update

So, it's been quite some time since I posted anything. Just wanna give a summary of where I've been over the past few months. I've had some pretty crazy ups and downs. Things were pretty good for awhile. I was experimenting with herbs and vitamins and a means for pain relief and anxiety relief. I had pretty much 100% success.... but then later on, my addictive side said "this isn't any fun, I want the addictive drugs!" So, I got back on pain killers and benzos. I was taking nearly 100 mg of valium at one time and 40 mg of oxycontin. I was getting Morphine from the streets which is something I've never done before. I felt safe about it because I knew the person, so I justified it in my own mind. Then, about a month and a half ago, I OD'd on Morphine. I nearly shut down my kidneys and was only at about 70% oxygen. I nearly died. It scared the bejeebers out of me. Since then, no more morphine for me. I still occasionally use oxycontin and rarely use valium. I was ready to go to rehab when I got out of the hospital. But my insurance sucks so I had my husband sign up for more insurance through his work so I would have a backup insurance. But I can't use it until January which I plan to use and go to rehab then. The depression I've been in for several months now has been relentless.  There's not really much to say about that except that it sucks. It takes a million percent effort to get up and do ANYthing at all. Simple household chores are a big deal for me. Getting out of the house for anything is a big deal for me. I feel like i'm merely existing and that's about it. I'm hoping that rehab will help. I'm looking for a Christian rehab as I need the spiritual side of things too. Please pray I find the right one and that I will learn how to really live and live without substances. Thanks.

Good things are happening!

I just had to quickly update this blog. Wow, what a summer. But I wanted to let you all know that things are really starting to look up for me. Good things are happening! Later, when I have more time, I will post...... so, tune in!

If only I had the "WHY"

Ok here comes this long post that has been needing to be posted for too long. I'm just gonna get it out. I can not believe what I have done and not been held accountable for. I cannot believe that I drove like 30 miles totally wasted on ativan and crossing the median and everything. I could have killed someone or killed myself or gotten arrested for a DUI. This is honestly the most scared I have ever been of my addiction.  The only difference between me and a lot of ppl in prison is that they got caught and I didn't. I can not believe I am sitting here with a laptop in the comfort of my own bed when I could be sleeping on a hard thing they  call a mattress in jail scared to death. This is the first time I have ever been totally stunned by my addiction. I sit and I am alone with my thoughts and they scare me to death at this point. I'm just glad I have control over whether or not this gets stopped instead of someone stopping me with like, jail. Now I often wonder why pills? My dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alcoholic. My other brother loves weed, and I'm all about pills. I'm not even drawn to alcohol except on a rare occasion, but I never take it too far. Yea, I used to party and get drunk and stuff, but that was back then and I was a lot younger, but now it's just not for me, and I'm so glad as easy as it is to get. You know how hard it is to get pain medicine anymore? Unless you're driving to Florida or Georgia to a pill mill, good luck. But back to the "why"? Why pills? What makes me so drawn to a pill? If you hand me a pill and tell me it's addictive, I want every single pill you got and then some. But if you hand me a pill and tell me it will help my heart condition, I'll give it up in a heartbeat. I mean, what's up with that? Tonight, I'm just in a brutally honest mood. No messing around. I just want drugs.... I want it for my physical pain and I want to be numb. I can't handle the past or something, but i don't even think about the past. I can't even get through each day without thinking about wanting a pill. I don't know. I am gonna end this here. I'm very frustrated with myself and who I've become. I've become my dad, only on pills instead of alcohol. That hurts. I want something different. Why can't I reach it? WHY??????

If only I had the "WHY"

Ok here comes this long post that has been needing to be posted for too long. I'm just gonna get it out. I can not believe what I have done and not been held accountable for. I cannot believe that I drove like 30 miles totally wasted on ativan and crossing the median and everything. I could have killed someone or killed myself or gotten arrested for a DUI. This is honestly the most scared I have ever been of my addiction.  The only difference between me and a lot of ppl in prison is that they got caught and I didn't. I can not believe I am sitting here with a laptop in the comfort of my own bed when I could be sleeping on a hard thing they  call a mattress in jail scared to death. This is the first time I have ever been totally stunned by my addiction. I sit and I am alone with my thoughts and they scare me to death at this point. I'm just glad I have control over whether or not this gets stopped instead of someone stopping me with like, jail. Now I often wonder why pills? My dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alcoholic. My other brother loves weed, and I'm all about pills. I'm not even drawn to alcohol except on a rare occasion, but I never take it too far. Yea, I used to party and get drunk and stuff, but that was back then and I was a lot younger, but now it's just not for me, and I'm so glad as easy as it is to get. You know how hard it is to get pain medicine anymore? Unless you're driving to Florida or Georgia to a pill mill, good luck. But back to the "why"? Why pills? What makes me so drawn to a pill? If you hand me a pill and tell me it's addictive, I want every single pill you got and then some. But if you hand me a pill and tell me it will help my heart condition, I'll give it up in a heartbeat. I mean, what's up with that? Tonight, I'm just in a brutally honest mood. No messing around. I just want drugs.... I want it for my physical pain and I want to be numb. I can't handle the past or something, but i don't even think about the past. I can't even get through each day without thinking about wanting a pill. I don't know. I am gonna end this here. I'm very frustrated with myself and who I've become. I've become my dad, only on pills instead of alcohol. That hurts. I want something different. Why can't I reach it? WHY??????

If I only had the "WHY"

Ok here comes this long post that has been needing to be posted for too long. I'm just gonna get it out. I can not believe what I have done and not been held accountable for. I cannot believe that I drove like 30 miles totally wasted on ativan and crossing the median and everything. I could have killed someone or killed myself or gotten arrested for a DUI. This is honestly the most scared I have ever been of my addiction.  The only difference between me and a lot of ppl in prison is that they got caught and I didn't. I can not believe I am sitting here with a laptop in the comfort of my own bed when I could be sleeping on a hard thing they  call a mattress scared to death. This is the first time I have ever been totally stunned by my addiction. I sit and I am alone with my thoughts and they scare me to death at this point. I'm just glad I have control over whether or not this gets stopped instead of someone stopping me with like, jail. Now I often wonder why pills? My dad was an alcoholic, my brother is an alcoholic. My other brother loves weed, and I'm all about pills. I'm not even drawn to alcohol except on a rare occasion, but I never take it too far. Yea, I used to party and get drunk and stuff, but that was back then and I was a lot younger, but now it's just not for me, and I'm so glad as easy as it is to get. You know how hard it is to get pain medicine anymore? Unless you're driving to Florida or Georgia to a pill mill, good luck. But back to the "why"? Why pills? What makes me so drawn to a pill? If you hand me a pill and tell me it's addictive, I want every single pill you got and then some. But if you hand me a pill and tell me it will help my heart condition, I'll give it up in a heartbeat. I mean, what's up with that? Tonight, I'm just in a brutally honest mood.

A Letter to God

So God, it's me again. I know, I messed up. Why is it so easy to turn back to such painful things like my eating disorder, drugs, etc. when You are supposed to be the true Healer? I mean, I believe that You are, but it isn't making sense to me. I turn to You, and I continue to hurt and hurt and hurt and then things come crashing down even harder, and I can only do so much, God. This just hurts too darn much! I just want to scream at You sometimes!!! WHY are you allowing all of this pain in my life? Usually something comes of it and I get it, but this time, this year, it's just too much. I try to give it to You, but it feels like You are not taking it, so I say, screw it and turn back to something that I can hide behind, like an Eating Disorder, or drugs. I'm making this letter to You public so I can be honest about the fact that I've screwed up big time, but I'm so ashamed. That's why it's taken me some time to do this. NOW I've got shame on top of everything else. I got people walking away from me, people preaching at me, people giving me a hard time about the screw ups. Just make it stop!!! All of it!! Do they not know I am harder on myself than they could ever be?? I'm so glad I'm beginning counseling with someone I'll hopefully like better this week. I am praying to You that You will use her to help me through this. Cuz' God, right now, I'd rather just lie down and die. I can only do this for so long. What kind of life is this? I'm in so much physical pain, from head to toe, literally,  and I can hardly do anything. I try to travel, but even THAT is beginning to diminish because I can barely stand to do it. Are you really going to take EVERYthing from me? Please stop it!! I need these things. I need to enjoy life, not cry all the time. I need to remember what it's like to just be happy and not hurt so much. I'm dying inside. I am tired of keeping everything inside. Either people will accept me or they won't. But it hurts when they don't! Even though I bring it on myself. I don't deserve anything good anymore. So what is the point? Really, tell me God, cuz I don't know what it is anymore!! I've lost sight of so much in life it's unreal. Please take the people away who are only going to judge me and condemn me, walk away from me, and leave the ones who are going to love me even though they know everything about me. I'm done trusting people. Why did You have to take away something that was helping me so much in life? As soon as I finally trust that it's going to stay, something happens (or *I* happen) and bam, it's gone. Just like that. Gone. I'm tired of wishy washyness..... why do they tell me they'll stay and that I'm worth their time, blah blah blah, if it's just words..... just words, I'm sick of just words, God. I want people in my life who are real. I can only find a couple it seems, but I don't even feel like I deserve them, so part of me wants to wall myself off from them, but part of me wants to cling to it and never let go. The problem is eventually they let go of me. So what's the point anymore? I'm so sorry I screwed up God. I'm so sorry. I know You will forgive me. I only hope they will, and even more so, I hope that I can forgive myself. Maybe then I can begin to heal? Or will healing ever even come? I'm so lost right now, I just need some answers, God..... please.....

Well I am back from Florida....
I've come to a really huge conclusion after getting home. I need a therapist, as in, "Life or death" NEED a therapist..... so that is my first agenda this week.....

Horrible ER experience.... more pain.... will it ever end?

Last Thursday I ended up in the ER again with unbearable pain in my side..... it was again a kidney stone I was having a hard time passing. It took a total of 7 mg of IV Dilaudid to even touch the pain..... apparently, I have a severe UTI as well that I found out about that same day from a follow up nurse from a previous ER I had been to a couple weeks earlier... I had a Dr. tell me that with the amount of infection in my body (UTI that has obviously been there for quite some time, possibly caused by all the kidney stones I've had lately, the GYN infections I've been fighting to get rid of, and the UTI infection having moved into my kidneys themselves) it's amazing I'm still walking around. And the kidney stones on top of all of this infection has just really made it a fight to get through the day so often lately. I'm slowly but surely fighting off these infections but still having to deal with whatever is wrong with my liver and spleen. I'll find out more about that when I get home from Florida. So that's just an update on things......

I had taken a road trip to see a Spine Specialist that I've been seeing in Florida. It was a hard trip to say the least. We left on Saturday to make it to a Monday appointment. It's a doctor I have found that is not only treating my pain but searching for solutions as well. I can't find such a doctor in Virginia anymore because of my past addiction history. No one will any longer treat my pain in Virginia. So I searched out spine specialists who specialized in pain, SOLUTIONS to the pain, and addiction all in one. Anyway, so I'm back on pain medicine a little more regularly now again. BUT I have absolutely amazed and shocked myself with how well I've done with these pain meds. For instance, I took something when I woke up yesterday, then did probably more than I was physically capable of doing (cleaning a house from top to bottom almost, as a thank you to the friend with whom I'm staying for 2 weeks while I get my health a little more under control in order for me to make the trip back to Virginia, and then I injured myself playing with the dog and his dumb rope). Well, I just tried to bear the pain for awhile, took some motrin and no relief. So I did the whole tiger balm thing and used my new spinal stimulator that I got from the new spine doctor for several hours. All the while, I have pretty effective pain meds (Roxy's) sitting on the counter. Then I finally, after a pretty emotionally stressful night, got to bed around 1 a.m. and actually fell asleep but the pain kept waking me up along with nightmares. One particular recurring nightmare. Not until about 3:30 a.m. did I finally give in and take some pain meds. I have never in my life been able to do that. I am progressing more and more all the time with my addiction and it feels so good.

But what I really sat down to blog about is my ER experience last Thursday. It was probably one of the worst ER visits I have ever had. I can't get over how poorly someone can be treated in a hospital. Aren't these people supposed to be there to help people? Seriously, I have met some of the most unhappy people in the health profession. They HAVE to be unhappy to treat someone the way I was treated that night. That one particular nightmare to which I referred a minute ago was about this ER visit. Well I was incredibly upset from the pain and just all the emotional energy it takes to deal with the insomnia from pain and the pain itself. A lot of you know I have a pretty traumatic past and there are just some things that are hard for me to deal with even present day, such as taking my pants off in a hospital, hearing sirens (I'm much better at dealing with sirens these days), and riding in an ambulance. Well, the CT guy in the ER was ridiculously rude to me when I had a hard time laying still for the test. I wanted to give HIM a flippen kidney stone and tell him to lay still on a table that's hard as a rock. I wanted to punch him in the face is what I really wanted to do. Anyway, I finally got done with the CT and there is just no way to make this long story short. So I'm just going to skip most of it and get right to what has me so upset. For those who don't know, I was shot and gang-raped 13 years ago. I'm not seeking sympathy; just giving a little background. I have dealt with this for the most part. But the part I struggle with so much still is occasionally when I hear sirens and mostly, having to ride in an ambulance. Well, the doctor, after already upsetting me with his horrible bedside manner and his non-gentle way of examining me, etc., he told me that because I was unable to lie still for the CT, they were going to have to admit me. What is so ironic is that I had been trying to get admitted to a hospital in Virginia, or even North Carolina, somewhere near home, so they could figure out what was wrong with me and fix it once and for all; all to no avail. So I get to Florida where, after my doctor appointment, I was only going to be staying with my friend for a couple days, and they want to admit me. I was all for it until the doctor told me I would have to ride in an ambulance to be transferred to another hospital since this was a stand alone ER I was in. I asked if I could be transferred over there by my friend who was there with me. They wouldn't allow it. I was stuck. I didn't even have a CHOICE in the matter about being admitted now, after trying so hard to be admitted to no avail closer to home! When I got upset about having to ride in an ambulance, the doctor said if I didn't calm down with the crying, he would have me involuntarily committed to a PSYCH ward!!!! I was beyond offended and even traumatized by the incident. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until I had the recurring nightmare tonight about the whole experience. I have been beside myself most of the night, not only in physical pain, but also emotional pain from the way I was treated that night. So I finally decided to get up and blog. I'm hoping that I can now let the whole thing go and remember that neither he nor does any other rude health professional have the right to hurt me anymore. I have a choice in the matter. I don't have to let him continue to hurt me anymore.

Pain is getting worse.... now I'm just scared.

Ok, so last night has been the absolute worst night of pain I have had in a very long time. My pain meds didn't even touch the pain. Lately, it has been causing more pain when I eat. So anyway, I was absolutely starving after my dr's appt yesterday. I decided to try some vegetable soup. I swear that was the worst mistake of my life! I was doubled over in pain for a good 6 hours after I ate. Now I'm scared to death to eat ANYthing at all! NOT what I need. I have lost 6 lbs in one week. That doesn't do much for my eating disorder, either. But I refuse to relapse on that one. I'm scared. I'm actually downright scared now! I had a CT w/ contrast last week to further test the cysts/lesions found on my liver and spleen. When I took the report to my GI doctor today, she explained it to me and I don't think I've ever teared up so fast in my life. She basically said she was concerned about malignancy in either my liver, spleen, or lung (apparently, I have something on my right lung that is concerning to my dr.). She is sending me for an MRI of my abdomen and an MRCP..... whatever that is. All I know is I HURT and I'M SCARED.

Shaken Faith

Well, I've probably visited 5 doctors since I last posted. Sometimes it seems as if I'm getting answers and sometimes it feels like I'm getting nowhere. So frustrating! Tomorrow I have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. At least I get to be put under for this. Fun fun. I do have to admit that lately, my faith has been shaken quite a bit. I'm wondering where God is in all of this. I finally found an awesome Family Doctor though. She is amazing. She didn't judge me one bit about my history with narcotics. She was very supportive, in fact. I asked her if it's possible that all this pain could be just all in my head. She said it's not that it would be all in my head, but PTSD could exacerbate abdominal pain. She wants me to be seeing a counselor asap. So I'm going to be going back to therapy it looks like, but it definitely can't hurt. I have so many issues to deal with that I just ignored for several years because I was able to hide behind pills. I can't do that anymore. Even though I'm taking the pills again occasionally, I do NOT use them to self-medicate. But my addiction is beginning to scream at me big time. It is yelling at me to go back to it altogether. It's a dangerous war zone inside my head right now. But one thing I know is this; I'm getting ready to hit a downward spiral pretty quick and I'm fighting with everything in me not to.

More Challenges....

I couldn't sleep so I came downstairs to upload some photos I took today and to blog, but that was 2 hours ago. I got a little sidetracked when I realized someone was trying to scam me, yet again. It's a good thing I have an eye for non-professionalism and incorrect grammar/punctuation. That's how I spot "imitation emails" and separate them from the authentic ones. If I couldn't do that, this eBay business of mine would go downhill pretty fast! It amazes me how so many people are so quick to take advantage of someone w/ no conscience whatsoever.
Anyway, I guess it's time I blog again. It's been a month. There are 2 things in life that I truly despise and they are addiction and pain, both of which I have plenty. Since about a month ago, I started having all this pain in my stomach and both sides, front and back. It started with a kidney stone. They are so painful! Well, I finally passed that stone, and that pain was gone, but I stayed in pain. It was just a different kind of pain and it was in several areas of my torso now. Why do I have to be such a complicated person? I don't try to be, really! But it seems it always takes so long for doctors to figure out what's wrong with me. Well, after 3 ER visits and 3 different specialists, and several tests, they finally discovered I have bilateral ovarian cysts with a bad infection, and liver cysts, and also a lot of scarred tissue from when I had Gall Bladder surgery. That explains the pain being in several different spots in my abdomen and back. So to start off with, I'm on a heavy dose of antibiotics for the infection. Depending on what my pain does after that, surgery may be needed.
So needless to say, I'm on pain medication again, but not full time. I have actually surprised myself and have only taken pain meds when the pain has just gotten to be too much. My doctor knows I'm an addict and has been very supportive. By the way, that has been really hard to find. I am red-flagged in the Virginia Narcotics Monitoring Program (any doctor can look me up real quick and see that I have a history of narcotics abuse) so it makes it hard to get good medical treatment without being blown off. Gracy and my husband both have pretty much had it out with a couple of different doctors because when they saw my prescription history, they immediately judged me and provided very little medical treatment, blowing me off. It wasn't even just that they refused to help my pain; it was the fact that they assumed I was drug seeking and did very little to find the problem. I understand that I have brought some of this on myself, but I don't deserve the treatment that I have received from some doctors, either. The last time I went to the ER, I even said to the doctor up front "If you look me up in the system, you will clearly see that I have a history with narcotics. I have chronic pain and therefore have gotten addicted in the past. I'm not here for pain meds; I'm here for pain RELIEF which means I want you to find the problem so it can be fixed and I'm not left needing and/or wanting pain meds." I was STILL told I was drug seeking!! WHY would I state all of that up front if I were drug seeking? I was about ready to quit altogether after that. I know that ER doctors see a lot of people who are simply drug seeking and nothing else, and I know I have at times been one of those people. It sucks how our past can so easily come to haunt us. It doesn't make recovery any easier; that's for sure. But honestly, if I were a doctor and I really believed someone was drug seeking, instead of judging him/her, I would offer to get him/her help for addiction or something. I don't know, I just know I wouldn't be so quick to judge someone when I don't know his/her situation.
Anyway, it has been a real struggle for me to need pain medication as often as I have in the past month. I haven't abused pills or anything, and I'm not taking them often enough to get addicted again, but yesterday, I struggled pretty hard in being consumed with taking a pill when my pain level was below a 5. On the 1-10 scale, my average daily pain level is usually around a 4 or 5 and I have learned to push through that most of the time w/o anything. It's usually only about two or three times a week that it goes above a 5 and I began taking pain meds again back in October for anything that reached a 6 or higher. I have done really well with that and I'm very proud of that. I never thought I could do it. I struggled with the decision to go back to the pain meds because I feared a relapse. But I also feared being debilitated for a third of each week of the rest of my life. I feared losing a third of my life to pain. Being determined for this not to happen, I decided to try to only take pain meds when absolutely necessary to function. And so far, I have successfully done so. But since I started having all these problems in my abdomen, I am taking them more often that I would like to be, although not everyday as to not become physically dependent on/addicted to them again. So like I said, I really struggled yesterday with being consumed by taking a pill. It was only when I was driving and not occupied with something else. Gracy and I found a really cool park yesterday and spent a lot of time there and I had a great time. I didn't think about taking a pill at all while I was there. But when I was driving (which is when I do most of my "thinking"), it was all I could think about. But my pain level wasn't too bad so I know it was my addiction screaming at me. So I'm back in another battle with my addiction. I want everyone to know, though, that in the end, I didn't end up taking anything. I fought it to the end of the day and yes, I won. But this is just a reminder that I'm not out of the woods with my addiction. It will always be there, but until some miraculous cure is found to all the pain I deal with, pain meds are simply necessary for me occasionally if I want any quality of life. I just have to be on guard at all times. Yesterday, I was on guard and I didn't allow my addiction to win and get the best of me. I refuse to even go down that road again. So starting this week, I'm going to take pain meds a maximum of three or four times a week until my stomach problems are completely figured out and fixed, then back to a max of 2 times a week for my neck/back problems.
I would really like to know why God allows me to have so much physical pain when I'm battling a fierce addiction to pain killers. It's so tiring and frustrating. I have cried more tears in the past month than I have in a really long time. I have learned to push through a lot of pain, but this constant pain with very few breaks..... I struggle to deal with it! It's relentless! The pain tries and tries to wear me down and eventually, it does. And just when I think I want to quit, I find strength out of nowhere to push just a little longer.
That's it for now..... I'm going to work on blogging a little more often, because not only does it help but then maybe I can make my posts a little shorter too!