Feeling helpless......

Where do I even begin? My heart hurts deeply for Gracy..... I want to take her pain from her but I just can't...... I want to help her make healthy choices but all she wants right now is what's familiar and that is pain for her...... even though she wants to get rid of the pain..... finding my place with her right now is a hard thing to do..... I don't know where the boundaries need to be but I do know there need to be them...... I made a mistake in allowing her to depend way too much on me and being her sole support..... so now she thinks i'm abandoning her...... that couldn't be further from the truth..... I want to make the relationship more healthy so I CAN be there for her and guide her..... but boy do I not feel equipped.... but one thing I know is this..... God doesn't call the equipped... He equips the called..... and I have been called to minister to and mentor Gracy.... therefore, He will equip me to do so..... but I know I can't do it in my own strength.... it must come from Him and Him alone...... I just want Gracy to know that I love her more than she'll ever know and I'll do anything for her.... but I won't enable her..... she must learn that not everyone is going to abandon her..... I know a lot of people have.... and I've experienced the same..... but I know God will put the right ppl in my life at the right time.... and for some reason, He has chosen me to be in her life right now to minister to her and I am trying my best to answer that call..... I just feel so helpless right now......

Craving something awful.....

So today is one of those days when my pain is pretty intense.... my physical pain..... I slept 5 hours on a children's bed, one NOT made for my back.... so my desire for pills today is pretty strong. I still feel pretty empty w/o them. I had a pretty good talk with Heidi last night and I know that it's time to head back to Virginia Beach even though I am not ready..... but the truth is, if it's not today, it will be another day and no matter what I won't be ready..... reality is there..... the reality that I'm going back w/o pills, and no support besides Larry..... Gracy, too, but I don't expect support from her..... She isn't at that point yet and I understand that...... so how I'm going to fight my fight and help her fight her fight too is beyond me but I know that God is in control. He has to be or it won't work. I must must must find a church when I get back and establish some sort of support network for as long as I'm going to be there anyway. No matter what, I still want to move back this way. I really miss my family and friends.... these are people that have always been there..... in Va Beach, I have pretty much found people to come and go and that doesn't suit me very well! 
So anyway, the withdrawals are pretty much gone. They weren't nearly as bad this time because my relapse didn't last for too long. So if i can make it past the withdrawal point, and keep going forward, then I have no reason to look back. It's going to be a long road though between fighting this and helping to guide Gracy to the path where she needs to be....  I think I can do this w/o rehab... that is going to be what I try and if I find myself failing at it, then rehab it is. I know that I said before I thought I could do it w/o rehab but that was while I was still trying to "control" the pills and only take them when needed and it was before I lost my Oxycontin connection. So to even THINK I could do that was Ludacris..... it must have been my addiction having reservations about the whole thing but I completely have no reservations this time.... I'm even willing to go to some NA groups if I have to even though I hate them... but whatever keeps me afloat with all of this..... no, actually, I found a Christian Recovery program at a church and I'm going to try that..... I think it's one that I tried several years ago and it was pretty good.....

So God, today I'm craving something awful..... and I know that I won't make it through the day without your help....please just take my desire for pills away and replace it with a desire for more of You.... help me to be the example I need to be for Gracy so that she, too, can see that there is a better life with You away from addiction and pain. Help her to give her pain to You and not take it back. God, help me to do the same. Help me to know that even though I don't feel equipped sometimes for "the job" that You are really the One in control and You will guide me through it all. I love You.... please help me to live in such a way that portrays just that.

We are heading out in a little while.... I've gotten very little sleep so I'm glad Larry is here with us to help take us back..... God, keep us safe on the road.....

The Emptiness....

It's a scary thing to know that I'm done with pills. It scares the hell outta me. I want some pills do dang bad today.... my anxiety is through the roof and I don't know what to do. I want to trust God to handle it but the anxiety is still there!! There is this sick empty feeling in my stomach.... I feel like I just lost my best friend. My best friend yet my worst enemy. It will never make sense to me how a pill can have such a stronghold on someone's life. NEVER. So I just wonder is it too late for God to use me? Will my scars and defeats ruin all of His plans for me? Will I be defeated yet again? What exactly do I turn to to replace those pills? Yea, I know.... turn to God..... I guess I've always needed something concrete to turn to in addition to God.... but then, that's kinda like I'm saying God isn't enough...... and I know that He is.... I have to trust it...... the other night Heidi was making me do something (I don't remember what it was) and I was fighting her the whole way..... then she finally said "Jenn do you trust me?" I said yes..... and that was that.... then I was able to cooperate with her and do what she wanted me to do..... so do I trust God like that? Can I just follow Him blindly? Shoot what other choice do I have really? I'm going to go downhill and never make it back if I don't choose to do SOMEthing that works..... and the only thing I have EVER found that works is .... God..... today, I am going to find the strength I've never had.... and I'm going to put my trust in God to take my pain.... the pain of addiction is one that cannot be explained in words..... and you don't know it unless you have been there.... I've been through it all and nothing compares to the pain of addiction. I'm not crazy about 12 step groups, but one thing that they say is true..... drugs lead to jails, institutions or death...... well, my dad died from addiction..... i've been in institutions... the only thing left is jails.... and actually I spent 4 hours in a jail because of Rx fraud.... so I guess I've exhausted those things..... now it's time to try something that works..... God..... alright God, You lead because I'm lost in pain right now and I don't know where I'm going..... or how I'm getting there.....

The Aftershock....

I cannot believe I flushed my pills.... part of me is angry at myself for doing so (that would be the addict in me) and part of me is proud of myself for doing so..... I hope God is too. Well the withdrawals today aren't too bad yet.... hopefully they won't get too bad with the withdrawal meds that I have.... so anyway, I'm beating myself up pretty hard for the relapse I've had this month..... thoughts like "I'm a failure, I'll never make it, I'll always be in this cycle," keep invading my mind...... but all I can do since yesterday is pray and listen to encouraging music..... 2 songs that keep helping to redirect my thoughts in a positive way are "There's only Grace" by Matthew West....and That's What Faith Can Do by Kutless..... here are the lyrics....
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.


Here are the lyrics for the other one....


Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know

Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try

Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright

Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise


So that's my post for now.... I'll come back later..... might be going to Chicago today.... yes again! I love Chicago... this would be my 4th time back on this trip.... but my husband is here now with us (yay!) so I want him to see some things there too.... 

Flushed the pills.....

Well I'm scared as hell right now.  How am I going to beat this? I've got 2 more days and then I'm out of pills.... and it's down to withdrawals meds (just the tramadol) and that will take about 5 days to do for detox. I'm done. No more just trying to take them only when I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. If I have to make an ER visit once to three times a month when I reach that pain level, so be it. But as far as trying to control the meds myself, it's over. I hate my addiction more than I've ever hated anything in my life. Why does it hurt so damn much? There's an emptiness and a loneliness and a void in my heart that I'm completely sick to my stomach. Heidi left today for a couple days with her family and when she left, things were not really okay between us. She is not happy with me and I don't blame her. I do think she was a little harsh in some ways, but fair and truthful in all the rest. But when she left, I was sick to my stomach. I can't stand to "go to bed angry" with someone or vice versa.... I am the type of person who needs to resolve things before I part ways with someone for any amount of time. And not being able to do so kills me inside. I hate it. Do I worry too much about what people think? Well maybe so but I don't know any other way. I just know this whole thing hurts. Will I ever leave this cycle I come back to over and over and over? I don't WANT to be here!!!! I'd rather die than to stay in this cycle of addiction. I'd honestly rather just die. I can't have too many more nervous breakdowns like I had the other night. That was a mix of a lot of things though. There are just some things in life that I don't know how to handle and I think I do until I realize it's just over my head. What I really want to do right now is just go flush the rest of those pills and go straight to the tramadol for withdrawals. Do I have the strength to do it?

(30 minutes later) Wow I just shocked myself, I ran to the bathroom and flushed the last of my pills. God, I wish I would have done that in front of Heidi.... but Larry saw me do it and he can vouch for me..... most of all God saw me do it..... but here I go again, desperate to make her proud...... ugh, one step at a time......

All I could do afterwards was cry and cry and cry. I've never done anything like that in my life..... NEVER. Why does this hurt so bad??? God, I'm trusting You now.... in blind faith because the addict in me wants to say that I won't be able to do this and STAY done with it...... but I have to trust You or I won't make it in life from here on out..... I really think I'm done this time God.... if I can flush pills, I'm done.... I'm done.....  well tomorrow is day one of detox..... we'll see how that goes...... AGAIN. I have nothing for anxiety or anything though so I'm scared to death. Please God, help my unbelief. Help my anxiety to calm down.... just help me through this. I have realized I can't do it in my own strength.... I can't...... how long does it have to take me to realize that?

So i'm going to detox on my own but now I need to find some kind of rehab and I'm really wanting a Christian rehab....  we'll see where God leads..... the main thing I'm scared of is if I'm someone else's lifeline.... how can I just leave and go to rehab..... I'm so confused .... and scared..... God is in control now..... I can't handle the control obviously..... another thing God, please help me not to replace this addiction with the Eating Disorder that I worked so hard to overcome...... please help me to remember that only you can fill the God shaped hole in me..... nothing else works..... I KNOW these things yet I have ignored them for so long...... help God.... just help please.....

I don't like what I see.....

Ok, so I've been gone from home one month as of today. My trip to the midwest has turned into a 4-5 week trip from the 2 1/2 week trip it was intended to be. Why? Cuz life happens. Or actually I just happen. My drug addiction is tearing me apart on the inside and it's affecting every area of my life, including the way I treat other people. The last thing I ever want is for someone to think my pills are more important than they are. I feel like an utterly and complete failure right now. My addiction once again has complete control over me and my life. I've had a lot of good time to spend with Heidi and she has thrown some pretty hard truths at me. I hate it but I'm glad that she is that kind of friend. Sometimes I don't understand why she doesn't just give up on me and say "Jenn it's been 20 years.... if you don't get it by now, you never will." Thank God she hasn't done that and I don't believe she ever will..... but why, geeze.. I am not worth it. I don't deserve her in the least bit. I don't deserve her friendship, let alone being part of her family. 
So why is this happening.... where am I going wrong? Why can't I flippen GET it?????? I know why but I don't know why I keep choosing to turn from the real true source of help--God Himself. I was clean for about 2 years and during those two years, God was a big part of my life..... He was even FIRST in my life for a huge chunk of that time. So why is it so easy to just walk away from that?
I'm so angry at this addiction for the stronghold it continues to have on me. The tears just won't stop. I want so badly to move back this way so I can have the support system I've had for 20 years ..... so they will be closer to me and I can use that as a basis for my support while branching out and meeting other people as well. I just don't know how to find the kind of friend that Heidi is, back in Virginia Beach..... I have tried..... I had what I thought was one and then after one blow up between the two of us, she ended our friendship. I'm so scared that people will just continue to always walk away from me. I still fear Heidi and Todd will, even though I know that to not be true. So how do I get God back in my life and make Him first in my life, more importantly? Will He even take me back this time? Or am I too far gone, like that verse in Hebrews that always scares me. Am I really so far gone that I just cannot be brought back to Him this time?

I have had a good trip overall..... have spent some amazingly quality time with a lot of people from my family and then some friends.... but some pretty crappy stuff has happened too. I'm trying to lead someone else the same way that Heidi has led me.... only problem is I'm not like Heidi and I'm not strong like she is..... So anyway, a couple nights ago, I had a nervous breakdown ... I don't know what it was..... I felt like maybe it was just lack of sleep.... I had been pretty sleep deprived for about 5 days and I was emotional as hell and having night terrors and flashbacks and dissociating and everything. It got to the point one night where Heidi took me to the hospital.... and what I feared happening if I went,.... did. Of course they thought I was crazy and shipped me over to another hospital with a psych ward on it..... I'll be damned if I go to a hospital again when I'm sleep deprived or emotional. Unless I'm darn near suicide, the hospital will not be seeing any of me again. Screw that. So I stayed there for a little over 24 hours.... it was pure hell. I hated every minute of it and all I did was take their psychotropic drugs to help me sleep through it. I just want to escape. I still do but I know it's not the right choice. So this is where I find myself. I am in a deep pit and I also happen to be someone else's lifeline..... how do those two things jive? I was told today by someone that if I didn't watch what I say to Gracie that I may end up having a dead girl on my hands..... that hurt like hell. So now I'm responsible for all her choices too???? She ended up cutting because of me and my addiction...... I'm sorry, but that's a lot of pressure ...... how the hell am I supposed to focus on my issues (mainly my addiction and the flashbacks that keep coming up, right now because of the Indiana daily fireworks) and worry that I am responsible for keeping someone else alive? Is that even fair? Am I being selfish..... God knows I've given my all to Gracie to try and help keep her head above water..... she has come a long way in 4 months and she credits a lot of that to me, even though I put the credit right back on her because she has been the one making good choices to get her this far. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way at all.... I love her to death and only want the best for her.... sometimes I wonder if I am it.... but I try my best...... I just know I could be so much more for her if I could kick the addiction to pills to the curb and never look back. I look at myself in the mirror and I HATE myself..... I hate who I've become..... God knows I'm at rock bottom now and I have to do something or others will have a dead girl on THEIR hands. And that would be no one's choice but mine. I don't see myself going that route, but I can't stay here..... that's for damn sure. Right now, it's do or die. Have I said these things before? Yep.... so why should anyone believe in me..... really, why should they? Heidi says I'm in the same cycle I was in 10 years ago..... little does she know that I have actually made quite a bit of progress since then. She doesn't see it though because she doesn't live with me on a daily basis. But I can certainly see where she is coming from and why she sees that. I had a conversation with her a few nights ago about how I just wanted to badly to make her proud. Hell, I'm not someone she can be proud of... I don't know if I've ever been. She tells me that I need to worry more about God being proud of me.... and I see that too, but I'm human too and everyone needs some form of acceptance from others..... and that just happens to be what I need from her. Will that ever happen? I don't know but I can hear her now..... "Jenn don't try so hard to make me proud.... just make sure you are making good choices and making God proud."

So..... this pill addiction. Why???? Why can it have this strong of a hold on me? I just want to be done! I really do.... my choices don't portray that and no one sees that.... but in my heart, I know I want to be done. The question is, then, I guess.... "am I ready?"  Maybe I haven't been. But at rock bottom, I guess I have to be. What scares me so flippen much about being drug free? I remember those two weeks about 2 months ago that I was completely clean and it was hard, but towards the end of the two weeks it was great. The problem was that I knew I still had a doctor that I could get anything I wanted from..... well, God must have seen that I didn't have the strength to no longer see that doctor, so the DEA ended up calling that doctor and telling him not to give me anymore schedule II narcotics. So he went down to hydrocodone.... which does nothing for me except give me a pill that I can say is a narcotic and for some reason that pill seems to fill the void in my soul ..... but only for a very short time and then I crash.... so then more and more pills are needed. But I have seven left. I am using them to wean off so maybe the withdrawals won't be as bad and then I'll go back to taking the detox meds and quit those in a couple weeks like I have before.

I'm done. I tried the method of just taking it when I absolutely reached a level 10 of pain..... it didn't work. I'm too much of an addict. I don't want to play into the addictive behaviors anymore. I don't want to be known as someone who lies, manipulates, to get what I want in life. I do know someone that like who does it in a much more extreme form, but I absolutely HATE it about her and I don't want to be seen in the same way. Most importantly I know it displeases God and I want to live for Him..... where do I start? I will start by finding something on the internet to listen to that is spiritually encouragement and then I will read my Bible and journal my prayers. One thing I did at Mercy that really connected me to God was journaling my prayers so I must start that again. I really need accountability. I need it or I won't make it. I need Heidi and Todd to be my "truth-tellers" and hold me to God's standard. I just pray that I will find other people like that too so I can have a network to lean on and turn to.

I feel a little better that I blogged now. I am asking those of you who are following my blog to check up on me, encourage me, give it to me straight.... I know several of you are recovered addicts too and I need to hear from you. I need to know this can be done. Please tell me it can because right now, I do NOT like what I see in the mirror..... this girl in the mirror needs to change..... Thank God for second chances (and so on and so on..... this may be my 572nd chance..... )