Reflecting into the past

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I don't like what I see.....

Ok, so I've been gone from home one month as of today. My trip to the midwest has turned into a 4-5 week trip from the 2 1/2 week trip it was intended to be. Why? Cuz life happens. Or actually I just happen. My drug addiction is tearing me apart on the inside and it's affecting every area of my life, including the way I treat other people. The last thing I ever want is for someone to think my pills are more important than they are. I feel like an utterly and complete failure right now. My addiction once again has complete control over me and my life. I've had a lot of good time to spend with Heidi and she has thrown some pretty hard truths at me. I hate it but I'm glad that she is that kind of friend. Sometimes I don't understand why she doesn't just give up on me and say "Jenn it's been 20 years.... if you don't get it by now, you never will." Thank God she hasn't done that and I don't believe she ever will..... but why, geeze.. I am not worth it. I don't deserve her in the least bit. I don't deserve her friendship, let alone being part of her family. 
So why is this happening.... where am I going wrong? Why can't I flippen GET it?????? I know why but I don't know why I keep choosing to turn from the real true source of help--God Himself. I was clean for about 2 years and during those two years, God was a big part of my life..... He was even FIRST in my life for a huge chunk of that time. So why is it so easy to just walk away from that?
I'm so angry at this addiction for the stronghold it continues to have on me. The tears just won't stop. I want so badly to move back this way so I can have the support system I've had for 20 years ..... so they will be closer to me and I can use that as a basis for my support while branching out and meeting other people as well. I just don't know how to find the kind of friend that Heidi is, back in Virginia Beach..... I have tried..... I had what I thought was one and then after one blow up between the two of us, she ended our friendship. I'm so scared that people will just continue to always walk away from me. I still fear Heidi and Todd will, even though I know that to not be true. So how do I get God back in my life and make Him first in my life, more importantly? Will He even take me back this time? Or am I too far gone, like that verse in Hebrews that always scares me. Am I really so far gone that I just cannot be brought back to Him this time?

I have had a good trip overall..... have spent some amazingly quality time with a lot of people from my family and then some friends.... but some pretty crappy stuff has happened too. I'm trying to lead someone else the same way that Heidi has led me.... only problem is I'm not like Heidi and I'm not strong like she is..... So anyway, a couple nights ago, I had a nervous breakdown ... I don't know what it was..... I felt like maybe it was just lack of sleep.... I had been pretty sleep deprived for about 5 days and I was emotional as hell and having night terrors and flashbacks and dissociating and everything. It got to the point one night where Heidi took me to the hospital.... and what I feared happening if I went,.... did. Of course they thought I was crazy and shipped me over to another hospital with a psych ward on it..... I'll be damned if I go to a hospital again when I'm sleep deprived or emotional. Unless I'm darn near suicide, the hospital will not be seeing any of me again. Screw that. So I stayed there for a little over 24 hours.... it was pure hell. I hated every minute of it and all I did was take their psychotropic drugs to help me sleep through it. I just want to escape. I still do but I know it's not the right choice. So this is where I find myself. I am in a deep pit and I also happen to be someone else's lifeline..... how do those two things jive? I was told today by someone that if I didn't watch what I say to Gracie that I may end up having a dead girl on my hands..... that hurt like hell. So now I'm responsible for all her choices too???? She ended up cutting because of me and my addiction...... I'm sorry, but that's a lot of pressure ...... how the hell am I supposed to focus on my issues (mainly my addiction and the flashbacks that keep coming up, right now because of the Indiana daily fireworks) and worry that I am responsible for keeping someone else alive? Is that even fair? Am I being selfish..... God knows I've given my all to Gracie to try and help keep her head above water..... she has come a long way in 4 months and she credits a lot of that to me, even though I put the credit right back on her because she has been the one making good choices to get her this far. I'm not trying to be selfish in any way at all.... I love her to death and only want the best for her.... sometimes I wonder if I am it.... but I try my best...... I just know I could be so much more for her if I could kick the addiction to pills to the curb and never look back. I look at myself in the mirror and I HATE myself..... I hate who I've become..... God knows I'm at rock bottom now and I have to do something or others will have a dead girl on THEIR hands. And that would be no one's choice but mine. I don't see myself going that route, but I can't stay here..... that's for damn sure. Right now, it's do or die. Have I said these things before? Yep.... so why should anyone believe in me..... really, why should they? Heidi says I'm in the same cycle I was in 10 years ago..... little does she know that I have actually made quite a bit of progress since then. She doesn't see it though because she doesn't live with me on a daily basis. But I can certainly see where she is coming from and why she sees that. I had a conversation with her a few nights ago about how I just wanted to badly to make her proud. Hell, I'm not someone she can be proud of... I don't know if I've ever been. She tells me that I need to worry more about God being proud of me.... and I see that too, but I'm human too and everyone needs some form of acceptance from others..... and that just happens to be what I need from her. Will that ever happen? I don't know but I can hear her now..... "Jenn don't try so hard to make me proud.... just make sure you are making good choices and making God proud."

So..... this pill addiction. Why???? Why can it have this strong of a hold on me? I just want to be done! I really do.... my choices don't portray that and no one sees that.... but in my heart, I know I want to be done. The question is, then, I guess.... "am I ready?"  Maybe I haven't been. But at rock bottom, I guess I have to be. What scares me so flippen much about being drug free? I remember those two weeks about 2 months ago that I was completely clean and it was hard, but towards the end of the two weeks it was great. The problem was that I knew I still had a doctor that I could get anything I wanted from..... well, God must have seen that I didn't have the strength to no longer see that doctor, so the DEA ended up calling that doctor and telling him not to give me anymore schedule II narcotics. So he went down to hydrocodone.... which does nothing for me except give me a pill that I can say is a narcotic and for some reason that pill seems to fill the void in my soul ..... but only for a very short time and then I crash.... so then more and more pills are needed. But I have seven left. I am using them to wean off so maybe the withdrawals won't be as bad and then I'll go back to taking the detox meds and quit those in a couple weeks like I have before.

I'm done. I tried the method of just taking it when I absolutely reached a level 10 of pain..... it didn't work. I'm too much of an addict. I don't want to play into the addictive behaviors anymore. I don't want to be known as someone who lies, manipulates, to get what I want in life. I do know someone that like who does it in a much more extreme form, but I absolutely HATE it about her and I don't want to be seen in the same way. Most importantly I know it displeases God and I want to live for Him..... where do I start? I will start by finding something on the internet to listen to that is spiritually encouragement and then I will read my Bible and journal my prayers. One thing I did at Mercy that really connected me to God was journaling my prayers so I must start that again. I really need accountability. I need it or I won't make it. I need Heidi and Todd to be my "truth-tellers" and hold me to God's standard. I just pray that I will find other people like that too so I can have a network to lean on and turn to.

I feel a little better that I blogged now. I am asking those of you who are following my blog to check up on me, encourage me, give it to me straight.... I know several of you are recovered addicts too and I need to hear from you. I need to know this can be done. Please tell me it can because right now, I do NOT like what I see in the mirror..... this girl in the mirror needs to change..... Thank God for second chances (and so on and so on..... this may be my 572nd chance..... )