Grieving and learning about God's Grace....

God knows I want some pills tonight..... I thought this would get easier, not harder..... I don't know what I would do w/o my sponsor right now.... I keep saying she was God-sent b/c I truly believe that..... w/o God's strength right now (cuz mine is empty) I would be out searching for pills right now. Why am I grieving something that has done so much damage to my life? I feel like I lost my best friend...... like someone died! The anxiety is getting harder and harder to deal with and I used Ativan for a couple weeks to deal with it but God knows I can't keep doing that or I will end up with a Benzo addiction and I can't even go there cuz the withdrawals from those are even more dangerous than the ones from the narcotic pills, so I hear or have seen in detox centers..... besides, I don't want to depend on a pill to get me through the day. What the heck is it about a pill that is so appealing to me? I don't understand. It got to the point to where they didn't make me high lonnnnnnnng time ago so I don't get what it was about them that I just HAD to have...... the ativan helped the anxiety but I could control them..... I didn't have to do more than necessary (more than prescribed) in order to feel like I had enough...... but I'm sure it would get to that point if I continued them so I haven't gone back for anymore.... part of it is the pain I'm still in from my nice little red flag ocean escapade..... but a lot of this if not most is psychological I know...... I went out of town.... yea I think I said that in my last post.... and I did the meeting my sponsor told me to do and I did so again tonight which I did NOT want to do..... and I shared, which God knows is so hard for me to do...... it's uncomfortable..... but sometimes we have to put ourselves in uncomfortable situations/positions in order to get ahead in life....  getting out of our comfort zones I guess is what I'm talking about here..... maybe that's what I'm dealing with..... maybe I'm answering my own questions as I blog..... sometimes that happens.... sometimes that's why blogging helps..... but yea so anyway, I'm struggling like hell tonight and God knows I need more strength..... but somehow, some way, I'm keeping myself from going out searching for pills..... so maybe I have the strength from Him that I need and I just want the struggle to go away.......

Ok so I just read 2 Corinthians 12..... 7-9 says "There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

I have heard that verse and loved it for so long but I didn't remember where it was.... I just opened up and started reading 2 Cor 12..... yep, God always meets us where we are..... maybe He's telling me I have the strength I need from Him and through my own weakness, God will and can use me to help others? I don't know, but it does remind me of one of my favorite songs by Matthew West..... the lyrics are here:

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace

You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun

An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…

And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…


There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…

There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.


So what I got out of this blog is this. God's grace is enough for me. I have all that I need through Him. I will make it yet through another night without pills b/c I don't need them. I only need God and His grace is sufficient for me..... for the next 5 minutes and the 5 minutes after that.... and so on......