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Reflecting into the past

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Struggling to fight.....

So today it's been one week since I had any pills. I can't believe I have gone that long. AND..... whereas in the past, I probably would have stayed in bed and hid from the world for a good bit of that time, I only did that one day this week. I actually got up and did productive things and yea, I actually functioned without any pills. It has taken everything in me not to go doctor shopping until I can get some more pills on Tuesday. I saw my doctor the other day and I said to him..... "I DO want to be free of narcotics, but when I get to that point where it's just too much to handle, and the pain is just beyond what I can bear, as it occasionally does get that way, what am I SUPPOSED to do???" And he agreed with me. Luckily the pain has only gotten that way once this week, and that was the day I knocked myself out all day. So am I strong enough to say even though I CAN get more pills on Tuesday, I'm just not even going to get them, as in refuse to get pills when I am ABLE to?  Haha funny.... yea, no I'm not even close to being that strong. I do occasionally need them for real.... but the biggest test comes when I get them and I have a full prescription amount of them. When I started this fight, I only had a limited amount left so for some reason it was easier I think than it will be to have a full bottle of them and still control myself like I have been. I believe I can do this though! I just know I can.... whether I have 12 or 60, I should still be able to have the same fight I have had all this week..... right? Well, I'm trying to convince myself of that anyway.

So anyway, I woke up today (I slept REALLY late.... I have been pretty worn out..... it takes a lot out of you to fight like this!! ) and the first thought on my mind was pills. My pain level? Today about a 7. Not great but not unbearable either. So I guess it was the addiction calling my name. I HATE addiction..... God I hate addiction!!! I'm sick of it ..... it doesn't have the right to control how I feel and think and consume me like this....All I want today is just a few pills.... it's ALL I want right now...... But I've made it to day 7 and haven't lost the fight yet..... so it would be dumb of me to give in NOW!! I have NEVER gone this long..... Sure, I was at Mercy for about a year and I wasn't using then..... but I didn't have a choice then....AND, I didn't have to deal with nearly the pain levels that I deal with now either..... THIS time, it's all MY choice.... this is MY fight..... I have chosen this...... no one has forced this one me!! That's what feels so good about it! I am the one who has chosen to allow God to team up with me and fight this addiction head on..... Ugh but my strength seems so low today...... I seem to be swinging back and forth between the thought "I am so proud of myself for doing this...." and then "I am just ready to give it up..... I will never win ..... addiction is way stronger than me.... I don't have a chance...."  So to control my thinking instead of addiction controlling the way I think is definitely a challenge and it's wearing me out!! Completely wearing me out. I slept til almost 2 today!!  I do feel rested, but I feel a migraine coming on..... grrr I can't win sometimes...... So anyway, that's my struggle for today..... please keep supporting me..... I really really need it right now.....

3 comments:

Kathy M. said...

I'll keep you in my prayers. Hugs.

Bristolvol said...

I found you through Recovery happens. Are you a member of junkjunk? Barbara (recovery happens) has a link on her web site. You might find some interesting information there. We chat on Monday nights with Tom from recovery help desk. My daughter is an ocy addict and I have known about it for six years. My blog is patiently waiting. I am proud of you for wanting to be clean. My daughter's ex sponsor has been clean for many years and I look to her as my hero, knowing it can be done, trying not to lose hope for my daughter. I keep you in my prayers. Please stay strong. If you set your mind to it nothing is impossible.

recoveringanorexic said...

Hi, I was referred to your blog by http://thefarsideofthemirror.wordpress.com/. I put you in my blogroll, I hope that's ok?