A Letter to my addiction

Dear Pill addiction,

I have finally come to the realization that you are no good for my life anymore. I'm finally ready. I have never been more ready to cut you out of my life. I am tired of the negative things that you do for me. I actually hate you. At one time, pills, you served a purpose. You helped my pain. But then you became very sneaky and conniving, cunning and downright deceitful. Somehow you sneaked into my soul and grabbed a hold of it and you haven't let go since. You ended up changing the way I thought, the way I did things, the way I felt, everything. You have controlled my life for so long and I'm tired of you. You're done. 

As you know, these last two days, I have done something that I have never done in my life. I have some pain pills and I actually said no. I found the strength in me to refuse to take pills even when they were available and even when I was in pain. Yes, when my pain reached a level 10 (an honest level 10), I took a couple, but the fact that I didn't manipulate anyone or anything to try and take any pills earlier in the day before my pain honest to God reached a level I couldn't deal with on my own says I'm finally ready for this fight. Today, I haven't taken even one pill. They are in the Safe. All I would have to do is ask Larry to get me a pill by telling him I can't take the pain and he would get it for me but right now that would be a lie because my pain is only a level 6 right now so I don't NEED you!!!!! And for once I have the strength to say no. You are not going to win this fight. I have God on my side so you are already defeated. I'm on day 2 with this fight. Yea, I have expressed a desire to get rid of you a few times in the last few months but until I was ready it just wasn't going to happen. Well guess what, I'm ready now. Day 2 and I'm doing great. I now know that I don't NEED you. You are going to be cut out of my life completely here shortly. I'm going to fight the fight the way I'm doing it now for a little while, then I'm going to take another step. I'm doing this the way I know that I can win the fight. I don't know what it is, but something has happened in me and I have prayed and prayed over the last couple of days and I actually might not even need rehab. Between God, my support system and my own adrenaline and strength, I believe you don't even have a chance. I KNOW so. So many things I learned at Mercy have come back to me and God is doing something amazing in my heart. I am happy to tell you, Pill Addiction, that you are defeated...... DEFEATED!!! You got that? Seriously, I'm DONE with you. I'm angry that you took so much of my life and made it yours. You took it away from me and now I'm taking it back.  I have someone to fight with now and God says "where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there....." Yep, God is in the middle of us and fighting with and for us. You don't stand a chance!!! I'm finally relying on God again and honestly, that is where you had me for all this time.... I simply didn't have the strength on my own to fight you... it was too much for me, but I turned back to God and He did something in my heart that I can't even express in words just yet, but I can tell you this.... You're done.... history..... no more. No more will you have control of me. No more will you control my thoughts. No more will you control my happiness. No more will you have ANY control of my life, PERIOD. You had my life before, but like I said I'm taking it back. It's mine now and God will see to it that you never again get the chance to take it back and do with it what you have done already. Never again will I listen to your lies. Never again will you stab me in the back. Never again will you come between me and the people I love. NEVER AGAIN. So I'll leave you with this. I'm just getting started, pill addiction. Tomorrow is day 3. I'm fighting and I'm conquering. BUT..... you haven't seen anything yet. My fight is only going to get stronger. Yesterday I only took a dose ONE time (and it was for PAIN only and not to please YOU, addiction). Today I haven't taken a single pill.  As a guide for myself, I made a chart. It symbolizes my pain levels versus the actual addiction. Every time I have the urge to take a pill, I will refer to the chart. Depending on where I am on the chart (and I finally have enough fight in me to be HONEST), I will either refuse the pill if it's you calling my name, or I will take one if it's honest to God for a pain level that I can't deal with. As time goes on and I find alternative pain relief options, there will be more and more days between each time that I actually take a pill for the pain and by day 40, narcotic pills will no longer be a part of my life. NEVER AGAIN. So, just so you know..... the fight is on, Pill Addiction. Defeated you are and FREE I STAND!!!!

Family Given by God....

 I am married to Larry who is 15 years older than me. When I first met him a little over 2 years ago, he was like a father figure to me. I grew very close to him and we did everything together. I had never enjoyed being with someone so much as I did with him. In time, I grew up a whole lot and realized my relationship with him was changing. We were growing closer and closer .... it was like I was getting older and he was getting younger and eventually we realized we were soul mates. We decided to get married and we did just that on November 6, 2009. I gradually revealed to those in my life what I was doing and some were very happy for me. Some were not as understanding but I didn't really expect understanding from everyone because I realize I am unique and I don't fit into any mold. Because of several traumatic experiences in my life, I knew I would never desire a physically intimate relationship with a man, but I did want the closeness, the companionship, the togetherness, and everything else that comes with a marriage. I felt "gipped" for the longest time because I thought I would lose out if I didn't just force myself to "like" sex.  That is, until God brought Larry into my life. Our relationship is very close, emotionally intimate. It is nothing more, nothing less. And I couldn't be happier. I am finally learning I can be "me" and it's ok now!

My family dynamics aren't the everyday American family dynamics. That's just the way it is but it is what I am happy with. I am happier than I have ever been and have finally found the strength from God, from within and from those around me to push forward and work through my past --which has for so long had such a stronghold on me that I just couldn't let go. God has brought just the right people into my life and He has me where He wants me and where I need to be. For the first time, I am making huge strides and making changes I though I'd never make. For the first time in ten years, I have the desire to live life to the fullest, and in order to do so, I have to kick this drug addiction once and for all.... I have for so long wanted to do so, but just didn't have the fight in me to do it. Because of where God has me and the people He has surrounded me with and with whom I have created a family, I have it in me to fight. And that's just what I'm doing.

Larry has a 19 year old daughter to whom I am very close. Because of our age difference, we are more like sisters than me a step-mother to her, but I like it the way it is. I love her to death and don't know what I'd do without her. 

"Keagen" lived with us for about a year and then moved on to other things and she pretty much had to find herself out in the world. She is 19 now and learning a lot about a lot of things. Currently she is in a treatment center for Eating Disorders. I am more than proud of her for the strides she has taken and the progress she has made. It is only her 2nd week in treatment and I've already seen her grow so much. 

Gracie is the new "addition" to our family! Larry is going to adopt her next month. We have looked into adult adoptions and I think it's pretty amazing that you can even do such a thing. She has never had a family. She is 23 and like I said in my last post, she, like "Keagen" is like another little sister to me. She and I have formed a bond like I have never had with any one else in my life, however. God has definitely allowed us to cross paths for a reason.  We fight together and as we grow in faith, God gives us what we need to help each other fight. I've seen Gracie grow in faith faster than I have ever seen anyone grow. It's amazing to watch and it empowers me to move forward and fight for freedom. I WANT to be free finally, and I know that because of all God has done for me, I CAN be. As far as Gracie, when I first met her, I asked her where she stood in her faith and because of unspeakable experiences in her childhood, the idea of a relationship with God was a bit more than she could imagine. I understood completely. I am a Christian, but I am no Bible thumper. I am not one to push religion down anyone's throat. In fact, I don't even like the word "religion" and I told her that. I am NOT religious by any means. I simply have a relationship with God. I don't preach either. I simply share. I told her that, too. I let her know that I would never shove the Bible down her throat or tell her she was a horrible person because of anything she had done. I told her I wouldn't PUSH my faith on her but that I also would not apologize for my faith. She was very respectful of that. That night, I prayed and asked God how I could help her. His answer : Lead by example. So, that's what I am trying to do. I don't ever want to come across as someone who thinks I am better than anyone else because I try to live a certain way or because I am a Christian. Far from it. I am far from perfect.... I told her that.... but that's WHY I need God!! 

Tonight, I prayed again and asked God.... "Help me to share more of my faith with her. Help me to share something with her that will help her to realize she does need You and that if we are to beat these addictions, we are going to have to rely on Your strength. Because afterall, YOU are on OUR side!!! I was lying in bed with the music playing on one of the music channels on TV. Lately that has helped me to fall asleep at night. And this song came up that I had never heard before. I lied there and listened and it was God!!! He sent this song to me to send along to her...... Here are the lyrics:

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say 

I will continue to blog about where God has me after I get some sleep......