Reflecting into the past

Monday, May 3, 2010

Venting....ending on a positive note!

Ok, first of all, I am getting sick of not being able to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.... I can get maybe 3 to 5 hours a night at the most, but not consecutive hours. Ugh! I'm so drained. But anyway, such is life.
You know, it's a very painful thing to continually learn that you've been talked about in a very harsh and ugly way behind your back... publicly even, by someone who claims to love you and care about you. If that's love, I'm certainly glad she doesn't hate me! Even worse, half the things are not even true. Some people are just so incredibly manipulative. Do I have issues? Uh, duh. But I'm a good person with a good heart too. Just like her, I've got a hell of a lot of pain and trauma to work through (I've come a ways but I have a ways to go too) but I'm sorry that I know how to ask for help and that she would rather live a lie. I've spent two years trying to relate to her, only to find out she is so incredibly two-faced. Fool me once.... right? Ok, so shame on me then.... so I wanted to believe she actually cared instead of pretending to care. After all the lies I've been told, I have never bashed her to anyone..... in fact, I've stood UP for her when others told me to get away from her b/c of the manipulation. Now, after reading all that I have read in the past couple of days of things that she has written publicly about me, I say screw it. I don't even care anymore. Yea yea yea, forgive forgive forgive, blah blah blah..... I'm the most forgiving person in the world. Anyone who actually KNOWS me will tell you that..... but what's the point anymore..... I'm tired of putting so much effort into relationships only to realize they were never real to begin with. I really don't need someone like this in my life. It will take years to restore this relationship if ever.

I just took some pain meds because my foot is swollen twice the size it's s'post to be.... not to mention my lower back is KILLING me from spending so much time in that dang car of mine this past week. I can't say I didn't also use it to numb the emotional pain. I'm feeling like a failure today. But these negative feelings won't last long. I just needed to vent a little bit. I won't give some manipulative 19 yr old that kind of power. She already gets more than she deserves in life. Wait, that's a soap box for another day.... yea so, she gets no more of my time and energy today.
Glad to get THAT off my chest. I rarely talk like this but damn, a person can only take so much and then it's just time to move on.

So, by the way, on a GOOD note, I drove to Raleigh to pick up my new car last night. What a drive..... it's getting hard for me to drive long distances with my body feeling like it's 85 years old! Also hard driving that much on such little sleep. So Gracie and I had to be pretty creative to keep me awake and halfway sane. So anyway, I got yet another Saturn and she's a beauty for sure! For those of you who don't know, I was in a horrible car accident last year. I had a Saturn Ion Quad Coupe.... red. So pretty and sporty and all that good stuff and I lost it on Feb 21 2009 when two 14 year old girls were driving drunk in a stolen car running from the police. I was making a legal left turn and they came out of nowhere.... going almost 80 mph in a 35, they t-boned me right behind my driver's side door. They hit me so hard they tore the rear-end axle right out from underneath my car. And no kidding, no lie.... had I been going less than a half a second slower, I probably wouldn't be here to tell about it because they only hit me about 15 inches behind where I was sitting and there is nothing left of that part of the car so I doubt I would have survived it either. I felt like I barely survived it as it was, but truth is, although I have significant lower back problems now that I didn't have before... on top of the neck issues, I came out of that accident with only minor injuries. So anyway, why was I talking about my car accident anyway...... oh yea, so I ended up buying another Saturn but an SC2 this time because I had always wanted one..... oh my word, that body style couldn't POSSIBLY be manufactured for HUMAN bodies!!! I wonder if my most recent car (the SC2) has actually caused more problems in my back than my actual car accident did! Soooooo I finally got my new car! Yay I'm so excited and it's so pretty too! I got the very same kind of car that I wrecked--a Saturn Ion '06. I still have a couple things to add to it so it's exactly what I want--a sunroof and a spoiler. Then, yep I'm totally lovin' it. There's something about getting that new car that boosts my self-confidence.... anyhow, I'm very happy with it.

And on an even BETTER note, I got to take my first trip in it last night...... I'm a total trip taker.... they are a blast if you are traveling with the right people..... and I finally have that too--the right ppl to travel with, that is. So anyhow, we arrived at Disney World today. We drove overnight..... it was a VERY long night to say the least...... but we've got a full and exciting week planned..... I can't wait!! So, I'm off to bed now so I can get an early start tomorrow.

By the way, the first part of this post, I actually wrote a couple days ago and fell asleep writing it, so I'm finishing it now..... I vented, it's gone and those thoughts have no permission to invade my mind this week...... I'm so thankful for what I have and who I have.... it's nice to have real and genuine people in my life.... and even better to be able to vacation with them!!

Oh, so as far as my rehab goes, I struggled for a few days.... I mean, really struggled. However, I grabbed a hold of myself and said hell no I ain't givin' anyone or anything that kind of power in my life..... geeze I've given enough..... I'm back on track. I have a few pills for this week and I will only take them when I reach an honest red level (that point at which I can no longer bear the pain w/o losing it).

I'll keep y'all updated on how I'm doing this week. Should be a great week though!