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Reflecting into the past

Monday, May 10, 2010

An attempt to ride and blog at the same time....

Ok so Larry is driving and we have a LONG trip ahead of us.... still about 13 hours to go and he is in his driving zone.... watch out.... currently the MPH reads 83. Geeze... so anyway, if I can keep my mind here and not on the road, I'll see what I can do......

We had a really great trip. It was exciting to make it possible for some of Gracy's dreams to come true.... to watch her light up and be in amazement of where she was this week in comparison to where she was 3 months ago. Two different worlds and I'm glad she was in this one this week..... she is doing relatively well..... definitely has her struggles but we are working through them. I'm really struggling right now though because I'm scared that maybe I wasn't ready to play the mentor role that I ended up in.... I mean, that isn't to say I regret anything by any means because she has assured me that w/o me, she wouldn't be even close to where she is now..... but here lately, I question my ability, my competence...... am I less than what she needs? Am I strong enough to continue to work through my issues while also guiding her and helping her through hers? I have been pushing her pretty hard lately and I guess I got kinda excited that she was doing so well that I just kept pushing harder and harder and it got to be a bit much for her.... I appreciate her honesty though about that..... so, I am scared that I am going to fail her. So incredibly scared. Am I too incompetent for the mentor role? They say no, but I feel like I am unable to fall apart and struggle myself. Not that I WANT to, obviously .... it's the last thing I want..... but what do I do when I feel it all building up inside? If I am putting all my strength and energy into keeping her on track, what happens when it builds up so far that I do fall apart.....because only so much can build up inside before it explodes. And I don't mean explode as in anger.... I mean just crumble to the ground. Then if she is hanging on to me is she going to fall down with me? The last thing I want to do is fail her.... it scares me. It is a lot of responsibility when someone looks up to you so incredibly much.... and it is a responsibility that I am happy to take.... but it's just a lot of pressure sometimes and I dont know.... it just scares me! I seem to fail so much in every relationship I'm ever in and I don't really know what it is...... right now, I'm trying to let everything out, but believe me, this is just the surface and I'm having a really hard time reaching what's deeper beneath. I'm not even looking at the computer screen. It's like I'm looking right through it..... yea I'm dissociating quite a bit..... I don't know how to come out of it..... grr maybe part of it is that Larry is driving like a maniac...... ugh tailgating... I can't stand it.... don't ppl know how dangerous that is???

Ah my pill addiction...... I suppose you want to know how I'm doing with that. Well, I used a bit more this week than normal..... and honestly, I don't know how much was addiction and how much was honest red level pain. There really was quite a bit of red level pain this week because I have Sciatica nerve issues right now so walking so much has about killed me this week.... so I tried the whole wheelchair thing and that didn't work much either because if you've ever had sciatica issues, you know that sitting is almost impossible.  Anyway, but if I am completely honest, as I am being right now, I would have to say half the time my addiction controlled my pill intake this week. Ugh!!!! Am I ever going to beat this???? I would say I've had a bit of a relapse because after what Kea did, I wanted to say screw it all.... so yea, I've tried to hide the pain by taking pills a few times this week.....  ugh her head is so messed up.... she can't even see what she is doing... we all see it.....  if she wants to shut her family out (all I did was stand by Gracy b/c of the way she was being treated, it was ridiculous... so yea, I got a little protective... forgive me, geeze) and get her head all messed up with some guy who thinks he is God.... then, she just has a lot of growing up to do...... I pray that she will come to her senses one day.  She had been telling me recently that she snaps out of nowhere at times because of the pain and anger she is discovering inside so maybe that is what happened but either way, it's painful and I can't take it anymore.... in and out, in and out, wishy washy..... if you're going to be in my life..... then dammit, be in it...... if you don't want to be in my life..... goodbye.  I just need real genuine ppl in my life.... I need something solid to stand on..... I feel like that solid ground I thought I was on got shaken quite a bit..... but I have to remember I still have Larry and Gracy...... Gracy and I got a little disconnected but she has reassured me that this is something every mentor type friendship goes through because it is a process of getting to know one another. As long as I haven't failed her, then good..... we'll make it through..... that's what I have noticed about Gracy .... she doesn't walk away when something gets tough.... kea is there when it is convenient for HER.... if it is too tough, then she walks away..... Gracy is just there..... always..... someone you can count on for sure and I'm glad to have that. I just pray I don't fail her. I have GOT to beat this addiction once and for all and then I'm sure I could help her quite a bit..... but until then, oh I don't know.... I'm just damn tired of fighting addiction..... how can something have such a strong hold on someone? And I'm STRONG too!!! I've been through crazy stuff that a lot of ppl would have never survived. I'm definitely a tough girl but I guess something is tougher than me.... pill addiction and pain too. Tired of fighting the honest to God red level pain that I fight almost daily lately..... going to the doctor is hard right now because of my past experiences with doctors..... I've always been looked down at as a drug seeker..... and sure, I have been just that at times...... but in the past year or so, I have not done that once..... I have not gone to the doctor for anything other than red level pain in over a year.

You know, I have a lot of SHAME I'm dealing with right now. That's what is eating me up inside I just realized. But for the past 4 days, I have done exceptionally well with the pills. I only took them once a day (in the morning when I hurt the most) for 2 days and then I skipped two days (didn't take any for 2 days) then I took a dose last night. So really my addiction just got the best of me during the very beginning of the trip. So I have to tell myself hey that's a really great job.... I can do this. I have nothing to be ashamed for. I have a problem and I'm working on it. It's just so incredibly frustrating because I would love to be able to be completely drug free but what the hell do I DO when I get to that honest to God red level pain? Seriously, WHAT DO I DO????? There are no answers for me..... it's all dead end..... and this is where it gets so incredibly emotionally painful..... I'm at the point of breaking down..... why has God chosen to allow me to live in such pain??? And where the hell is this new pain coming from? I have never had Sciatica nerve problems...... why now??? Come on God..... as if I don't have enough pain to deal with??? Seriously? Please I just want a break........

1 comments:

Barbara said...

Hi. I just read this and wanted to say hello and let you know I am here. I am so tired I can barely type....it was good to see a post from you and I hope your pain subsides...Sounds like you are doing pretty good :)