Craving something awful.....

So today is one of those days when my pain is pretty intense.... my physical pain..... I slept 5 hours on a children's bed, one NOT made for my back.... so my desire for pills today is pretty strong. I still feel pretty empty w/o them. I had a pretty good talk with Heidi last night and I know that it's time to head back to Virginia Beach even though I am not ready..... but the truth is, if it's not today, it will be another day and no matter what I won't be ready..... reality is there..... the reality that I'm going back w/o pills, and no support besides Larry..... Gracy, too, but I don't expect support from her..... She isn't at that point yet and I understand that...... so how I'm going to fight my fight and help her fight her fight too is beyond me but I know that God is in control. He has to be or it won't work. I must must must find a church when I get back and establish some sort of support network for as long as I'm going to be there anyway. No matter what, I still want to move back this way. I really miss my family and friends.... these are people that have always been there..... in Va Beach, I have pretty much found people to come and go and that doesn't suit me very well! 
So anyway, the withdrawals are pretty much gone. They weren't nearly as bad this time because my relapse didn't last for too long. So if i can make it past the withdrawal point, and keep going forward, then I have no reason to look back. It's going to be a long road though between fighting this and helping to guide Gracy to the path where she needs to be....  I think I can do this w/o rehab... that is going to be what I try and if I find myself failing at it, then rehab it is. I know that I said before I thought I could do it w/o rehab but that was while I was still trying to "control" the pills and only take them when needed and it was before I lost my Oxycontin connection. So to even THINK I could do that was Ludacris..... it must have been my addiction having reservations about the whole thing but I completely have no reservations this time.... I'm even willing to go to some NA groups if I have to even though I hate them... but whatever keeps me afloat with all of this..... no, actually, I found a Christian Recovery program at a church and I'm going to try that..... I think it's one that I tried several years ago and it was pretty good.....

So God, today I'm craving something awful..... and I know that I won't make it through the day without your help....please just take my desire for pills away and replace it with a desire for more of You.... help me to be the example I need to be for Gracy so that she, too, can see that there is a better life with You away from addiction and pain. Help her to give her pain to You and not take it back. God, help me to do the same. Help me to know that even though I don't feel equipped sometimes for "the job" that You are really the One in control and You will guide me through it all. I love You.... please help me to live in such a way that portrays just that.

We are heading out in a little while.... I've gotten very little sleep so I'm glad Larry is here with us to help take us back..... God, keep us safe on the road.....