Reflecting into the past

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Telling God how I feel?

Ok so I just read Psalm 101 and 102. The writer in 102 is telling God how badly he feels.... he even says in one verse "I can't sleep!" .... gee, I know how that feels..... and it feels horrible... but sometimes I think God isn't really concerned with the little pity feelings that I have..... but that couldn't be further from the truth! He really wants us to talk to Him about how we feel.... and right now I'm angry that I have an addiction that I haven't yet seem to be able to beat... I'm angry that I had to give it up even! I'm grieving pills as dumb as that sounds...... there are so many crazy mixed feelings.... but it's good to know that I can tell them to God and He won't judge me or hold them against me... He will even understand them! The first half of the psalm (102) is the writer talking about how badly he feels.... and the last half of the Psalm is praising God..... it appears it made the writer feel much better after venting to God about his feelings...... this might be a very simple way to take my Bible reading.... but it's what I got tonight...... so I'm going to go lie down and just pray and tell God how I feel.... (even though He already knows.... )

God Help!!

Ok so the main withdrawals are over.... I think I said that a few days ago..... but these "post acute withdrawals" that the dr has told me about before but I have not waited long enough apparently to experience are killing me!!! I have the worst cramps in my legs I can't stand it. I just want some damn pills.  That's all I want right now. But I did a very good thing tonight that I have not done before. This dr that I have been able to get pills from for so long now..... well I knew that if he remained someone I could get pills from, it wouldn't be a good thing for me... especially on nights like tonight.... so unable to make the call myself, I at least said to my husband "please call Dr Vuolo and tell him we are done with pills and not to write us any more scripts for narcs ever again. I asked him that while we were still at Heidi's in Indiana a few days ago.... tonight I was tempted to call him so I said "have you called that dr yet? if not please do so immediately before I find myself relapsing once again" and he called then and there. So that's that.... no more foot dr giving me anything..... not roxy's, not lortabs, nothing..... I'm done with tramadol and everything.... the only thing I'll probably take from here on out are muscle relaxers for my neck occasionally..... I can handle these.... I need SOMEthing..... the fact that I'm done taking pills doesn't just mean my physical pain has gone away.... it's still there and it's there something fierce today..... right now, all I can do is walk around this hotel room until my legs stop hurting so badly because I can't even lie in the bed and stay still for more than 3 seconds.... if even that long..... so all I can do is walk around and pray.... I'm crying out to Jesus more than I have I think since I was about to go into the 8th grade and I desperately needed to go to a Christian school after bad things happened in the public school.... that's a story for another time.... but I remember that summer like it was yesterday..... I had never leaned on God more in my life and prayed more in my life and I didn't even know where the faith came from that summer cuz it definitely wasn't something that was taught at home..... but now, I've been taught and for so long I have ignored a lot that I have been taught..... I just spent a couple weeks with a friend that I have been friends with for many many years .... someone who probably wants to wring my neck half the time because I just "dont get it" so often..... but well, she's still there and after 20 years, I think I'm listening to her..... God is it.... He is really it.... I can't do this w/o Him ..... I know that now.... I'm done flippen trying!!!!!! So for right now, I'm just going to go read my Bible.... and then I'm going to pray desperately for Him to either take the post acute withdrawals away or give me the strength to endure them..... and then I'm going to pray for a whole lot of other things too.... on the top of my list, Gracy.... love her to death and she's doing great for all she's dealing with.... I'm proud of her.... I just need strength to learn how to mentor someone to this intensity while I'm still struggling myself...... but I know she's in my life for a reason and God didn't bring her here just for me not to know how to handle her and kick her to the curb..... it wouldn't happen like that with me anyway... ever.... it's not how I operate.... never have..... so I'm trusting God more than I ever have..... EVER..... I need Him more now than ever.....
Now i'm just rambling so I'm going to continue to listen to my music, do the things I just said I'd do and then give sleep another shot..... God knows I need sleep!!!