Reflecting into the past

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Not Today

Everyday I wake up and I ask myself, "is this the day when I will finally give up? And the answer has been the same ever since I started asking myself the question. Not today" Not today.

Ever? Will I ever give up? Apparently it's not in me to just quit. Nah, I've been through too much to quit now. But what next? I can't live with this god-forsaken addiction anymore. Something has to give. I sit up at night and watch the clock from 2 a.m. til I pass out sometimes around 7 or 8 a.m. It's miserable and it's lonely. I have laid in bed for several days at a time until my back could no longer take being plastered to a mattress. So I'd get up and walk around the house, trying to make myself useful for a day or so until my back recovered and then I'd lay in bed for another few days. It's no way to live, really. I just exist from day to day with no real purpose. I lie alone with my thoughts everyday and what goes on inside my head on a day to day basis is enough to drive anyone insane. I'm surprised I'm not there, yet. Even simple daily living skills are huge chores to me anymore.

So, what's it going to take? Have I not hit rock bottom yet? I once beat an addiction to crack, but that was only a 6 to 8 month ordeal. Now talk about rock bottom. That was it, definitely. Homeless, living on the streets, doing everything that goes against my moral values just to get my drug each day. I'll revisit that year in another blog post. I've beaten an eating disorder addiction. That was about a 5 year battle but I did it. I overcame. But when narcotic pain killers got a hold of my life, they took all control away from me. I have no control over my life. I've lost it, completely. These pills are the devil yet they are my best friend. What is it about them that I can't seem to let go? Part of it is the pain I experience from day to day, but most of it is not. Most of it is a psychological addiction that I just can't seem to conquer. I simply don't know how to live life without these pills. They don't even give me the pleasure of making me high anymore. So it's not that. What the hell is the problem then? I can't seem to pinpoint it. YET. I am determined though. I will find the trigger and I will kill it with every everlasting bit of rage I have in me. It will NOT survive once I find it. So tomorrow.... I will ask myself again....

"Is today the day for me to give up? Um..... I might think for a minute.... but the answer will still be the same. Not today. Not today."


Barbara aka Layla said...

Thank you so much for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. I just read what you wrote here and my heart breaks for you, and so many others that are struggling like this. It enrages me because its NOT your fault. Its the fault of the drug which is very addicting. You've proven that you can conquer an addition, crack AND an eating disorder - those are momumental things to overcome! And you did it! So you can get off these opiates too (assuming that your taking vidodin or oxy or one of those).

I'm glad you're writing here. There is hope for you, lots of it. I want to talk to you more, right now I have to go pick up my son....