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Reflecting into the past

Monday, June 20, 2011

A Letter to God

So God, it's me again. I know, I messed up. Why is it so easy to turn back to such painful things like my eating disorder, drugs, etc. when You are supposed to be the true Healer? I mean, I believe that You are, but it isn't making sense to me. I turn to You, and I continue to hurt and hurt and hurt and then things come crashing down even harder, and I can only do so much, God. This just hurts too darn much! I just want to scream at You sometimes!!! WHY are you allowing all of this pain in my life? Usually something comes of it and I get it, but this time, this year, it's just too much. I try to give it to You, but it feels like You are not taking it, so I say, screw it and turn back to something that I can hide behind, like an Eating Disorder, or drugs. I'm making this letter to You public so I can be honest about the fact that I've screwed up big time, but I'm so ashamed. That's why it's taken me some time to do this. NOW I've got shame on top of everything else. I got people walking away from me, people preaching at me, people giving me a hard time about the screw ups. Just make it stop!!! All of it!! Do they not know I am harder on myself than they could ever be?? I'm so glad I'm beginning counseling with someone I'll hopefully like better this week. I am praying to You that You will use her to help me through this. Cuz' God, right now, I'd rather just lie down and die. I can only do this for so long. What kind of life is this? I'm in so much physical pain, from head to toe, literally,  and I can hardly do anything. I try to travel, but even THAT is beginning to diminish because I can barely stand to do it. Are you really going to take EVERYthing from me? Please stop it!! I need these things. I need to enjoy life, not cry all the time. I need to remember what it's like to just be happy and not hurt so much. I'm dying inside. I am tired of keeping everything inside. Either people will accept me or they won't. But it hurts when they don't! Even though I bring it on myself. I don't deserve anything good anymore. So what is the point? Really, tell me God, cuz I don't know what it is anymore!! I've lost sight of so much in life it's unreal. Please take the people away who are only going to judge me and condemn me, walk away from me, and leave the ones who are going to love me even though they know everything about me. I'm done trusting people. Why did You have to take away something that was helping me so much in life? As soon as I finally trust that it's going to stay, something happens (or *I* happen) and bam, it's gone. Just like that. Gone. I'm tired of wishy washyness..... why do they tell me they'll stay and that I'm worth their time, blah blah blah, if it's just words..... just words, I'm sick of just words, God. I want people in my life who are real. I can only find a couple it seems, but I don't even feel like I deserve them, so part of me wants to wall myself off from them, but part of me wants to cling to it and never let go. The problem is eventually they let go of me. So what's the point anymore? I'm so sorry I screwed up God. I'm so sorry. I know You will forgive me. I only hope they will, and even more so, I hope that I can forgive myself. Maybe then I can begin to heal? Or will healing ever even come? I'm so lost right now, I just need some answers, God..... please.....

2 comments:

Barbara said...

Hi Sweetness. I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard year. We all want to be accepted for who we are, as we are, and its natural to hurt when that doesn't happen. I wish I could encourage you by saying God will help you, but I gave up on him after praying for 17 years for my son and never having the prayer answered, and having one of my prayers (that he would not use drugs) thrown back in my face. I am not longer a Believer. I feel much more freedom and a lot less guilt, anger and disappointment.

We all screw up, so please don't be so hard on yourself. You're a special person and I hope that things turn better for you soon. Let me how the counseling goes.

Kali said...

Barbara, can I have your email? Thanks so much for always reading my blog and responding....