Reflecting into the past

Saturday, April 3, 2010

A Letter to my addiction

Dear Pill addiction,

I have finally come to the realization that you are no good for my life anymore. I'm finally ready. I have never been more ready to cut you out of my life. I am tired of the negative things that you do for me. I actually hate you. At one time, pills, you served a purpose. You helped my pain. But then you became very sneaky and conniving, cunning and downright deceitful. Somehow you sneaked into my soul and grabbed a hold of it and you haven't let go since. You ended up changing the way I thought, the way I did things, the way I felt, everything. You have controlled my life for so long and I'm tired of you. You're done. 
As you know, these last two days, I have done something that I have never done in my life. I have some pain pills and I actually said no. I found the strength in me to refuse to take pills even when they were available and even when I was in pain. Yes, when my pain reached a level 10 (an honest level 10), I took a couple, but the fact that I didn't manipulate anyone or anything to try and take any pills earlier in the day before my pain honest to God reached a level I couldn't deal with on my own says I'm finally ready for this fight. Today, I haven't taken even one pill. They are in the Safe. All I would have to do is ask Larry to get me a pill by telling him I can't take the pain and he would get it for me but right now that would be a lie because my pain is only a level 6 right now so I don't NEED you!!!!! And for once I have the strength to say no. You are not going to win this fight. I have God on my side so you are already defeated. I'm on day 2 with this fight. Yea, I have expressed a desire to get rid of you a few times in the last few months but until I was ready it just wasn't going to happen. Well guess what, I'm ready now. Day 2 and I'm doing great. I now know that I don't NEED you. You are going to be cut out of my life completely here shortly. I'm going to fight the fight the way I'm doing it now for a little while, then I'm going to take another step. I'm doing this the way I know that I can win the fight. I don't know what it is, but something has happened in me and I have prayed and prayed over the last couple of days and I actually might not even need rehab. Between God, my support system and my own adrenaline and strength, I believe you don't even have a chance. I KNOW so. So many things I learned at Mercy have come back to me and God is doing something amazing in my heart. I am happy to tell you, Pill Addiction, that you are defeated...... DEFEATED!!! You got that? Seriously, I'm DONE with you. I'm angry that you took so much of my life and made it yours. You took it away from me and now I'm taking it back.  I have someone to fight with now and God says "where two or more are gathered in His name, He is there....." Yep, God is in the middle of us and fighting with and for us. You don't stand a chance!!! I'm finally relying on God again and honestly, that is where you had me for all this time.... I simply didn't have the strength on my own to fight you... it was too much for me, but I turned back to God and He did something in my heart that I can't even express in words just yet, but I can tell you this.... You're done.... history..... no more. No more will you have control of me. No more will you control my thoughts. No more will you control my happiness. No more will you have ANY control of my life, PERIOD. You had my life before, but like I said I'm taking it back. It's mine now and God will see to it that you never again get the chance to take it back and do with it what you have done already. Never again will I listen to your lies. Never again will you stab me in the back. Never again will you come between me and the people I love. NEVER AGAIN. So I'll leave you with this. I'm just getting started, pill addiction. Tomorrow is day 3. I'm fighting and I'm conquering. BUT..... you haven't seen anything yet. My fight is only going to get stronger. Yesterday I only took a dose ONE time (and it was for PAIN only and not to please YOU, addiction). Today I haven't taken a single pill.  As a guide for myself, I made a chart. It symbolizes my pain levels versus the actual addiction. Every time I have the urge to take a pill, I will refer to the chart. Depending on where I am on the chart (and I finally have enough fight in me to be HONEST), I will either refuse the pill if it's you calling my name, or I will take one if it's honest to God for a pain level that I can't deal with. As time goes on and I find alternative pain relief options, there will be more and more days between each time that I actually take a pill for the pain and by day 40, narcotic pills will no longer be a part of my life. NEVER AGAIN. So, just so you know..... the fight is on, Pill Addiction. Defeated you are and FREE I STAND!!!!


Sherry said...

Kali -

I believe in you and God!! Amen!!

Kali said...

Sherry, thanks SO much!! That means the world to me.... Hey, I tried accessing your blog.... and maybe I'm doing something wrong... but when people start following my blog and I click on their names to try to see their blog, it won't take me there! Do you know how to do that?