Reflecting into the past

Friday, April 16, 2010


So I started this post several days ago and then kinda shut down as far as sharing anything going on with me..... but I decided to go ahead and post it..... keep in mind this is from a little over a week ago and guess what, now I have a lot more stress and "overwhelmingness" to add! Yay, such is life.

Ok, so I just looked at my siamese cat and told him out loud "you are so darn cute... gosh, I love you... you just make everything okay sometimes..." It's funny how you can be so overloaded and stressed and then a little (well actually he's a big fat solid baby) cat can come up to you and give you the cutest darn look and make everything okay.

This post is going to be so all over the place so bear with me. I am completely overloaded and stressed to the max. You ever have SO many thoughts in your head that you don't even understand how they all FIT? I have so many thoughts running through my head and it has been that way for the past 24 hours. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions that I feel like I can't type, talk, or even THINK fast enough to express them all. So I might ramble on a bit.... kinda like I'm doing NOW! I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I can only stand so long without falling from it all. Most of it, I bring on myself too. I am the kind of person who just wants to fix everything! EVERYthing. I want to heal all the pain in my friends and family and fix any situation that is harmful or even seems harmful to anyone I love. So many times, this is such the case that I actually end up making things worse and then I feel even WORSE about myself and about everything else. I end up causing more stress for others and myself than was even necessary and it hurts so bad. I never meant to. I just want to help, not HURT! So then I have to back off a little bit and re-evaluate the situation and re-evaluate my own actions and adjust my own behavior. I'm not a prideful person so I'm okay with admitting when I'm wrong which I have done here. I try to be as objective as possible but sometimes I guess I don't see the big picture when I thought I did. So without making public the situation I'm talking about, those are the emotions and frustrations I'm dealing with that I CAN share. Frustrating. Mostly with myself. And it's situations like this that I have a hard time dealing with when I don't have pills to hide from the emotions and stress.

Then I am dealing with frustrations from not being able to connect with someone I love and I'm not sure where I'm going wrong, if I'm going wrong at all. Is it him or is it me? I don't care who it is..... like I said, I'm not prideful.... I can admit if I'm wrong.... but I just need to see that it IS me.... but he seems so distant, absent.... disconnected. It hurts. He is someone important in my life so I fear growing apart from him. I just want to fix it but I don't know how. I'm scared. I know I won't lose him. But how can I fix it? These are some more of the thoughts consuming my brain and causing me to lose sleep.

I never thought God would use me in someone else's life the way he is using me in Gracie's life. She has completely changed my life for the better in so many ways. It really makes a huge difference in my life to be able to make a difference in hers the way she says and it appears I have! It's amazing to watch the transformation. However, it is a lot of responsibility to have that huge of an influence on another life. I have to make sure I'm on top of MY game and doing all the things *I* need to be doing so that she has a positive role model and example to follow! When sometimes, I just want to lie down and give up, I know that I can't now because I have someone so incredibly special to me actually looking up to me. While this is all incredibly good, it is still stressful at times because of not only the reasons I just mentioned but also I am a very empathetic person. I actually *feel* the pain of others, especially those closest to me. And when I see her digging down and dealing with the intense pain of her past and fighting so hard, I in so many ways understand what she is going through and it is painful to watch!

So this is 14 days w/o any pills!!!! Wow I have never been able to say that. Last night, my pain level was an 11 on the 1-10 scale. I was almost to the point of literal insanity. The nerve damage from my broken neck and then the pain in my lower back from my car accident last year was just more than I could handle last night. I broke down and got some more pills. I did last 14 days though. I'm not sure how, wow I'm just not sure how I did that. So now I'm back to fighting not to take any pills unless I'm desperately in need of them for pain and only physical pain that nothing else can ease for me.

I'm gonna make a new post now to just catch up from this post to the present situation in my life now...... I've got a lot of venting to do.....