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Reflecting into the past

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

If only I had the "WHY"

Ok here comes this long post that has been needing to be posted for too long. I'm just gonna get it out. I can not believe what I have done and not been held accountable for. I cannot believe that I drove like 30 miles totally wasted on ativan and crossing the median and everything. I could have killed someone or killed myself or gotten arrested for a DUI. This is honestly the most scared I have ever been of my addiction.  The only difference between me and a lot of ppl in prison is that they got caught and I didn't. I can not believe I am sitting here with a laptop in the comfort of my own bed when I could be sleeping on a hard thing they  call a mattress in jail scared to death. This is the first time I have ever been totally stunned by my addiction. I sit and I am alone with my thoughts and they scare me to death at this point. I'm just glad I have control over whether or not this gets stopped instead of someone stopping me with like, jail. Now I often wonder why pills? My dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alcoholic. My other brother loves weed, and I'm all about pills. I'm not even drawn to alcohol except on a rare occasion, but I never take it too far. Yea, I used to party and get drunk and stuff, but that was back then and I was a lot younger, but now it's just not for me, and I'm so glad as easy as it is to get. You know how hard it is to get pain medicine anymore? Unless you're driving to Florida or Georgia to a pill mill, good luck. But back to the "why"? Why pills? What makes me so drawn to a pill? If you hand me a pill and tell me it's addictive, I want every single pill you got and then some. But if you hand me a pill and tell me it will help my heart condition, I'll give it up in a heartbeat. I mean, what's up with that? Tonight, I'm just in a brutally honest mood. No messing around. I just want drugs.... I want it for my physical pain and I want to be numb. I can't handle the past or something, but i don't even think about the past. I can't even get through each day without thinking about wanting a pill. I don't know. I am gonna end this here. I'm very frustrated with myself and who I've become. I've become my dad, only on pills instead of alcohol. That hurts. I want something different. Why can't I reach it? WHY??????

1 comments:

Barbara said...

Oh Sweetness....you are so honest here and your pain and frustration are jumping off the screen. I am scared for all of you (and when I say "you" I mean all opiate addicts) because I hear it over and over. Listen, its NOT your fault. You got addicted and now you are faced with the toughest battle of your life. I wish there was an easier way to get on the other side of it. Please don't beat yourself up. You got your huge wake-up call, you didn't get in an accident or get pulled over, so you are meant to keep moving forward and working on not using pills.
I feel so stupid saying all this because what I really want to do is hug you and say "i know how hard it is, i see it, hear and read about it every day, but I believe you can do it".