapade..... but a lot of this if not most is psychological I know...... I went out of town.... yea I think I said that in my last post.... and I did the meeting my sponsor told me to do and I did so again tonight which I did NOT want to do..... and I shared, which God knows is so hard for me to do...... it's uncomfortable..... but sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations/positions in order to get ahead in life....  getting out of our comfort zones I guess is what I'm talking about here..... maybe that's what I'm dealing with..... maybe I'm answering my own questions as I blog..... sometimes that happens.... sometimes that's why blogging helps..... but yea so anyway, I'm struggling like hell tonight and God knows I need more strength..... but somehow, some way, I'm keeping myself from going out searching for pills..... so maybe I have the strength from Him that I need and I just want the struggle to go away.......

Ok so I just read 2 Corinthians 12..... 7-9 says "There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I have heard that verse and loved it for so long but I didn't remember where it was.... I just opened up and started reading 2 Cor 12..... yep, God always meets us where we are..... maybe He's telling me I have the strength I need from Him and through my own weakness, God will and can use me to help others? I don't know, but it does remind me of one of my favorite songs by Matthew West..... the lyrics are here:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.



So what I got out of this blog is this. God's grace is enough for me. I have all that I need through Him. I will make it yet through another night without pills b/c I don't need them. I only need God and His grace is sufficient for me..... for the next 5 minutes and the 5 minutes after that.... and so on......

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cry out to Jesus

So it's been about a week or so since I blogged. Right now I'm riding down the road to who knows where..... just spending some time with my husband alone which I have not been able to do in so long..... life just has a way of getting in the way of things like that sometimes......   I really wish he had different hours at work cuz they suck as far as getting to see him very much..... anyway.... I just went to the most redneck-ish NA meeting I've ever been to..... but my sponsor said that even though I was going out of town I was to find a meeting and go to it..... so I did and it was interesting and different but you just never know what you're going to hear at a meeting that may help..... cuz I believe that God always meets us where we are..... and He did tonight..... the phrase "surrender to God" was mentioned and it got my brain going pretty good...... as if my brain doesn't move fast enough..... then I got in the car and the first song I heard was "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day..... great song, by the way, if you haven't heard it.... you tube it.... it's pretty amazing words.... anyway...... I'm struggling more than ever right now..... it feels like I'm struggling more NOW than I did in the first 2 or 3 weeks of recovery..... I didn't expect that at all. I mean seriously, I did NOT expect this to be this hard since I was doing so well in the beginning. Well, last week, I injured myself pretty good because I didn't listen to my body's limits..... if you follow my blog, you know I suffer from chronic pain and neck crap..... well I went to the beach and it was a red flag day..... I thought, I have an inner tube so I'll be alright... it won't throw me around too much...... FYI, red flag means you will be hurting for the next few days no matter WHO you are or what you suffer from or don't suffer from. At least in the ocean it means that. So anyway, I was at my limit..... I was above my limit for pain about 2 days afterwards and I allowed myself to stay that way b/c I was so afraid that if I got anything, it would be considered a failure and/or relapse..... so for about 24 hours I stayed in that pain and I thought I was gonna die..... I didn't know how I would make it.... I wanted to just suffer through it and wait for it to end but I couldn't so I talked to several ppl including my sponsor and they all reassured me it would not be a failure or a relapse if I got something for that pain..... it was obvious and w/ the injury I had (aka taking a few head dives into the sand when the waves threw me upside down in my tube) that I was above my limit with pain. And that was the ONLY reason I needed something. I was surprised at how well I did with the pills. I only got enough for a couple of days and I actually took them as prescribed. It said every 4-6 hours and I actually waited the 6 hours instead of watching the clock and waiting for the 4 hour mark. I did so well with them. And when they were gone, I was fine with that, my pain had subsided and I did just fine. Now 2 days later, God KNOWS I want some more pills..... I just talked to my sponsor (whom I love to death and was definitely God-sent) and I asked her..... why am I struggling so much more NOW than I did in the beginning..... In the first 2 or 3 weeks I was gung-ho and ready for recovery.... but now I just want to go back to the pills...... I'm definitely "white knuckling" it..... I won't turn back.... I just can't...... and she said to me something I have never heard....she said "don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle" so between hearing about surrendering to God.... Crying out to Jesus... and not quitting 5 minutes before the miracle.... I'm doing this one day at a time.... in fact, I'm actually doing this 5 minutes at a time cuz God knows I want some pills..... but the truth is that if I go back, I'll die in my addiction..... I've escaped death so many times..... but I'm NOT invincible like I once thought I was..... and I've been blessed to have my life saved more than once when it comes to accidents and overdoses...... So tonight I'm crying out to Jesus to get me through the next 5 minutes....... thanks to all who support me everyday..... I need you more than you know!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

The struggle Continues

So I'm on day 35 without pills. I hate this. I'm in so much pain today all I want is a pill. It's like I'm grieving the death of my best friend. It hurts so much. Emotionally, physically..... everything.... it just hurts. I have been running around town since 10 this morning and now I gotta go back out again after just getting home. I'm going to an NA meeting... it's one that I really like and I met some really good people there that can help me through this. I got a sponsor and I feel like God sent her to me because she is so right for me. I love her so much already..... I just got off the phone with her and she has helped me stay clean so far. I am realizing though that I cannot replace my addiction with other addictions. Like Energy drinks..... people...... anything..... that's just my personality.. I need SOMEthing comforting...... so maybe I need to get addicted to God..... hey there's a concept.....

So the meeting was a bit emotional and I'll explain that tomorrow when I'm not so tired.... by the way, I started this post yesterday and now it is tonight and I'm finishing it...... I gave myself a "down day" and slept a lot and did a lot of other pain relief methods like Tiger Balm and my TENS unit and heating pads and such.... a couple of muscle relaxers were needed but I don't abuse those..... anyway, the day helped just to do nothing but relax and take care of ME...... so anyway I have more to say but I'm too tired but feeling positive about my recovery so that's a good note to end on I suppose..... Thanks to all who have supported me through this!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The power of "paying it forward"

Now, this phrase is obviously commonly used in certain situations and while it's been used in a certain situation involving a friend of mine and a business opportunity lately, the idea never hit me as much as it did today when I talked to a girl that I just met last night at an AA meeting. Today I am 24 days clean....... I did this..... no detox, no rehab, nothing, just going through the withdrawals at home and support from the family and friends that I have in my life. But no one stopped me from going and getting more pills. I chose to make that decision. The last three days have been some of the most stressful days of my life...... But because of my faith in God, I've gotten through it and I've gotten through it Clean and Sober. I've been in so much pain too which only makes the cravings worse.... the tension complicates my pain beyond no end. However, sometimes you just do what ya gotta do for those you love..... and that's what I TRY to do though I feel like I fail so often. Anyway, I decided after the whole ordeal yesterday at the hospital with my friend to walk into an AA meeting late cuz that's the best I could do..... and I had no idea what the topic was or anything when I walked in,.... the first thing I did when I walked in was raise my hand..... and I thought "oh crap I just raised my hand and I have NO idea what I'm going to say!!!" So basically I just shared my story a little bit and my clean time and the way I've gone about it this time, blah blah blah..... and I shared my struggle and my complete and total fear of even talking in front of 50+ people but I also said that if I was going to stay clean, I knew I was going to just have to "put myself out there" and not care what anyone thinks......  I talked about how I have NEVER followed the guidelines they give you in the Detox unit like going to AA/NA mtgs, getting a sponsor, working the "steps" blah blah blah...... NEVER..... and I still didn't this time but one thing I did do which has made all the difference in the world is that I reached out to God at my rock bottom.... and it's true .... God always meets us where we are cuz He met me one day when I had a bunch of pills still left in my pocket and in a second's time, I ran to the bathroom and flushed them. How in the world I had the strength to do THAT? uhhhh I didn't...... that was God..... totally God but I reached out to Him and He answered me when I called...... so basically these are the things I shared..... and somehow, they flowed so smoothly out of my mouth like there wasn't a single person in the room. Again,..... a GOD thing.... HELLO!! I just don't speak in front of people..... but uh I guess I do now,..... anyway, I admitted to wanting to try and do it the NA way (even though it was an AA meeting technically) the principles are all the same and they don't exclude God cuz they know we can't stay clean w/o Him! Some ppl's views might be different but I know mine and I cling to them!!! That's all I've been doing!!!  So anyway, I was amazed at the swarming of support I got in that room..... I felt loved, understood, appreciated for sharing, I felt rewarded and I felt healed to just one more degree....... it was amazing....... so this girl comes up to me afterwards and gives me her number and says I'll be your sponsor if you're willing to call me everyday. There are definitely expectations in this program which I'm not used to.... I'm used to doing things my OWN way but I'm going to follow what they have to say and see where it leads and let God lead me through it. So she shared her story with me and it was so similar it was unreal, only her "drug of choice" was alcohol..... I shared with her how I watched my dad die from alcohol and it was hard as hell..... and I commended her for her FIVE year sobriety... that number scares me...... 24 days has been the longest 24 days of my life.... at least in 11 years it has been..... so the thought of going a year or two or 5 or 7...... wow I can't wait..... I'm finally ready......

So anyway, I had to take something to my friend in the hospital tonight and while I was there, I asked if a certain nurse was working on the detox unit that I used to be on ..... I was pretty much a permanent resident there....... she knew me by name immediately..... I asked her if she had just a couple minutes to come downstairs and when I shared with her where I was... she cried .... it touched her heart and she said "if I have to work here 25 years to hear one success story like yours, then it's all worth it"...... I just had to thank her for all she had allowed me to put her through when I was on detox cuz she and I clashed big time when I was on the unit time after time..... I'm going to do the same with my favorite nurse tomorrow during her shift during the day........

So anyway, as I was talking to my now new sponsor... she was sharing her story about how when she overdosed on vicodin and alcohol a few years ago and was taken to a hospital there was this nice man who actually treated her like she had value and didn't look down on her or anything... just loved her and felt bad for her...... and someone asked her recently "have you ever thanked him?" and she said i don't even know who he is...... so she told me she wrote a letter describing herself, the date and the circumstance and sent it to that unit she was on and prayed it got into the right hands..... until this day she doesn't know if it did or not...... but regardless if HE saw it, someone did and maybe that will educate those in ER's that aren't so nice to "people like us" who have addictions..... we have value as much as anyone else and deserve to be treated as so..... and she just wanted him to know that he is probably the one that saved her life and why she is now 5 years clean...... I thought that was an amazing story..... it inspired me to "pay it forward" .... in more ways than one!!!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 22!!

Ok so this is the longest I've gone in 11 years...... 22 days..... I'm looking forward to going to an NA meeting and getting that 30 day keytag...... when i feel like giving up on recovery, which I do sometimes, I have to remember why I've held on for so long...... Why have I held on for so long? Because I WANT freedom..... screw addiction..... I no longer allow it to control my life.... do I need a kick in the @sss sometiems when I want to give in,... um, yep but sometimes that's what it takes..... but mostly, I've done this on my own with my faith in God... w/o His strength, I wouldn't be who I am, let alone drug free for 22 days......... it doesn't sound like much, but after 11 years, it's a long time for me and I even just spent 18 hours in the ER with a friend needing help..... was that hard as hell for me? YES!!! Because I knew dilaudid was everywhere and I could have done something to seek it out, but my focus was on helping a friend and that's where it needed to be. I made it though!!! I'm so proud of myself and that's hard for me to say........ I have a lot more to say (imagine that) but I realy gotta try to sleep..... because unfortunately, after 18 hours in the ER they could not help her and that pisses me off to know end.... just b/c she doesn't have health insurance.....and they couldn't tell us that in the first hour or two??????? Seriously? I was beyond livid at some points but then I changed my attitude after a good friend "got into my head" and suggested I kill 'em with kindness..... hey it worked!!! All of a sudden I had a very nice nurse saying "bless your heart" to me every 10 minutes. it was kinda funny but it felt good to be acknowledged for what I was doing even though that wasn't my REASON for doing it.....I'm just a good friend, what can I say...haha.... I've learned a lot from other friends though on how to be the right kind of friend with balance and that's what I'm working towards and apparently I'm "getting it" according to the girls in the house.... it's all a learning processs....... much easier to do drud free though!! I actually hve a clear head now minus the lack of sleep..... anyway we have to repeart the process at the Medical College of Virignia in Rchmond tomorrow. .. if that's how it hs to be then so be it......... ok my eyes are closing and I can't even see what Im typing...... one of my biggest pet peeves, mis-spelling and all that english stuff.... but im surei' messed up a lot.......

ok i seriously this ambien is messing wiht me.... i think it's time to go to sleep now!

Friday, July 23, 2010

So confused.......but hey I"m 20 days clean all ALL narcotics!!!!!!

Well I just made a huge post and for some reason my dog-gone blogger deleted it all.... gee It must not have been "positive" enough....... bottom line..... on a good note, I'm 20 days clean of all narcs today!!!!!! And I'm working on putting some balance in my life and a lot of ppl are getting hurt because of it..... I don't intend that.... I have the biggest heart and will do anything for anyone but I know that I must grow a lot stronger before I take much else on.......i just know God is my rock and I must depend on Him......and I"m working on that..... God knows I am!!

K so that was the shortest post I've made in awhile but grrrrrr and I had SO much more to say!! Imagine that!!! :-)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Telling God how I feel?

Ok so I just read Psalm 101 and 102. The writer in 102 is telling God how badly he feels.... he even says in one verse "I can't sleep!" .... gee, I know how that feels..... and it feels horrible... but sometimes I think God isn't really concerned with the little pity feelings that I have..... but that couldn't be further from the truth! He really wants us to talk to Him about how we feel.... and right now I'm angry that I have an addiction that I haven't yet seem to be able to beat... I'm angry that I had to give it up even! I'm grieving pills as dumb as that sounds...... there are so many crazy mixed feelings.... but it's good to know that I can tell them to God and He won't judge me or hold them against me... He will even understand them! The first half of the psalm (102) is the writer talking about how badly he feels.... and the last half of the Psalm is praising God..... it appears it made the writer feel much better after venting to God about his feelings...... this might be a very simple way to take my Bible reading.... but it's what I got tonight...... so I'm going to go lie down and just pray and tell God how I feel.... (even though He already knows.... )

God Help!!

Ok so the main withdrawals are over.... I think I said that a few days ago..... but these "post acute withdrawals" that the dr has told me about before but I have not waited long enough apparently to experience are killing me!!! I have the worst cramps in my legs I can't stand it. I just want some damn pills.  That's all I want right now. But I did a very good thing tonight that I have not done before. This dr that I have been able to get pills from for so long now..... well I knew that if he remained someone I could get pills from, it wouldn't be a good thing for me... especially on nights like tonight.... so unable to make the call myself, I at least said to my husband "please call Dr Vuolo and tell him we are done with pills and not to write us any more scripts for narcs ever again. I asked him that while we were still at Heidi's in Indiana a few days ago.... tonight I was tempted to call him so I said "have you called that dr yet? if not please do so immediately before I find myself relapsing once again" and he called then and there. So that's that.... no more foot dr giving me anything..... not roxy's, not lortabs, nothing..... I'm done with tramadol and everything.... the only thing I'll probably take from here on out are muscle relaxers for my neck occasionally..... I can handle these.... I need SOMEthing..... the fact that I'm done taking pills doesn't just mean my physical pain has gone away.... it's still there and it's there something fierce today..... right now, all I can do is walk around this hotel room until my legs stop hurting so badly because I can't even lie in the bed and stay still for more than 3 seconds.... if even that long..... so all I can do is walk around and pray.... I'm crying out to Jesus more than I have I think since I was about to go into the 8th grade and I desperately needed to go to a Christian school after bad things happened in the public school.... that's a story for another time.... but I remember that summer like it was yesterday..... I had never leaned on God more in my life and prayed more in my life and I didn't even know where the faith came from that summer cuz it definitely wasn't something that was taught at home..... but now, I've been taught and for so long I have ignored a lot that I have been taught..... I just spent a couple weeks with a friend that I have been friends with for many many years .... someone who probably wants to wring my neck half the time because I just "dont get it" so often..... but well, she's still there and after 20 years, I think I'm listening to her..... God is it.... He is really it.... I can't do this w/o Him ..... I know that now.... I'm done flippen trying!!!!!! So for right now, I'm just going to go read my Bible.... and then I'm going to pray desperately for Him to either take the post acute withdrawals away or give me the strength to endure them..... and then I'm going to pray for a whole lot of other things too.... on the top of my list, Gracy.... love her to death and she's doing great for all she's dealing with.... I'm proud of her.... I just need strength to learn how to mentor someone to this intensity while I'm still struggling myself...... but I know she's in my life for a reason and God didn't bring her here just for me not to know how to handle her and kick her to the curb..... it wouldn't happen like that with me anyway... ever.... it's not how I operate.... never have..... so I'm trusting God more than I ever have..... EVER..... I need Him more now than ever.....
Now i'm just rambling so I'm going to continue to listen to my music, do the things I just said I'd do and then give sleep another shot..... God knows I need sleep!!!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Feeling helpless......

Where do I even begin? My heart hurts deeply for Gracy..... I want to take her pain from her but I just can't...... I want to help her make healthy choices but all she wants right now is what's familiar and that is pain for her...... even though she wants to get rid of the pain..... finding my place with her right now is a hard thing to do..... I don't know where the boundaries need to be but I do know there need to be them...... I made a mistake in allowing her to depend way too much on me and being her sole support..... so now she thinks i'm abandoning her...... that couldn't be further from the truth..... I want to make the relationship more healthy so I CAN be there for her and guide her..... but boy do I not feel equipped.... but one thing I know is this..... God doesn't call the equipped... He equips the called..... and I have been called to minister to and mentor Gracy.... therefore, He will equip me to do so..... but I know I can't do it in my own strength.... it must come from Him and Him alone...... I just want Gracy to know that I love her more than she'll ever know and I'll do anything for her.... but I won't enable her..... she must learn that not everyone is going to abandon her..... I know a lot of people have.... and I've experienced the same..... but I know God will put the right ppl in my life at the right time.... and for some reason, He has chosen me to be in her life right now to minister to her and I am trying my best to answer that call..... I just feel so helpless right now......

Craving something awful.....

So today is one of those days when my pain is pretty intense.... my physical pain..... I slept 5 hours on a children's bed, one NOT made for my back.... so my desire for pills today is pretty strong. I still feel pretty empty w/o them. I had a pretty good talk with Heidi last night and I know that it's time to head back to Virginia Beach even though I am not ready..... but the truth is, if it's not today, it will be another day and no matter what I won't be ready..... reality is there..... the reality that I'm going back w/o pills, and no support besides Larry..... Gracy, too, but I don't expect support from her..... She isn't at that point yet and I understand that...... so how I'm going to fight my fight and help her fight her fight too is beyond me but I know that God is in control. He has to be or it won't work. I must must must find a church when I get back and establish some sort of support network for as long as I'm going to be there anyway. No matter what, I still want to move back this way. I really miss my family and friends.... these are people that have always been there..... in Va Beach, I have pretty much found people to come and go and that doesn't suit me very well! 
So anyway, the withdrawals are pretty much gone. They weren't nearly as bad this time because my relapse didn't last for too long. So if i can make it past the withdrawal point, and keep going forward, then I have no reason to look back. It's going to be a long road though between fighting this and helping to guide Gracy to the path where she needs to be....  I think I can do this w/o rehab... that is going to be what I try and if I find myself failing at it, then rehab it is. I know that I said before I thought I could do it w/o rehab but that was while I was still trying to "control" the pills and only take them when needed and it was before I lost my Oxycontin connection. So to even THINK I could do that was Ludacris..... it must have been my addiction having reservations about the whole thing but I completely have no reservations this time.... I'm even willing to go to some NA groups if I have to even though I hate them... but whatever keeps me afloat with all of this..... no, actually, I found a Christian Recovery program at a church and I'm going to try that..... I think it's one that I tried several years ago and it was pretty good.....

So God, today I'm craving something awful..... and I know that I won't make it through the day without your help....please just take my desire for pills away and replace it with a desire for more of You.... help me to be the example I need to be for Gracy so that she, too, can see that there is a better life with You away from addiction and pain. Help her to give her pain to You and not take it back. God, help me to do the same. Help me to know that even though I don't feel equipped sometimes for "the job" that You are really the One in control and You will guide me through it all. I love You.... please help me to live in such a way that portrays just that.

We are heading out in a little while.... I've gotten very little sleep so I'm glad Larry is here with us to help take us back..... God, keep us safe on the road.....

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Emptiness....

It's a scary thing to know that I'm done with pills. It scares the hell outta me. I want some pills do dang bad today.... my anxiety is through the roof and I don't know what to do. I want to trust God to handle it but the anxiety is still there!! There is this sick empty feeling in my stomach.... I feel like I just lost my best friend. My best friend yet my worst enemy. It will never make sense to me how a pill can have such a stronghold on someone's life. NEVER. So I just wonder is it too late for God to use me? Will my scars and defeats ruin all of His plans for me? Will I be defeated yet again? What exactly do I turn to to replace those pills? Yea, I know.... turn to God..... I guess I've always needed something concrete to turn to in addition to God.... but then, that's kinda like I'm saying God isn't enough...... and I know that He is.... I have to trust it...... the other night Heidi was making me do something (I don't remember what it was) and I was fighting her the whole way..... then she finally said "Jenn do you trust me?" I said yes..... and that was that.... then I was able to cooperate with her and do what she wanted me to do..... so do I trust God like that? Can I just follow Him blindly? Shoot what other choice do I have really? I'm going to go downhill and never make it back if I don't choose to do SOMEthing that works..... and the only thing I have EVER found that works is .... God..... today, I am going to find the strength I've never had.... and I'm going to put my trust in God to take my pain.... the pain of addiction is one that cannot be explained in words..... and you don't know it unless you have been there.... I've been through it all and nothing compares to the pain of addiction. I'm not crazy about 12 step groups, but one thing that they say is true..... drugs lead to jails, institutions or death...... well, my dad died from addiction..... i've been in institutions... the only thing left is jails.... and actually I spent 4 hours in a jail because of Rx fraud.... so I guess I've exhausted those things..... now it's time to try something that works..... God..... alright God, You lead because I'm lost in pain right now and I don't know where I'm going..... or how I'm getting there.....

The Aftershock....

I cannot believe I flushed my pills.... part of me is angry at myself for doing so (that would be the addict in me) and part of me is proud of myself for doing so..... I hope God is too. Well the withdrawals today aren't too bad yet.... hopefully they won't get too bad with the withdrawal meds that I have.... so anyway, I'm beating myself up pretty hard for the relapse I've had this month..... thoughts like "I'm a failure, I'll never make it, I'll always be in this cycle," keep invading my mind...... but all I can do since yesterday is pray and listen to encouraging music..... 2 songs that keep helping to redirect my thoughts in a positive way are "There's only Grace" by Matthew West....and That's What Faith Can Do by Kutless..... here are the lyrics....
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.



Here are the lyrics for the other one....


Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise



So that's my post for now.... I'll come back later..... might be going to Chicago today.... yes again! I love Chicago... this would be my 4th time back on this trip.... but my husband is here now with us (yay!) so I want him to see some things there too.... 

Flushed the pills.....

Well I'm scared as hell right now.  How am I going to beat this? I've got 2 more days and then I'm out of pills.... and it's down to withdrawals meds (just the tramadol) and that will take about 5 days to do for detox. I'm done. No more just trying to take them only when I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. If I have to make an ER visit once to three times a month when I reach that pain level, so be it. But as far as trying to control the meds myself, it's over. I hate my addiction more than I've ever hated anything in my life. Why does it hurt so damn much? There's an emptiness and a loneliness and a void in my heart that I'm completely sick to my stomach. Heidi left today for a couple days with her family and when she left, things were not really okay between us. She is not happy with me and I don't blame her. I do think she was a little harsh in some ways, but fair and truthful in all the rest. But when she left, I was sick to my stomach. I can't stand to "go to bed angry" with someone or vice versa.... I am the type of person who needs to resolve things before I part ways with someone for any amount of time. And not being able to do so kills me inside. I hate it. Do I worry too much about what people think? Well maybe so but I don't know any other way. I just know this whole thing hurts. Will I ever leave this cycle I come back to over and over and over? I don't WANT to be here!!!! I'd rather die than to stay in this cycle of addiction. I'd honestly rather just die. I can't have too many more nervous breakdowns like I had the other night. That was a mix of a lot of things though. There are just some things in life that I don't know how to handle and I think I do until I realize it's just over my head. What I really want to do right now is just go flush the rest of those pills and go straight to the tramadol for withdrawals. Do I have the strength to do it?

(30 minutes later) Wow I just shocked myself, I ran to the bathroom and flushed the last of my pills. God, I wish I would have done that in front of Heidi.... but Larry saw me do it and he can vouch for me..... most of all God saw me do it..... but here I go again, desperate to make her proud...... ugh, one step at a time......

All I could do afterwards was cry and cry and cry. I've never done anything like that in my life..... NEVER. Why does this hurt so bad??? God, I'm trusting You now.... in blind faith because the addict in me wants to say that I won't be able to do this and STAY done with it...... but I have to trust You or I won't make it in life from here on out..... I really think I'm done this time God.... if I can flush pills, I'm done.... I'm done.....  well tomorrow is day one of detox..... we'll see how that goes...... AGAIN. I have nothing for anxiety or anything though so I'm scared to death. Please God, help my unbelief. Help my anxiety to calm down.... just help me through this. I have realized I can't do it in my own strength.... I can't...... how long does it have to take me to realize that?

So i'm going to detox on my own but now I need to find some kind of rehab and I'm really wanting a Christian rehab....  we'll see where God leads..... the main thing I'm scared of is if I'm someone else's lifeline.... how can I just leave and go to rehab..... I'm so confused .... and scared..... God is in control now..... I can't handle the control obviously..... another thing God, please help me not to replace this addiction with the Eating Disorder that I worked so hard to overcome...... please help me to remember that only you can fill the God shaped hole in me..... nothing else works..... I KNOW these things yet I have ignored them for so long...... help God.... just help please.....

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I don't like what I see.....

Ok, so I've been gone from home one month as of today. My trip to the midwest has turned into a 4-5 week trip from the 2 1/2 week trip it was intended to be. Why? Cuz life happens. Or actually I just happen. My drug addiction is tearing me apart on the inside and it's affecting every area of my life, including the way I treat other people. The last thing I ever want is for someone to think my pills are more important than they are. I feel like an utterly and complete failure right now. My addiction once again has complete control over me and my life. I've had a lot of good time to spend with Heidi and she has thrown some pretty hard truths at me. I hate it but I'm glad that she is that kind of friend. Sometimes I don't understand why she doesn't just give up on me and say "Jenn it's been 20 years.... if you don't get it by now, you never will." Thank God she hasn't done that and I don't believe she ever will..... but why, geeze.. I am not worth it. I don't deserve her in the least bit. I don't deserve her friendship, let alone being part of her family. 
So why is this happening.... where am I going wrong? Why can't I flippen GET it?????? I know why but I don't know why I keep choosing to turn from the real true source of help--God Himself. I was clean for about 2 years and during those two years, God was a big part of my life..... He was even FIRST in my life for a huge chunk of that time. So why is it so easy to just walk away from that?
I'm so angry at this addiction for the stronghold it continues to have on me. The tears just won't stop. I want so badly to move back this way so I can have the support system I've had for 20 years ..... so they will be closer to me and I can use that as a basis for my support while branching out and meeting other people as well. I just don't know how to find the kind of friend that Heidi is, back in Virginia Beach..... I have tried..... I had what I thought was one and then after one blow up between the two of us, she ended our friendship. I'm so scared that people will just continue to always walk away from me. I still fear Heidi and Todd will, even though I know that to not be true. So how do I get God back in my life and make Him first in my life, more importantly? Will He even take me back this time? Or am I too far gone, like that verse in Hebrews that always scares me. Am I really so far gone that I just cannot be brought back to Him this time?

I have had a good trip overall..... have spent some amazingly quality time with a lot of people from my family and then some friends.... but some pretty crappy stuff has happened too. I'm trying to lead someone else the same way that Heidi has led me.... only problem is I'm not like Heidi and I'm not strong like she is..... So anyway, a couple nights ago, I had a nervous breakdown ... I don't know what it was..... I felt like maybe it was just lack of sleep.... I had been pretty sleep deprived for about 5 days and I was emotional as hell and having night terrors and flashbacks and dissociating and everything. It got to the point one night where Heidi took me to the hospital.... and what I feared happening if I went,.... did. Of course they thought I was crazy and shipped me over to another hospital with a psych ward on it..... I'll be damned if I go to a hospital again when I'm sleep deprived or emotional. Unless I'm darn near suicide, the hospital will not be seeing any of me again. Screw that. So I stayed there for a little over 24 hours.... it was pure hell. I hated every minute of it and all I did was take their psychotropic drugs to help me sleep through it. I just want to escape. I still do but I know it's not the right choice. So this is where I find myself. I am in a deep pit and I also happen to be someone else's lifeline..... how do those two things jive? I was told today by someone that if I didn't watch what I say to Gracie that I may end up having a dead girl on my hands..... that hurt like hell. So now I'm responsible for all her choices too???? She ended up cutting because of me and my addiction...... I'm sorry, but that's a lot of pressure ...... how the hell am I supposed to focus on my issues (mainly my addiction and the flashbacks that keep coming up, right now because of the Indiana daily fireworks) and worry that I am responsible for keeping someone else alive? Is that even fair? Am I being selfish..... God knows I've given my all to Gracie to try and help keep her head above water..... she has come a long way in 4 months and she credits a lot of that to me, even though I put the credit right back on her because she has been the one making good choices to get her this far. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way at all.... I love her to death and only want the best for her.... sometimes I wonder if I am it.... but I try my best...... I just know I could be so much more for her if I could kick the addiction to pills to the curb and never look back. I look at myself in the mirror and I HATE myself..... I hate who I've become..... God knows I'm at rock bottom now and I have to do something or others will have a dead girl on THEIR hands. And that would be no one's choice but mine. I don't see myself going that route, but I can't stay here..... that's for damn sure. Right now, it's do or die. Have I said these things before? Yep.... so why should anyone believe in me..... really, why should they? Heidi says I'm in the same cycle I was in 10 years ago..... little does she know that I have actually made quite a bit of progress since then. She doesn't see it though because she doesn't live with me on a daily basis. But I can certainly see where she is coming from and why she sees that. I had a conversation with her a few nights ago about how I just wanted to badly to make her proud. Hell, I'm not someone she can be proud of... I don't know if I've ever been. She tells me that I need to worry more about God being proud of me.... and I see that too, but I'm human too and everyone needs some form of acceptance from others..... and that just happens to be what I need from her. Will that ever happen? I don't know but I can hear her now..... "Jenn don't try so hard to make me proud.... just make sure you are making good choices and making God proud."

So..... this pill addiction. Why???? Why can it have this strong of a hold on me? I just want to be done! I really do.... my choices don't portray that and no one sees that.... but in my heart, I know I want to be done. The question is, then, I guess.... "am I ready?"  Maybe I haven't been. But at rock bottom, I guess I have to be. What scares me so flippen much about being drug free? I remember those two weeks about 2 months ago that I was completely clean and it was hard, but towards the end of the two weeks it was great. The problem was that I knew I still had a doctor that I could get anything I wanted from..... well, God must have seen that I didn't have the strength to no longer see that doctor, so the DEA ended up calling that doctor and telling him not to give me anymore schedule II narcotics. So he went down to hydrocodone.... which does nothing for me except give me a pill that I can say is a narcotic and for some reason that pill seems to fill the void in my soul ..... but only for a very short time and then I crash.... so then more and more pills are needed. But I have seven left. I am using them to wean off so maybe the withdrawals won't be as bad and then I'll go back to taking the detox meds and quit those in a couple weeks like I have before.

I'm done. I tried the method of just taking it when I absolutely reached a level 10 of pain..... it didn't work. I'm too much of an addict. I don't want to play into the addictive behaviors anymore. I don't want to be known as someone who lies, manipulates, to get what I want in life. I do know someone that like who does it in a much more extreme form, but I absolutely HATE it about her and I don't want to be seen in the same way. Most importantly I know it displeases God and I want to live for Him..... where do I start? I will start by finding something on the internet to listen to that is spiritually encouragement and then I will read my Bible and journal my prayers. One thing I did at Mercy that really connected me to God was journaling my prayers so I must start that again. I really need accountability. I need it or I won't make it. I need Heidi and Todd to be my "truth-tellers" and hold me to God's standard. I just pray that I will find other people like that too so I can have a network to lean on and turn to.

I feel a little better that I blogged now. I am asking those of you who are following my blog to check up on me, encourage me, give it to me straight.... I know several of you are recovered addicts too and I need to hear from you. I need to know this can be done. Please tell me it can because right now, I do NOT like what I see in the mirror..... this girl in the mirror needs to change..... Thank God for second chances (and so on and so on..... this may be my 572nd chance..... )

Thursday, June 3, 2010

What happened???????

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted. Life just gets busy I guess. Actually I stopped posting for a little while because someone who likes to stick her nose where it doesn't belong sent me a pretty nasty email putting me down in a big way because of my addiction and my feelings about some things that have happened recently. Well I'll be honest. It got to me a little bit.... but only for a minute.... then I realized who it was that sent it and um, it didn't bother me so much anymore because this girl has more issues than uh, um I'll just leave it at that. She's completely delusional and I don't even know why she reads my blog to begin with but I'm not going to let anyone keep me from writing honestly or let anyone make me afraid to write my true feelings and/or struggles as well as the positive things going on in my life. Period. Moving on.......

I'm getting ready to go on a road trip. I personally LOVE road trips. I'll be traveling with Gracie this time and I'm really excited about that because we have a lot of fun together and we haven't taken a road trip by ourselves yet. So this is our first major one. I'm taking her "back home" with me to meet family and friends. I haven't had 2 weeks to spend back home in Michigan/Indiana in so long so I'm pretty psyched. I'll be going to my niece's high school graduation (wow they grow up so fast!), then to my grandparents' on the lake for a few days. My grandpa is in a nursing home now. This is hard for me to accept. My mom's parents were a huge part in how I turned out. They were my rock growing up. My grandmother gave me my first Bible and they just made sure that we were well grounded in the Christian Faith. So in a chaotic stormy house of turmoil, even though they lived three hours away, they were my rock. I can't wait to spend time with them. The thought of losing either one of them is beyond what I am even capable of comprehending at this point in time. Even though they live 16 hours away from me right now, I plan on spending as much time with them as possible over the next few years. I have to. The last thing I want is for time to get away from me and to regret not doing so.
Moving on..... Then I plan on driving 3 hours south to my hometown, Niles, MI/South Bend, IN. I literally lived on the border of Michigan and Indiana. Stateline Road. My side of the road was Michigan and the other side of the road was Indiana. My friends think this is pretty cool. During Daylight Savings Time, it would be 5:00 on my side of the road and 4:00 on the other side of the road. Crazy huh..... Actually, since I grew up with it and it was normal to me, I thought it was annoying because I lived in Michigan but went to school in Indiana and worked in Indiana. Anyway, I have quite a few family in that area and old school friends and such. I plan to see as many as possible but I will only be there for about 3 days cuz after that, I am going a little west to the Chicago area where my best friend from high school lives. She is much more than a friend though. She is more like a sister and her family is very much family to me. They have included me as part of their family for as long as I can remember. I don't even know where I'd be today if it were not for my friend/sister Heidi and her husband Todd. I can't even say that I'd be alive, honestly. Heidi has played the friend, sister, mother, mentor, guide, teacher, spiritual advisor, you name it. I am beyond excited to spend some time with her and her two girls for a few days. It's Katie's 5th birthday! We will be riding the train to downtown Chicago and seeing a show and maybe going to the Sears Tower. I totally can't wait. Then we will be heading back home to Virginia. The drive is about 18 hours altogether coming from Chicago. We will probably stop to take lots of pictures. I'm a picture fanatic. Anyway, that's my summer trip back home..... and it will be so fun to take with Gracie.

I need this trip. I need to get away. It's been a little rough lately. Where do I even start..... geeze.  Personally, my addiction has had its rough spots but that's pretty much it. Spots. I have been doing amazingly well with it. It's been hard as hell but I've been doing it. I've been only taking medication when I reach an honest to God red level 7-10. Lately that's been averaging out to 1-3 times a day. Seeing that on the screen makes me rethink... am I really doing that well? But compared to what I was doing before, I am. I was taking twice as many before. But the past 3 days, I've gotten even better even though my pain has been beyond rebellious on me. I have committed to not taking any pain meds for anything less than a true red 10. So once a day for three days pretty much. I'm anticipating that as I take this trip for the next two weeks, it will make my fight easier to fight. For reasons I can't put into words, really. I am completely committed to only taking pain meds when I reach an honest red 10. And even then, I will try several other methods first. I will not jump straight to the narcs. The other night I tried that for a migraine and although it didn't kill the migraine, it relaxed me enough to where I could just go to sleep for the night and it was gone when I woke up, so kudos to me. So all that to say I'm fighting and I'm fighting hard. It's slow slow slow progress, but the key is that there is progress and it's actually more progress than I'm probably seeing because I tend to be pretty hard on myself. I would like to see myself going several days between taking doses but that is actually coming up here soon. I went a day and a half this week, so I'll slowly begin to stretch that out as time goes by.

Well I began by saying that it's been pretty rough lately. Here's where I don't even know where to start. The truth is that my husband, too, is addicted to painkillers. I think I've mentioned that he takes them occasionally in another post. When I married him and for the 2 years before that, I felt like he was the perfect man. Of course he had his weaknesses and he wasn't literally perfect, but he was the perfect one for ME. Since he began to have a problem with these pills (even after SEEING what it does to ME and how it has hurt ME..... why would you even get close to going down this kind of road....ugh) I haven't wanted to throw him under the bus in any way. I haven't wanted anyone to know that he has this problem because I want him to always have the reputation of being the perfect husband for me. But I can't pretend anymore. Yes, we have problems now and things are not the best right now. Now he does have a legitimate injury and a very bad foot that causes him pain and he has a physical job (he's a mechanic) so that doesn't help. However, he used to get along just fine without using them on a daily basis so I'm not sure what changed. I remember 2 Christmases ago (around that time of year I mean) that he was hurting pretty badly and I offered him a pain pill. He was hesitant to take it as he didn't want to begin to have a problem with them. I understood but I didn't think taking it one time would cause a problem. So he took it and it made him feel better. I offered him a pain pill a couple times after that I remember. I don't remember when or how it happened but he began taking them more often and actually asking for them himself. I began to get worried that he was taking too much of them and confronted him. He said he'd be more careful. I trusted that. Then beginning in October when we went to Disney World, he began taking pills daily. He was going to pain management himself at this point in time. Part of that was to help me and part of it was for himself and it only enabled him to take the pills on a daily basis. I really confronted him about it at this point and all of the addiction signs began to show their faces by this time. I told him so. All I got was complete defensiveness. He did NOT see that he was addicted at all at this time. I told him he'd see it in time. When he could not go a single day without a pill w/o feeling the effects of withdrawal. So one day he wasn't feeling well and I asked him what was wrong and he finally said it. "I hate to say it, but I think it's withdrawals." "I don't want to say it, but I TOLD you so!" Yea, I had to say it. I told him "You think I don't know an addict when I see one? You're looking at the expert of pill addiction you know." Screw book knowledge. I know this crap firsthand. Addicts can NOT fool another addict. Well now he knows. Or does he? Because he still tries to.

So this is where we stand currently. A few nights ago we had a little "family intervention." It was pretty intense to say the least. All I want is for him to fight his addiction at least as hard as I'm fighting mine. And fight it WITH me! I feel like I could be quite a bit further in my own recovery if I had him on my side. But he is just not ready apparently. Even after the "intervention" I doubt his readiness. His willingness. His sincerity. His promises. Everything. I just doubt it anymore and it will take some time for him to prove himself, if he will even desire to at this point. His addiction has affected our relationship in so many ways. My trust is gone. I feel disconnected from him. I do understand pain. Of all people, I understand it. But when the pills begin to take control of your life to the point where you treat people like crap and you act so cold to the very ones that you say you love with all your heart, something is wrong. Very wrong. We have had very lengthy conversations about all of this and it all seems to go in one ear and out the other. I don't feel heard. My heart is broken into a million pieces right now. This is my third marriage and I am going to make this work if it's the last thing I do on earth. I quit too soon on my last marriage and I will NOT do so on this one. However, it is killing me inside. I cry myself to sleep a lot lately. I dissociate way more than I ever used to. I just want to crawl up into a ball and hide from the world. All I ever wanted was a partnership so wonderful that anyone walking by would be jealous of what I had. Instead of my being jealous of others all the time, I wanted what "they" had so I didn't have to be the jealous one for once. And for several months, that's exactly what I had. My marriage was beyond any standards I had ever set for myself in a marriage. It was greater than anything I could have ever imagined. And now with Gracie as part of the family, I couldn't be happier. Well, yes.... I could be..... not for Gracie though, as she has added so much to my life, it's unreal..... but I could be happier for my marriage. I'm scared as to what it will turn into. Will I ever give up on it? Not a chance. But for now, my heart is broken by him. The other night our "intervention" seemed to do some good for him... for all of us. He promised not to take another pill ever again. Pinky promised even. Pinky promises are unbreakable you know. And he knows that. Now, if he were going to get another prescription for pain pills, he is due on Wednesday. We will be gone on our trip. I was a little worried that temptation would get the best of him. Addiction has its way of manipulating and deceiving to no end. I worried that it would. I mean, he made this promise and I even gave him opportunity to back out that night because if he were going to commit to this promise, it was to be unbreakable. He committed to it. So tonight, I asked him. I said "I'm worried that you might go get that Rx while we are gone. You're not going to right?" Of course, it was what I expected. He couldn't tell me that he wasn't going to take any pills. As I began to cry at the heartbreak of him choosing AHEAD OF TIME to break his pinky promise, he walked away from me so quickly and so coldly. He was on his way out the door and he made a fast escape. I sat at the top of the stairs in tears, in such pain and anger at the addiction. He TOLD me that he would do what I wanted him to do to begin to recover from the addiction. So I've been thinking of things that we can do together or things just for him personally that might help him think differently about things. I really had hoped that it would work. And it could. If he would commit to it like he said he would. This is not the man I married. And I want him back. It's like I'm grieving. I am actually. Totally. I have lost the man I married and I'll be damned if he stays lost. But for now, he chooses to be. And that fricken hurts like hell.  Dang I want him back. The man I married didn't snap at the drop of a hat. The man I married didn't make empty promises. The man I married made me feel like the most important thing on earth to him. I feel like I've been passed up by a pill. A fricken pill. Believe you me. I understand what addiction can do to a person. But I'm choosing to move past it. I'm working harder than I've ever worked in my life on anything. And it IS hard work. But I'm choosing to do it and I only wish and pray that he would make the same choice. It hurts so bad that I can't trust him anymore. His promises, his words mean NOTHING to me anymore. The pain I'm in right now is unreal. How long will it take to get all of this back? I've lost so dang much. This marriage and family is the most important thing to me on earth anymore. This is my life. And I love it. I WANT IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *I'm melting down in tears and I only wish he cared*
Oh yea, and I feel like it's all my fault that we are even dealing with this. I am the stupid one who offered him a pill when he was in pain a couple of times. What was I thinking??  Yep, this is all my fault....

Monday, May 10, 2010

An attempt to ride and blog at the same time....

Ok so Larry is driving and we have a LONG trip ahead of us.... still about 13 hours to go and he is in his driving zone.... watch out.... currently the MPH reads 83. Geeze... so anyway, if I can keep my mind here and not on the road, I'll see what I can do......

We had a really great trip. It was exciting to make it possible for some of Gracy's dreams to come true.... to watch her light up and be in amazement of where she was this week in comparison to where she was 3 months ago. Two different worlds and I'm glad she was in this one this week..... she is doing relatively well..... definitely has her struggles but we are working through them. I'm really struggling right now though because I'm scared that maybe I wasn't ready to play the mentor role that I ended up in.... I mean, that isn't to say I regret anything by any means because she has assured me that w/o me, she wouldn't be even close to where she is now..... but here lately, I question my ability, my competence...... am I less than what she needs? Am I strong enough to continue to work through my issues while also guiding her and helping her through hers? I have been pushing her pretty hard lately and I guess I got kinda excited that she was doing so well that I just kept pushing harder and harder and it got to be a bit much for her.... I appreciate her honesty though about that..... so, I am scared that I am going to fail her. So incredibly scared. Am I too incompetent for the mentor role? They say no, but I feel like I am unable to fall apart and struggle myself. Not that I WANT to, obviously .... it's the last thing I want..... but what do I do when I feel it all building up inside? If I am putting all my strength and energy into keeping her on track, what happens when it builds up so far that I do fall apart.....because only so much can build up inside before it explodes. And I don't mean explode as in anger.... I mean just crumble to the ground. Then if she is hanging on to me is she going to fall down with me? The last thing I want to do is fail her.... it scares me. It is a lot of responsibility when someone looks up to you so incredibly much.... and it is a responsibility that I am happy to take.... but it's just a lot of pressure sometimes and I dont know.... it just scares me! I seem to fail so much in every relationship I'm ever in and I don't really know what it is...... right now, I'm trying to let everything out, but believe me, this is just the surface and I'm having a really hard time reaching what's deeper beneath. I'm not even looking at the computer screen. It's like I'm looking right through it..... yea I'm dissociating quite a bit..... I don't know how to come out of it..... grr maybe part of it is that Larry is driving like a maniac...... ugh tailgating... I can't stand it.... don't ppl know how dangerous that is???

Ah my pill addiction...... I suppose you want to know how I'm doing with that. Well, I used a bit more this week than normal..... and honestly, I don't know how much was addiction and how much was honest red level pain. There really was quite a bit of red level pain this week because I have Sciatica nerve issues right now so walking so much has about killed me this week.... so I tried the whole wheelchair thing and that didn't work much either because if you've ever had sciatica issues, you know that sitting is almost impossible.  Anyway, but if I am completely honest, as I am being right now, I would have to say half the time my addiction controlled my pill intake this week. Ugh!!!! Am I ever going to beat this???? I would say I've had a bit of a relapse because after what Kea did, I wanted to say screw it all.... so yea, I've tried to hide the pain by taking pills a few times this week.....  ugh her head is so messed up.... she can't even see what she is doing... we all see it.....  if she wants to shut her family out (all I did was stand by Gracy b/c of the way she was being treated, it was ridiculous... so yea, I got a little protective... forgive me, geeze) and get her head all messed up with some guy who thinks he is God.... then, she just has a lot of growing up to do...... I pray that she will come to her senses one day.  She had been telling me recently that she snaps out of nowhere at times because of the pain and anger she is discovering inside so maybe that is what happened but either way, it's painful and I can't take it anymore.... in and out, in and out, wishy washy..... if you're going to be in my life..... then dammit, be in it...... if you don't want to be in my life..... goodbye.  I just need real genuine ppl in my life.... I need something solid to stand on..... I feel like that solid ground I thought I was on got shaken quite a bit..... but I have to remember I still have Larry and Gracy...... Gracy and I got a little disconnected but she has reassured me that this is something every mentor type friendship goes through because it is a process of getting to know one another. As long as I haven't failed her, then good..... we'll make it through..... that's what I have noticed about Gracy .... she doesn't walk away when something gets tough.... kea is there when it is convenient for HER.... if it is too tough, then she walks away..... Gracy is just there..... always..... someone you can count on for sure and I'm glad to have that. I just pray I don't fail her. I have GOT to beat this addiction once and for all and then I'm sure I could help her quite a bit..... but until then, oh I don't know.... I'm just damn tired of fighting addiction..... how can something have such a strong hold on someone? And I'm STRONG too!!! I've been through crazy stuff that a lot of ppl would have never survived. I'm definitely a tough girl but I guess something is tougher than me.... pill addiction and pain too. Tired of fighting the honest to God red level pain that I fight almost daily lately..... going to the doctor is hard right now because of my past experiences with doctors..... I've always been looked down at as a drug seeker..... and sure, I have been just that at times...... but in the past year or so, I have not done that once..... I have not gone to the doctor for anything other than red level pain in over a year.

You know, I have a lot of SHAME I'm dealing with right now. That's what is eating me up inside I just realized. But for the past 4 days, I have done exceptionally well with the pills. I only took them once a day (in the morning when I hurt the most) for 2 days and then I skipped two days (didn't take any for 2 days) then I took a dose last night. So really my addiction just got the best of me during the very beginning of the trip. So I have to tell myself hey that's a really great job.... I can do this. I have nothing to be ashamed for. I have a problem and I'm working on it. It's just so incredibly frustrating because I would love to be able to be completely drug free but what the hell do I DO when I get to that honest to God red level pain? Seriously, WHAT DO I DO????? There are no answers for me..... it's all dead end..... and this is where it gets so incredibly emotionally painful..... I'm at the point of breaking down..... why has God chosen to allow me to live in such pain??? And where the hell is this new pain coming from? I have never had Sciatica nerve problems...... why now??? Come on God..... as if I don't have enough pain to deal with??? Seriously? Please I just want a break........

Monday, May 3, 2010

Venting....ending on a positive note!

Ok, first of all, I am getting sick of not being able to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.... I can get maybe 3 to 5 hours a night at the most, but not consecutive hours. Ugh! I'm so drained. But anyway, such is life.
You know, it's a very painful thing to continually learn that you've been talked about in a very harsh and ugly way behind your back... publicly even, by someone who claims to love you and care about you. If that's love, I'm certainly glad she doesn't hate me! Even worse, half the things are not even true. Some people are just so incredibly manipulative. Do I have issues? Uh, duh. But I'm a good person with a good heart too. Just like her, I've got a hell of a lot of pain and trauma to work through (I've come a ways but I have a ways to go too) but I'm sorry that I know how to ask for help and that she would rather live a lie. I've spent two years trying to relate to her, only to find out she is so incredibly two-faced. Fool me once.... right? Ok, so shame on me then.... so I wanted to believe she actually cared instead of pretending to care. After all the lies I've been told, I have never bashed her to anyone..... in fact, I've stood UP for her when others told me to get away from her b/c of the manipulation. Now, after reading all that I have read in the past couple of days of things that she has written publicly about me, I say screw it. I don't even care anymore. Yea yea yea, forgive forgive forgive, blah blah blah..... I'm the most forgiving person in the world. Anyone who actually KNOWS me will tell you that..... but what's the point anymore..... I'm tired of putting so much effort into relationships only to realize they were never real to begin with. I really don't need someone like this in my life. It will take years to restore this relationship if ever.

I just took some pain meds because my foot is swollen twice the size it's s'post to be.... not to mention my lower back is KILLING me from spending so much time in that dang car of mine this past week. I can't say I didn't also use it to numb the emotional pain. I'm feeling like a failure today. But these negative feelings won't last long. I just needed to vent a little bit. I won't give some manipulative 19 yr old that kind of power. She already gets more than she deserves in life. Wait, that's a soap box for another day.... yea so, she gets no more of my time and energy today.
Glad to get THAT off my chest. I rarely talk like this but damn, a person can only take so much and then it's just time to move on.

So, by the way, on a GOOD note, I drove to Raleigh to pick up my new car last night. What a drive..... it's getting hard for me to drive long distances with my body feeling like it's 85 years old! Also hard driving that much on such little sleep. So Gracie and I had to be pretty creative to keep me awake and halfway sane. So anyway, I got yet another Saturn and she's a beauty for sure! For those of you who don't know, I was in a horrible car accident last year. I had a Saturn Ion Quad Coupe.... red. So pretty and sporty and all that good stuff and I lost it on Feb 21 2009 when two 14 year old girls were driving drunk in a stolen car running from the police. I was making a legal left turn and they came out of nowhere.... going almost 80 mph in a 35, they t-boned me right behind my driver's side door. They hit me so hard they tore the rear-end axle right out from underneath my car. And no kidding, no lie.... had I been going less than a half a second slower, I probably wouldn't be here to tell about it because they only hit me about 15 inches behind where I was sitting and there is nothing left of that part of the car so I doubt I would have survived it either. I felt like I barely survived it as it was, but truth is, although I have significant lower back problems now that I didn't have before... on top of the neck issues, I came out of that accident with only minor injuries. So anyway, why was I talking about my car accident anyway...... oh yea, so I ended up buying another Saturn but an SC2 this time because I had always wanted one..... oh my word, that body style couldn't POSSIBLY be manufactured for HUMAN bodies!!! I wonder if my most recent car (the SC2) has actually caused more problems in my back than my actual car accident did! Soooooo I finally got my new car! Yay I'm so excited and it's so pretty too! I got the very same kind of car that I wrecked--a Saturn Ion '06. I still have a couple things to add to it so it's exactly what I want--a sunroof and a spoiler. Then, yep I'm totally lovin' it. There's something about getting that new car that boosts my self-confidence.... anyhow, I'm very happy with it.

And on an even BETTER note, I got to take my first trip in it last night...... I'm a total trip taker.... they are a blast if you are traveling with the right people..... and I finally have that too--the right ppl to travel with, that is. So anyhow, we arrived at Disney World today. We drove overnight..... it was a VERY long night to say the least...... but we've got a full and exciting week planned..... I can't wait!! So, I'm off to bed now so I can get an early start tomorrow.

By the way, the first part of this post, I actually wrote a couple days ago and fell asleep writing it, so I'm finishing it now..... I vented, it's gone and those thoughts have no permission to invade my mind this week...... I'm so thankful for what I have and who I have.... it's nice to have real and genuine people in my life.... and even better to be able to vacation with them!!

Oh, so as far as my rehab goes, I struggled for a few days.... I mean, really struggled. However, I grabbed a hold of myself and said hell no I ain't givin' anyone or anything that kind of power in my life..... geeze I've given enough..... I'm back on track. I have a few pills for this week and I will only take them when I reach an honest red level (that point at which I can no longer bear the pain w/o losing it).

I'll keep y'all updated on how I'm doing this week. Should be a great week though!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Fighting for both sides?

So let me preface my post with the lyrics from one of my favorite country songs.....

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad, sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger

And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better
Shut up and sing or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
?Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should
What it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting



Ok, so I've always been known for giving people the benefit of the doubt for much too long. Call me gullible, call me dumb, or call me someone who just has a good heart and believes in those for whom she cares. Well, I'm not the first because I generally know when I've "been had" or lied to although those lying to me don't always know that for awhile. I'm not the second. I'm just not. I'm actually fairly intelligent. So I guess it's the third one. But when it comes to a point where I begin to realize that my trust just isn't important to someone, why keep allowing myself to be subjected to emotional pain? Maybe I don't give people long enough to gain back my trust, so for that, maybe you can call me 'dumb.' I just know that anyone can change; I guess what I need to learn is that some just don't choose to. I also know that had a few people in my life not given ME the benefit of the doubt and took a chance on ME, I would NOT be where I am today. So I try to take that same chance on others. 


I think I'm learning something. Imagine that. Ok, so sometimes it takes me a little longer to learn than others, but hey, you can't say my heart hasn't been in the right place! So what am I learning? Well, while there have been others in my life who have been right there by my side the whole, and I mean the whole, time, there have also been others who came to a point in their own lives where they had to take a few steps back and love me from a distance. They could no longer be subjected to the emotional pain I was causing them by the horrible choices I was making. I always mistook that as them "giving up on me." I think I have a different perspective on that now. It was just that, without putting their own emotional well-being on the line, they could not continue to put the time and emotional energy in that it was requiring for them to invest in me on a day in-day out basis. They still loved me. They still wanted only the best for me. They still even believed in me; they just knew it was up to me to live up to my potential. Some chose to come back into my life at some point and some didn't; either way, it was their right but whichever choice they made, it didn't indicate their love for me either way. 


I am CONSTANTLY sticking up for people. Constantly fighting for them..... literally! I've gotten in several arguments over the last couple of weeks with people in my life about why so-n-so needs the benefit of the doubt, why so-n-so deserves another chance, why so-n-so is acting the way they are; i.e. they are going through a hard time, they haven't had any sleep in awhile, they are young, etc. Some deserve that voice.... and some, I keep telling myself they will eventually prove to me that they do. But occasionally I am the one to get proven a fool. Tonight was one of those nights.


So I find myself fighting for "both sides," if you will. I'm fighting inside to know how to handle this one. I'm fighting inside to want to continue to "be there" in a very close way and I'm fighting to want to protect myself now. I am now faced with having to make a huge and unbearable choice. I have those closest to me (and who often know what's best for me when I don't) pulling me in one direction, along with the unbearable fear of a load of regret, and I have my heart pulling me in another direction. The problem is my head is not with my heart on this one so I'm not sure which way to go, which side to fight for. All I know is the emotional turmoil boiling inside from the whole mess I've gotten myself into here is causing me to want to use for the mere sake of numbing the pain. I haven't yet though. Not yet. But I won't either. I have fought too hard to get this far and I won't compromise it on this one. God it's so flippen hard though!!! 

Friday, April 16, 2010

Overloaded.....

So I started this post several days ago and then kinda shut down as far as sharing anything going on with me..... but I decided to go ahead and post it..... keep in mind this is from a little over a week ago and guess what, now I have a lot more stress and "overwhelmingness" to add! Yay, such is life.

Ok, so I just looked at my siamese cat and told him out loud "you are so darn cute... gosh, I love you... you just make everything okay sometimes..." It's funny how you can be so overloaded and stressed and then a little (well actually he's a big fat solid baby) cat can come up to you and give you the cutest darn look and make everything okay.

This post is going to be so all over the place so bear with me. I am completely overloaded and stressed to the max. You ever have SO many thoughts in your head that you don't even understand how they all FIT? I have so many thoughts running through my head and it has been that way for the past 24 hours. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions that I feel like I can't type, talk, or even THINK fast enough to express them all. So I might ramble on a bit.... kinda like I'm doing NOW! I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I can only stand so long without falling from it all. Most of it, I bring on myself too. I am the kind of person who just wants to fix everything! EVERYthing. I want to heal all the pain in my friends and family and fix any situation that is harmful or even seems harmful to anyone I love. So many times, this is such the case that I actually end up making things worse and then I feel even WORSE about myself and about everything else. I end up causing more stress for others and myself than was even necessary and it hurts so bad. I never meant to. I just want to help, not HURT! So then I have to back off a little bit and re-evaluate the situation and re-evaluate my own actions and adjust my own behavior. I'm not a prideful person so I'm okay with admitting when I'm wrong which I have done here. I try to be as objective as possible but sometimes I guess I don't see the big picture when I thought I did. So without making public the situation I'm talking about, those are the emotions and frustrations I'm dealing with that I CAN share. Frustrating. Mostly with myself. And it's situations like this that I have a hard time dealing with when I don't have pills to hide from the emotions and stress.

Then I am dealing with frustrations from not being able to connect with someone I love and I'm not sure where I'm going wrong, if I'm going wrong at all. Is it him or is it me? I don't care who it is..... like I said, I'm not prideful.... I can admit if I'm wrong.... but I just need to see that it IS me.... but he seems so distant, absent.... disconnected. It hurts. He is someone important in my life so I fear growing apart from him. I just want to fix it but I don't know how. I'm scared. I know I won't lose him. But how can I fix it? These are some more of the thoughts consuming my brain and causing me to lose sleep.

I never thought God would use me in someone else's life the way he is using me in Gracie's life. She has completely changed my life for the better in so many ways. It really makes a huge difference in my life to be able to make a difference in hers the way she says and it appears I have! It's amazing to watch the transformation. However, it is a lot of responsibility to have that huge of an influence on another life. I have to make sure I'm on top of MY game and doing all the things *I* need to be doing so that she has a positive role model and example to follow! When sometimes, I just want to lie down and give up, I know that I can't now because I have someone so incredibly special to me actually looking up to me. While this is all incredibly good, it is still stressful at times because of not only the reasons I just mentioned but also I am a very empathetic person. I actually *feel* the pain of others, especially those closest to me. And when I see her digging down and dealing with the intense pain of her past and fighting so hard, I in so many ways understand what she is going through and it is painful to watch!

So this is 14 days w/o any pills!!!! Wow I have never been able to say that. Last night, my pain level was an 11 on the 1-10 scale. I was almost to the point of literal insanity. The nerve damage from my broken neck and then the pain in my lower back from my car accident last year was just more than I could handle last night. I broke down and got some more pills. I did last 14 days though. I'm not sure how, wow I'm just not sure how I did that. So now I'm back to fighting not to take any pills unless I'm desperately in need of them for pain and only physical pain that nothing else can ease for me.

I'm gonna make a new post now to just catch up from this post to the present situation in my life now...... I've got a lot of venting to do.....