Flushed the pills.....

Well I'm scared as hell right now.  How am I going to beat this? I've got 2 more days and then I'm out of pills.... and it's down to withdrawals meds (just the tramadol) and that will take about 5 days to do for detox. I'm done. No more just trying to take them only when I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. If I have to make an ER visit once to three times a month when I reach that pain level, so be it. But as far as trying to control the meds myself, it's over. I hate my addiction more than I've ever hated anything in my life. Why does it hurt so damn much? There's an emptiness and a loneliness and a void in my heart that I'm completely sick to my stomach. Heidi left today for a couple days with her family and when she left, things were not really okay between us. She is not happy with me and I don't blame her. I do think she was a little harsh in some ways, but fair and truthful in all the rest. But when she left, I was sick to my stomach. I can't stand to "go to bed angry" with someone or vice versa.... I am the type of person who needs to resolve things before I part ways with someone for any amount of time. And not being able to do so kills me inside. I hate it. Do I worry too much about what people think? Well maybe so but I don't know any other way. I just know this whole thing hurts. Will I ever leave this cycle I come back to over and over and over? I don't WANT to be here!!!! I'd rather die than to stay in this cycle of addiction. I'd honestly rather just die. I can't have too many more nervous breakdowns like I had the other night. That was a mix of a lot of things though. There are just some things in life that I don't know how to handle and I think I do until I realize it's just over my head. What I really want to do right now is just go flush the rest of those pills and go straight to the tramadol for withdrawals. Do I have the strength to do it?

(30 minutes later) Wow I just shocked myself, I ran to the bathroom and flushed the last of my pills. God, I wish I would have done that in front of Heidi.... but Larry saw me do it and he can vouch for me..... most of all God saw me do it..... but here I go again, desperate to make her proud...... ugh, one step at a time......

All I could do afterwards was cry and cry and cry. I've never done anything like that in my life..... NEVER. Why does this hurt so bad??? God, I'm trusting You now.... in blind faith because the addict in me wants to say that I won't be able to do this and STAY done with it...... but I have to trust You or I won't make it in life from here on out..... I really think I'm done this time God.... if I can flush pills, I'm done.... I'm done.....  well tomorrow is day one of detox..... we'll see how that goes...... AGAIN. I have nothing for anxiety or anything though so I'm scared to death. Please God, help my unbelief. Help my anxiety to calm down.... just help me through this. I have realized I can't do it in my own strength.... I can't...... how long does it have to take me to realize that?

So i'm going to detox on my own but now I need to find some kind of rehab and I'm really wanting a Christian rehab....  we'll see where God leads..... the main thing I'm scared of is if I'm someone else's lifeline.... how can I just leave and go to rehab..... I'm so confused .... and scared..... God is in control now..... I can't handle the control obviously..... another thing God, please help me not to replace this addiction with the Eating Disorder that I worked so hard to overcome...... please help me to remember that only you can fill the God shaped hole in me..... nothing else works..... I KNOW these things yet I have ignored them for so long...... help God.... just help please.....