Reflecting into the past

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Dealing with Reality

I know that I need to blog more often. It is a good outlet and so often, I just hide in the dark, in bed, in my sleep. This drug addiction is killing me inside.
Let me preface this post by saying things around me have changed even a lot MORE since my last post. We had Jess and Gracie who moved in and it was great having the two girls around..... then we all realized that Jess just wasn't who she said she was. She lied about everyone to everyone and she turned out to be nothing but an "issue copycat" that just wanted attention and sympathy. It was heartbreaking for us all. But the situation now is this: I am making a lot of changes in my own life and have been empowered beyond belief lately to fight my drug addiction. Gracie still lives with us and God brought her to us at just the right time. I will talk about her and the situation there in another post because I want to blog about how my life has changed as a result of her and I crossing paths the way we have.
 I'm on the verge of relapse to my eating disorder (anorexia/bulimia) and I'm fighting that with all that I have. I'm strong in a lot of areas (and am just older so a little wiser in some ways) where Gracie isn't and I help her there..... she is strong in a lot of ways where I am not and I get support from her there. However, between Keagen fighting her ED in a treatment center and Gracie fighting her demons here..... I've gained more strength towards fighting my drug addiction. I HATE this addiction. I'm tired of living like I live. I'm tired of hiding and not having any life at all. Right now, I want to purge all my emotions onto my computer screen and uh, the words just aren't there. I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, paralyzed by the fear of living a life without drugs. I'm going to go to a rehab center very soon. We are scheduled to go to Disney World in the beginning of April so right after that, I'm going to rehab. I am excited to go but scared to death.
P.S. I'm very sorry to those who I haven't kept in touch with.... Barbara, I still pray for your boys..... I know their pain. I do..... omg, I do. The pain is so real and I can only imagine your pain. Thanks, everyone, for your support.... keep onto me about going to rehab..... I cannot back out..... it will end my life if I do......Gracie said something to me the other day that stuck with me.... I was talking about how I could meet her needs and she said one thing I need to do is to get clean cuz it would tear her world apart if anything happened to me. That hits home. I really want to get clean.....
Please God help me.....