The Emptiness....

It's a scary thing to know that I'm done with pills. It scares the hell outta me. I want some pills do dang bad today.... my anxiety is through the roof and I don't know what to do. I want to trust God to handle it but the anxiety is still there!! There is this sick empty feeling in my stomach.... I feel like I just lost my best friend. My best friend yet my worst enemy. It will never make sense to me how a pill can have such a stronghold on someone's life. NEVER. So I just wonder is it too late for God to use me? Will my scars and defeats ruin all of His plans for me? Will I be defeated yet again? What exactly do I turn to to replace those pills? Yea, I know.... turn to God..... I guess I've always needed something concrete to turn to in addition to God.... but then, that's kinda like I'm saying God isn't enough...... and I know that He is.... I have to trust it...... the other night Heidi was making me do something (I don't remember what it was) and I was fighting her the whole way..... then she finally said "Jenn do you trust me?" I said yes..... and that was that.... then I was able to cooperate with her and do what she wanted me to do..... so do I trust God like that? Can I just follow Him blindly? Shoot what other choice do I have really? I'm going to go downhill and never make it back if I don't choose to do SOMEthing that works..... and the only thing I have EVER found that works is .... God..... today, I am going to find the strength I've never had.... and I'm going to put my trust in God to take my pain.... the pain of addiction is one that cannot be explained in words..... and you don't know it unless you have been there.... I've been through it all and nothing compares to the pain of addiction. I'm not crazy about 12 step groups, but one thing that they say is true..... drugs lead to jails, institutions or death...... well, my dad died from addiction..... i've been in institutions... the only thing left is jails.... and actually I spent 4 hours in a jail because of Rx fraud.... so I guess I've exhausted those things..... now it's time to try something that works..... God..... alright God, You lead because I'm lost in pain right now and I don't know where I'm going..... or how I'm getting there.....