Reflecting into the past

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


So, it's been quite some time since I posted anything. Just wanna give a summary of where I've been over the past few months. I've had some pretty crazy ups and downs. Things were pretty good for awhile. I was experimenting with herbs and vitamins and a means for pain relief and anxiety relief. I had pretty much 100% success.... but then later on, my addictive side said "this isn't any fun, I want the addictive drugs!" So, I got back on pain killers and benzos. I was taking nearly 100 mg of valium at one time and 40 mg of oxycontin. I was getting Morphine from the streets which is something I've never done before. I felt safe about it because I knew the person, so I justified it in my own mind. Then, about a month and a half ago, I OD'd on Morphine. I nearly shut down my kidneys and was only at about 70% oxygen. I nearly died. It scared the bejeebers out of me. Since then, no more morphine for me. I still occasionally use oxycontin and rarely use valium. I was ready to go to rehab when I got out of the hospital. But my insurance sucks so I had my husband sign up for more insurance through his work so I would have a backup insurance. But I can't use it until January which I plan to use and go to rehab then. The depression I've been in for several months now has been relentless.  There's not really much to say about that except that it sucks. It takes a million percent effort to get up and do ANYthing at all. Simple household chores are a big deal for me. Getting out of the house for anything is a big deal for me. I feel like i'm merely existing and that's about it. I'm hoping that rehab will help. I'm looking for a Christian rehab as I need the spiritual side of things too. Please pray I find the right one and that I will learn how to really live and live without substances. Thanks.