Reflecting into the past

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Breaking down walls, getting real with myself and others....

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a few days..... Let me backtrack..... Easter weekend was beyond amazing. We found some really cool spots in the mountains and climbed rocks and hiked a bit.... And, I did the whole weekend without any pain pills!

Now about yesterday..... it was a VERY rough day to say the least. I'm almost a week into the fight with narcotics..... I don't have anymore pills right now for a few days..... BUT the fight not to doctor shop was beyond difficult. Yesterday, I was mad as hell at my addiction.... it doesn't have the right to put me through this!! My body is having a hard time not having any narcotics in it. A couple days ago I just knocked myself out all day... then the next day, I decided not to because that was my old way of dealing with not having any pills. I got up and spent a lot of time with Gracie and that helped some. But yesterday, nothing seemed to help. I was a very aggressive driver yesterday (that is NOT me at all) and I just drove like I was mad at the world. We went down to the beach last night and I thought that would help, but no not really. All I could really do was go to sleep for the night and pray for a better day today. The amazing thing, though, is that I did not doctor shop yesterday. I was too mad at my addiction to even give in for one day. I won't allow it to have anymore control over me...... no more.

What I have to be very careful of is that I don't replace this addiction with another, while only fooling myself. I am struggling very much so with my Eating Disorder. I am mad about that too. I completely recovered from my ED, so it doesn't have the right to come back into my life like this. I'm not sure what brought it on but I went two days without eating anything or drinking anything. The following day, I really felt it in my body and it didn't feel good at all. I knew my blood pressure was very low based on how I felt.... I took it today and it was 80/53. My heart rate is flipping out too. Part of this is because of the fact that I'm detoxing from narcotics. But part of it is because I'm very weak from not eating. So yesterday I was determined not to let ED back into my life. Well, he already came in but I'm kicking him out again. I did eat yesterday and I will make sure to do so again today. Besides, Gracie is fighting an Eating Disorder and I must practice what I preach and be an example to her. I totally lost sight of that for a couple of days. But I'm back on track with that.....

So all in all, I'm not doing too bad. I'm struggling for sure, but I knew this wasn't going to be easy by any means.... that's why it's a fight..... but like I said at the very beginning of my blog.... Every morning I ask myself "Is today the day that I will give up?" And the answer is always the same. "Not today."