Reflecting into the past

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I feel so lost right now. I still haven't used. In other words, I'm still sober. I have taken a pill twice for very severe pain but I left it at that. I wish right now that I were back on them full time..... I want them right now for emotional pain. I want to hide behind those pills again. I have nothing to hide behind anymore and it hurts dammit! It hurts so bad. I'm trying to lean on God... He's all I have left, and I know that He's all I need, but then why does it hurt so bad? At least on pills, it didn't hurt quite as bad (until I ran out!).
There is so much change going on in my life.... and once again, I feel so alone. I have one person moving in, then another person moving in (both with significant issues) and then those two don't get along so I was always stuck in the middle of a bunch of drama.... then one person goes away for two weeks and the other has a nervous breakdown and finally decides she needs treatment (good for her, I'm proud of her!) and ends up leaving the day before the other girl comes back...... this person going, that person coming, all the drama, always being in the middle, trying to find recovery from a pill addiction..... it's all throwing me for a loop and depression is trying to make it's home in my life and I can't seem to find the strength to kick it out this time.
I feel like a stranger in my own house now because the girl living here doesn't even know me at all. I've been accused of doing things I just don't do. I know it's all her insecurity and I can't own those things because they are her problem, not mine. But it still hurts. I feel just as alone as I did before anyone moved in at all. I just want my husband. I hate that he works such crazy hours. I feel like I'm slipping away. Am I suicidal? The thought is certainly there..... will I do something crazy? I don't think so.... I just want the pain to stop, both emotional and physical...... I just want someone to know me for who I am and not make up all this crap about me that isn't true. I just want people to be there when they say they are going to be there......
Right now, I just want pills! Tired of fighting..... i'm so drained..... I'm just tired... and lost.