Reflecting into the past

Monday, February 7, 2011

More Challenges....

I couldn't sleep so I came downstairs to upload some photos I took today and to blog, but that was 2 hours ago. I got a little sidetracked when I realized someone was trying to scam me, yet again. It's a good thing I have an eye for non-professionalism and incorrect grammar/punctuation. That's how I spot "imitation emails" and separate them from the authentic ones. If I couldn't do that, this eBay business of mine would go downhill pretty fast! It amazes me how so many people are so quick to take advantage of someone w/ no conscience whatsoever.
Anyway, I guess it's time I blog again. It's been a month. There are 2 things in life that I truly despise and they are addiction and pain, both of which I have plenty. Since about a month ago, I started having all this pain in my stomach and both sides, front and back. It started with a kidney stone. They are so painful! Well, I finally passed that stone, and that pain was gone, but I stayed in pain. It was just a different kind of pain and it was in several areas of my torso now. Why do I have to be such a complicated person? I don't try to be, really! But it seems it always takes so long for doctors to figure out what's wrong with me. Well, after 3 ER visits and 3 different specialists, and several tests, they finally discovered I have bilateral ovarian cysts with a bad infection, and liver cysts, and also a lot of scarred tissue from when I had Gall Bladder surgery. That explains the pain being in several different spots in my abdomen and back. So to start off with, I'm on a heavy dose of antibiotics for the infection. Depending on what my pain does after that, surgery may be needed.
So needless to say, I'm on pain medication again, but not full time. I have actually surprised myself and have only taken pain meds when the pain has just gotten to be too much. My doctor knows I'm an addict and has been very supportive. By the way, that has been really hard to find. I am red-flagged in the Virginia Narcotics Monitoring Program (any doctor can look me up real quick and see that I have a history of narcotics abuse) so it makes it hard to get good medical treatment without being blown off. Gracy and my husband both have pretty much had it out with a couple of different doctors because when they saw my prescription history, they immediately judged me and provided very little medical treatment, blowing me off. It wasn't even just that they refused to help my pain; it was the fact that they assumed I was drug seeking and did very little to find the problem. I understand that I have brought some of this on myself, but I don't deserve the treatment that I have received from some doctors, either. The last time I went to the ER, I even said to the doctor up front "If you look me up in the system, you will clearly see that I have a history with narcotics. I have chronic pain and therefore have gotten addicted in the past. I'm not here for pain meds; I'm here for pain RELIEF which means I want you to find the problem so it can be fixed and I'm not left needing and/or wanting pain meds." I was STILL told I was drug seeking!! WHY would I state all of that up front if I were drug seeking? I was about ready to quit altogether after that. I know that ER doctors see a lot of people who are simply drug seeking and nothing else, and I know I have at times been one of those people. It sucks how our past can so easily come to haunt us. It doesn't make recovery any easier; that's for sure. But honestly, if I were a doctor and I really believed someone was drug seeking, instead of judging him/her, I would offer to get him/her help for addiction or something. I don't know, I just know I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone when I don't know his/her situation.
Anyway, it has been a real struggle for me to need pain medication as often as I have in the past month. I haven't abused pills or anything, and I'm not taking them often enough to get addicted again, but yesterday, I struggled pretty hard in being consumed with taking a pill when my pain level was below a 5. On the 1-10 scale, my average daily pain level is usually around a 4 or 5 and I have learned to push through that most of the time w/o anything. It's usually only about two or three times a week that it goes above a 5 and I began taking pain meds again back in October for anything that reached a 6 or higher. I have done really well with that and I'm very proud of that. I never thought I could do it. I struggled with the decision to go back to the pain meds because I feared a relapse. But I also feared being debilitated for a third of each week of the rest of my life. I feared losing a third of my life to pain. Being determined for this not to happen, I decided to try to only take pain meds when absolutely necessary to function. And so far, I have successfully done so. But since I started having all these problems in my abdomen, I am taking them more often that I would like to be, although not everyday as to not become physically dependent on/addicted to them again. So like I said, I really struggled yesterday with being consumed by taking a pill. It was only when I was driving and not occupied with something else. Gracy and I found a really cool park yesterday and spent a lot of time there and I had a great time. I didn't think about taking a pill at all while I was there. But when I was driving (which is when I do most of my "thinking"), it was all I could think about. But my pain level wasn't too bad so I know it was my addiction screaming at me. So I'm back in another battle with my addiction. I want everyone to know, though, that in the end, I didn't end up taking anything. I fought it to the end of the day and yes, I won. But this is just a reminder that I'm not out of the woods with my addiction. It will always be there, but until some miraculous cure is found to all the pain I deal with, pain meds are simply necessary for me occasionally if I want any quality of life. I just have to be on guard at all times. Yesterday, I was on guard and I didn't allow my addiction to win and get the best of me. I refuse to even go down that road again. So starting this week, I'm going to take pain meds a maximum of three or four times a week until my stomach problems are completely figured out and fixed, then back to a max of 2 times a week for my neck/back problems.
I would really like to know why God allows me to have so much physical pain when I'm battling a fierce addiction to pain killers. It's so tiring and frustrating. I have cried more tears in the past month than I have in a really long time. I have learned to push through a lot of pain, but this constant pain with very few breaks..... I struggle to deal with it! It's relentless! The pain tries and tries to wear me down and eventually, it does. And just when I think I want to quit, I find strength out of nowhere to push just a little longer.
That's it for now..... I'm going to work on blogging a little more often, because not only does it help but then maybe I can make my posts a little shorter too!


Anonymous Mom said...

Oh wow, you've had a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain, the kidney stone, the cysts! It seems like you got way more than your share of health issues to deal with. It seems unfair since you have to fight against addiction in order to get relief from your pain. Dang!!! Thank you again for the sweet comment on my blog, it meant a lot to me.

beachteacher said...

Kali, I am sorry to hear of your pain. I found you through Barbara's blog....and decided to take a look...and what do you know? I also live in Va.Beach! My son's an addict, which is how I got into these parents of addicts blogs. Anyway...the other thing is,my maiden name is Matthews too. Just thought that was something. One thing that may really be helpful to you in preventing any more kidney stones, which I know are HELL, is to take B6 and magnesium daily. That really can prevent them from ever recurring. I'll check on the amounts specifically and post again later and let you know. Good sorry to hear that you're dealing with this and as a recovering addict. Also...don't know if you have a good G.P.,..but Dr. Pearman at P.A. family practice is AWESOME. It takes awhile to get in there, but he's a really great doctor and a good guy.

Maureen said...

Know just how hard you are trying, it is a constant battle for me too.
Not a young woman anymore, so I figure I will be an addict until there isn't a breath left inside of me. Sure hope YOU beat your addcition, it can be a lonely road to travl alone.
Thankful for my husband & son's,
Praying for you