Reflecting into the past

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Hey y'all!
Man, I've been working my butt off! I just traveled to Raleigh, NC to do some video mystery shops which pay pretty darn good actually, but it is truly work! No complaints though... This is just my first time working in 7 years. That's what drugs did to me! I actually have a life now and am very happy in it.....

I have to say, though, I am really struggling now for some reason.... I am finding myself googling "legal ways to get high" and things like that. It's like I'm grieving the loss of all my drugs. I don't get it.... I'm so happy without them, yet I sometimes wish I had them back! What the heck is that all about? They stole so much from me! Why would I mourn the loss of something like that??? It's like I had a "love/hate relationship" with the pills. I almost feel like I was having a "love affair" with them and "cheating" on my husband with them! I know that might sound really weird to some of you, but it really feels like that!

I'm thinking of going back to therapy, because I was on drugs for like 13 years straight almost and therefore, my past was kind of blocked out, so to speak. I've heard from drug counselors before that when someone does drugs for so long and then they stop, when they stop, they are basically the same age mentally and emotionally that they were when they  started. So that would make me like 21 now. I'm like 21 in a 35 year old's body pretty much I guess. I'm having nightmares about the horrible things I endured before I got on drugs. I find myself thinking about those events more often than I'd really like to be. My last counselor said I should write about my past and it would bring healing. Write about it??? I'd really rather forget about it instead!! But she has the degree... maybe she has a point. Who knows?

I just thought I'd share a little bit of what's going on with me. I know if I shared all of this with my best friend (who I really need to call! I've been horrible with keeping in touch with her!) the first thing she'd say is "are you going to church?" And sadly, my answer would be "no." I don't have an excuse and I know I need to be in church as it truly is where the answers are. I need to be associating myself with other Christians where I can get support and positive socialization. I am going to commit to finding a church that I want to stick with and truly sticking with it. Next Sunday, I will have a Church picked out and actually GO!!

That's all for now! Don't be afraid to send me comments! Let me know you're there! I need your support too! Please!

Be good y'all!
God Bless,


Unknown said...

I was very encouraged to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this special read. I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have bookmarked you to check out new stuff you post.

Kali said...

Well thank you so much! That means a lot to me! It really does! I'd love to hear more from you... do you have a blog?

Hillary said...

What an inspirational blog. Thank you for sharing, keep up the good work.

Cris said...

Any new updates, Kali? I think you've done great! Hope you're in good health now.