Reflecting into the past

Friday, October 8, 2010

This and That

So it's been about 3 weeks since I've blogged. The truth is, I've been in a fog and a severe depression for the past 3 weeks or so. I simply haven't wanted to face reality, period. Right now, reality sucks. I want no part of it. What I DO want is drugs. What I DO want is to make the past go away. What I DO want is to live a "normal" life and not to feel like I have to "pretend" everything is okay when it's just simply NOT! I'm tired of the fact that I can tell someone something til I'm blue in the face (the truth) when the simple fact of it is that people are going to believe what they want or choose to believe. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong for everyone else when the truth is I can't even be strong for myself right now. I'm hanging on by a thread and not too much longer and that thread's going to break. Am I smart enough to know that I should hurry and hang onto something else other than the thread that's about to break before people lose me altogether? Sure, I am..... do I have the emotional strength to do so? That's a different story. I don't know right now. I just don't know. Do I even know HOW to change that by which I'm hanging? I don't know the answer to that either! God knows I've TRIED. For someone who hates the word "try" and "can't", i'm sure using those words a lot lately. God knows how many times I've been suicidal in the past 3 weeks. Only He knows. I don't have it in me to simply end my life on my own, so why tell anyone? I'm not in any danger so why worry those around me? It's not like they can't see that I'm clearly depressed anyway. It's painfully obvious. When did my depression start this time? It started when a bunch of changes took place in my life (not good or bad, just change, period) and then very soon after, I hurt my lower back and I've been in more pain than I've been in in a long time, and then I guess reality set in that I would have to finally face my painful past w/o the use of pills. That reality isn't settling too well with me.
I'm missing my dad like crazy. I wish so bad that he were here and that I could talk to him about the pain and struggle with pain and addiction combined.... he would understand..... I was too little to remember, but I know that my dad struggled with addiction to pain pills at one time in his life after having his hip replacements..... and I remember him warning me not to get into pills when I first started on them b/c I had kidney stones.... but I had no idea what he really meant..... well I do now. Sometimes I'll go to an AA meeting and I'll get so angry that all these alcoholics made it out alive but that my dad had to be taken away from me b/c of the SOB alcohol..... it's so not fair. What I would give to sit next to him and listen to him play his guitar which he was so amazingly good at. The man could sing like none other..... he sounded a lot like waylon jennings..... he was just amazing. I miss him so much. I want to come out of this addiction alive and make him proud of me. It sure is a lot harder than I thought it would be.......


Brother Frankie said...

i am still praying for ya.. empathy as at times have been right where you are..

u r loved
brother frankie